Old and New Jokes

Jake was on his deathbed. His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand,

tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to

move slightly.

My darling Susan, he whispered.

Hush my love, she said. Rest . Shhhh. Dont talk.

He was insistent.Susan , he said in his tired voice. I have something I must confess to you.

Theres nothing to confess, replied the weeping Susan. Everythings all right, go to

sleep.

No, no, I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother!

I know, she replied……

Thats why I poisoned you.

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that
its a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications.
He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which
are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular
phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though
other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature
of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is
always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other
system activity. Hes finding that some applications such as PokerNight
10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the
system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always
worked fine before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of
undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release.
Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

The features hed like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 include:

– A Dont remind me again button
– Minimize button
– An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with
the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and
other systemresources.
– An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would
allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by
sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0.
You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long
standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of
Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they
would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall
program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesnt work very well leaving undesirable traces
of the application in the system.
Another thing that sucks — all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up
little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

BUG WARNING

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before
uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the
uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming
insufficient resources.

BUG WORK-AROUNDS
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system
and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also,
beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry
viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under
an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally
be downloaded from the UseNet.

This past weekend, I was doing some holiday baking. It was getting late and I was tired so I decided to leave the cleanup mess until morning.

The next morning, I was getting my coffee and I noticed thousands of little tiny footprints in the flour on the countertop. Needless to say, I wasted no time calling the FBI.

The FBI Special Crimes Unit arrived and sure enough, they confirmed that I did in fact have AntTracks.

Darn Terrorist!!!

(Originally posted by J. Allen Schones (jal@tiger.UUCP) last January.)

Rum Cake

Before you start, sample the rum and check for good quality.
Good, isnt it?

Now select a large mixing bowl, measuring cups, spatula, etc.
(Check that rum again for quality. It must be just right!
Try it again.)

With an electric beater, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
bowl. Add one tsp. sugar and beat again. (Meanwhile, make certain
that rum is of best quality.)

Add two large eggs and two cups of dried fruit and beat until very
high. If fruit gets stuck in the beater, pry it out with a
screwdriver. (Sample rum again, checking for consistency.)

Next, sift in three (2) cups of baking powder and add a pinch
of rum, one seaspoon of soda and one cupa papper…(or maybe
salt?) Anyway, dont fret, just taste that rum again. Good
stuff.

Next, sift in a half pint of lemon juice, fold in chopped buttermilk
and strained nuts. Sample rum again.

Now, one bablespoon srown sugar, or whatever color is around. Mix.
Well.

Grease your oven and turn cake pans to 359F. Now, pour the whole
mixture into the oven … (HONEY? WHERES THE MOP??)

On second thought, forget the oven, pitch the cake and check
the rest of the rum. Bo to ged.

Gordon Davisson

Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
Twitch a lot.
Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
Become a subgenius.
Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your
seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
Move you roommates personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work
up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
Walk and talk backwards.
Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the
middle of your room. Number them.
Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your
roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, Theyre more than
meets the eye.
Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo.
If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class
(or hit him/her with the wrench).
Chain yourself to your roommates bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you
are.
Ask your roommate if your family can move in just for a couple of weeks.
Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend
nothing happened.
Eat glass.
Smoke ballpoint pens.
Smile. All the time.
Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When
you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your
roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse
you.
Leave a declaration of war on your roommates desk. Include a list of
grievances.
Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then
look away quickly.
Dye all your underwear lime green.
Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
Hide your underwear and socks in your roommates closet. Accuse him/her of
stealing it.
Remove your door. Ship it to your roommates parents (postage due).
Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce
that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to
discuss them.
Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with,
Didja ever wonder why… Be creative.
Shave one eyebrow.
Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your
dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter Gotta
save space, twenty times while twitching violently.
Put horseradish in your shoes.
Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that
you can never find the book that you want.
Always flush the toilet three times.
Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovics Pennsylvania Polka, and play it at least
6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that its an assignment for
your primitive cultures class.
Give him/her an allowance.
Listen to radio static.
Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as
soon as you wake up.

Facts that all budding Male Software Engineers (MSE) must know regarding Female Software Engineers (FSE) (Applicable to all SEs who have 0-3 years of experience in S/W industry.)

The probability that a FSE is beautiful is 0.004562314 and viceversa.

The miniscule proportion of the beautiful FSEs are either engaged or married.

An FSE will always ask a doubt to which you know the answer; to the MSE sitting next to you.

You will not know the answer to the doubt an FSE asks you.

An FSE will always phone you when you are not in your seat.

The probability that an FSE will send you an e-mail regarding something other than work is 0.0321459.

An MSE will always select an FSE in an interview if he feels she is more beautiful than his colleague FSEs. The probability that the FSE will get thru in the second round is 0.

An MSE will always brag about a beautiful FSE he selected in an interview. The probability that he will receive swear words after the FSE failed in the second round is close to 99%.

An FSE will never select another FSE in an interview if she feels the candidate is more beautiful than her.

The number of MSEs behind a (Miss _your company_) FSE is exactly equal to the number of MSEs in your company. The question of her marriage/engagement doesnt arise here.

Halloween Funnies:

What do Skeletons say before eating? Bone Appetite.

What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common? Both have blank expressions and are hollow inside.

Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank? He was caught drinking on the job.

Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? Women can see right through them.

Why are Vampires Democrats? They want Gore in

2000.

What kind of clothes do Zombies wear? Decay NY.

Why arent there any famous skeletons? Theyre a bunch of no bodies.

What kind of music do Mummies listen to? Wrap.

What do you call a guy turned on by a witch? Scared stiff.

A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat. They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat. He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

When it was the Cats turn to buy, he told them to Fuck off!

So the man went back to the bar and said Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat.

The Barman was curious about this and said I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasnt. Why is this?.

The man replied, I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish.

What did you wish for? said the Barman.

I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!

Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both ahave irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

Both are threatened by their own kind.

Both mark their territory.

The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Neither does any dishes.

Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.

both are suspicious of the postman.

Neither understands what you see in cats.

A blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, What is that?

The store clerk responds, Its a thermos.

The blond then asks, What does it do?

The clerk says It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. So she buys one.

The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, What is that shiny object?

She replies Its a thermos.

He asks, What does it do?

She says, It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.

He then asks, What do you have in there?

Two cups of coffee and an ice cream.