Old and New Jokes

It was a warn Southern California evening when the jury reached a verdict in the O. J. Simpson case. The nation was anxiously awaiting the jurys verdict and newsmen were rapidly arriving on the rumors that the decision would finally be announced. At that moment, Judge Ito was in his backyard Bar-B-Qing filet mignon for the familys evening dinner. The bailiff phoned the Ito residence and when Mrs. Ito answered, requested that the Judge be notified and suggested that the judge should return to the court house as soon as possible. Mrs. Ito refused the bailiffs request because, she insisted, HIS HONOR WAS AT STEAK.

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, Why, Mike, this wouldnt be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?

That it is, Mike replied grimly, ever since I arrested Judge Ito on his way to the masquerade ball.

You mean you pinched his honor? asked Pat.

How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume. demanded Mike.

Well, mused Pat, tis life and theres a lesson in this somewhere.

That there is, replied Mike. TIS WISE NEVER TO BOOK A JUDGE BY HIS COVER.

Noren Eron, the great Norse comic decided to bring his act to America. He booked several shows in the northern states and did well. He then took his act down south, but he realized that the farther south he went, the less the crowd appreciated his act which had the poor guy miffed. When he got to the Deep South, no one got his act at all. After many disappointing sets, he just quit one night and returned to Norway. This goes to show you, … You should never book a miffed Norse in the south.

This was the day that could be the most important day in my career. I had rented three adjoining rooms at the Four Seasons Hotel, where we hoped to work out an agreement that would result in a merger of our firms. I expected some heavy social drinking during our meetings and went to the liquor cabinet to ensure that it was properly stocked. To my horror and chagrin, I found the cabinet filled with bottles of Angastora and little else. I called the manager and demanded that the bottles be removed and the liquor cabinet be better stocked. He refused stating, You have to take the bitters with the suite.

The next time someone starts quoting statistics at you, just remind them
that 78% of people who quote statistics make them up.

You are a child of the 80s If…



*You know what a burnout is.

*You owned/operated a Trapper Keeper

*You know what Psych means.

*Once, while spending hours in the arcade, you actually lined up quarters on the top panel of the game — to reserve your spot.

*You know the profound meaning of Wax on, Wax off.

*You know that another name for a keyboard is a Synthesizer.

*You can name at least half of the members of the elite Brat Pack.

*You know who Tina Yothers is.

*You wanted to be a Goonie.

*You felt ashamed when Rob Lowe got in trouble for sex with minors and videotaping it, because you liked him.

*You had top-of-the-line Commodore 64s in your jr. high computer lab

*You know who Max Headroom is.

*You even wore fluorescent, neon if you will, clothing.

*You could breakdance, or wish you could.

*You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.

*You Believed that By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!

*Partying like its 1999 seemed SO far away.

*You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.

*You can, right now, hum to yourself the theme to Inspector Gadget

*You wanted to be on Star Search.

*You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.

*You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth, or knew someone who did.

*You knew what Willis was talkin bout.

*You HAD to have your MTV

*You remember when Kramer was on a show called Fridays

*You hold a special place in your heart for Back to the Future.

*You know where to go if you wanna go where everybody knows your name.

*You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.

*You actually thought Dirty Dancing was a REALLY good movie.

*You heard of Garbage Pail Kids.

*You knew The Artist when he was humbly called Prince.

*You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played Sam to be.

*You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system

*You own(ed) any cassette singles

*You were led to believe that in the year 2000 wed all be living on the moon.

*You remember And/or own any of the Care Bear Glass collection from Pizza Hut. Or any other stupid collection they came out with.

*Poltergeist freaked you out.

*You carried you lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.

*You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.

*You know what a Doozer is.

*You wore bike shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or knew someone who did.

*You ever had a Swatch Watch.

*You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.

*You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos.

*You know what a Whammee is..

If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my friend, are a Child of the 80s.

Jake was on his deathbed. His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand,

tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to

move slightly.

My darling Susan, he whispered.

Hush my love, she said. Rest . Shhhh. Dont talk.

He was insistent.Susan , he said in his tired voice. I have something I must confess to you.

Theres nothing to confess, replied the weeping Susan. Everythings all right, go to

sleep.

No, no, I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother!

I know, she replied……

Thats why I poisoned you.

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that
its a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications.
He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which
are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular
phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though
other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature
of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is
always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other
system activity. Hes finding that some applications such as PokerNight
10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the
system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always
worked fine before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of
undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release.
Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

The features hed like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 include:

– A Dont remind me again button
– Minimize button
– An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with
the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and
other systemresources.
– An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would
allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by
sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0.
You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long
standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of
Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they
would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall
program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesnt work very well leaving undesirable traces
of the application in the system.
Another thing that sucks — all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up
little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

BUG WARNING

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before
uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the
uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming
insufficient resources.

BUG WORK-AROUNDS
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system
and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also,
beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry
viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under
an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally
be downloaded from the UseNet.

This past weekend, I was doing some holiday baking. It was getting late and I was tired so I decided to leave the cleanup mess until morning.

The next morning, I was getting my coffee and I noticed thousands of little tiny footprints in the flour on the countertop. Needless to say, I wasted no time calling the FBI.

The FBI Special Crimes Unit arrived and sure enough, they confirmed that I did in fact have AntTracks.

Darn Terrorist!!!