A man calls home to his wife and says, Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
Well be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion Ive been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and
tackle box. Were leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didnt you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?The wife replies; I did, they were in your tackle box.
John and Marie (both unmarried) went to the same church. Marie went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. John went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of
the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Marie and he
noticed what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday? Why yes, John, that would be nice, said Marie.Well, John couldnt believe his luck. All week long he polished up his
car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the finest
restaurant in town. When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner? Oh, no, John,said Marie. What would I tell my Sunday School class? Well, John was setback a bit, so he didnt say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. Hey, Marie, said John, would you like a smoke? Oh, no, John, said Marie. What would I tell my Sunday School class? Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. Hed struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. Hey, Marie, said John, how would you like to stop at this motel with me? Sure, John, that would be nice, said Marie. Well, John couldnt believe his luck. He made a U-turn right then and there across the median and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie. The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed.
What have I done? What have I done? thought John. He shook Marie and she woke up. Marie, Ive got to ask you one thing, said John. What are you going
to tell your Sunday School class?! Marie said, The same thing I always tell them… You dont have to smoke
There was this Irishman and he went into the pet shop and asked the owner if he had any budgies? The pet shop owner showed him multitudes of the beautiful coloured birds. How many do you have? asked the Irishman.
Well, we have a hundred all together said the owner. Ill take them all! Said the Irishman. Well, the Irishman just so happened to be wearing a very special waistcoat, with 100 little pockets in the front, and into each one he put one of the colourful little Budgies.
The Irishman then left the shop took a taxi to the Post Office Tower in London, took the lift to the top, stood on the roof an jumped off!
Well, you can imagine what happened! Kersplat! The Irishman landed in a heap at the bottom!
His friend Shamus, who had gone with the man, rushed up to his stricken friend shouting, Paddy, Paddy, what did you do that for???
And his friend Paddy croaked, Jesus, Shamus, this Budgie Jumpings not all its cracked up to be!
A: Pregnant.
Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss.
After pulling a ditsy temp secretary off phone duty (she put my phone number instead of the callers on phone messages), I assigned her to something safe: labeling files.
This task did not include the filing itself, which would have required a thorough grasp of the alphabet; it only involved affixing colorful self-adhesive labels to the outside edge of each file indicating the contract number. She cheerfully labeled throughout the afternoon, completing 150 files.
The next day, my regular secretary asked why our files had been sealed closed with colorful self-adhesive labels.
a giraffe
(think about it)
Above the urinal, written on the wall:
Why are you looking up here? The joke is in your hand!
Just received this from my friend Sathyakama. He got it from /etc/fortune
If you dont understand Unix you will miss most (if not all) of this joke. Apologies in advance. To the rest, read on and laugh on! I was ROTFL!
The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps.
Members will grep each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od.
Three days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-friendly features of Unix.
Seminars include
Everything You Know is Wrong, led by Tom Kempson
Batman or Cat:man? led by Richie Dennis
cc C? Si! Si! led by Kerwin Bernighan
and
Document Unix, Are You Kidding? led by Jan Yeats.
No Reader Service No. is necessary because all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell them.
— Dr. Dobbs Journal, June 84
Two friends were discussing the trend towards more traditional values.
I didnt sleep with my wife before I was married, did you?
Im not sure, said the friend. What was her maiden name?
I Wouldnt Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
Tennis Must Be Your Racket, Cause Love Means Nothin to You
Ive Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and Im Blue All the Time
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aims Gettin Better
Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
I Wish I Were in Dixie Tonight, But Shes Out of Town
You May Put Me In Prison, But You Cant Keep My Face From Breakin Out
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life