Old and New Jokes

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman–already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet–who insisted he didnt need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

I dont know, he said. Shes still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.

Q: How many saxaphonists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: 10. One to do it, 9 to talk about how a great sax player could have done it better.

A2: 5. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn wouldve done it.

A3: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.The first said, I built a big house for our Mother. The second said, I sent her a Mercedes with a driver. The third smiled and said, Ive got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she cant see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Hes one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: Milton, she wrote one son, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.Gerald, she wrote to another, I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isnt what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!Dearest Donald, she wrote to her third son, you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!

My marriage is childless so far, except for my husband!

How do prisoners in jail talk to each other?

With their cell phones!

In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitts sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal, however, that the sister was not as skilled with a blade as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper
thigh, causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to
be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with… a Misdeweiner!

They are both SO close to water!

An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems.

Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything.

He replied – Oh No! – thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol.

The elderly doctor promptly handed back his gin and tonic to the air-hostess saying … Madam – I did not know there was a choice.

One day there were three boys walking down the street, and suddenly they heard cries for help. When the boys got to the noise they saw George W. Bush in a lake drowning. The three boys saved him from drowning.Dubya asked the boys how he could ever repay him. The first boy said, "I want a boat."The second boy said, "I want a truck."And the third boy said, "I want three tombstones with our names all on them."Dubya asked, "Why is that, son?" The little boy said, "Because when my Dad finds out that we saved you, he is going to kill us all!"

How to Tell if Youre a Grinch



This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Years resolutions:



1. You reuse last years Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).



2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbors outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbors whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).



3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).



4. You put out last years stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.



5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdales or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).



6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas Day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.



7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).



8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points).



9. After an invitation to a friends house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).



10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).



Evaluate your score on the Grinch Scale from 20 to 100:



20-30: You are just a cheeseball.

30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.