Old and New Jokes

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”

There were 3 roosters, a gay one, a retarted one, and a normal one. The normal one said cock a doodle doo The retarted one said doodle doodle cock. And the gay one said any cock will do!!!

A group of blondes walks into a bar, all excited and giggling. They order a round of drinks.

One of the blondes raises her glass and shouts excitedly, 51!! 51!! The other blondes echo. After they have finished their drinks, another round is ordered. Again, the blondes toast 51. This happens a few times.

Finally, the bartender speaks up. Excuse me, He says, But why do you ladies keep doing that? Well, Says one of the blondes, very bubbly, We got a puzzle, right? And it said 2-4 years on the box. We finished it in 51 days!!!!!

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what theyd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.Its a period, said the little boy.Well, I can see that, she said, but what is so exciting about a period?Damned if I know, said the little boy, but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.

What kind of house weighs the least?

A lighthouse.

An alien walked into a shop and told the owner that he came from Mars and wanted to buy a brain for research. How much is this one? he asked. Well that one is a monkey brain and its $20, he explained. How much is that one? he asked Well that one is a female brain and its $100. he explained.And how much is that one? he asked. That one is a males brain and it is $500 he explained. Why so expensive? the alien asked. Well it has hardly been used!

Did you know that last months (expletive) phone bill is over $450? my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child voice. Thats more than twice the monthly payment you make for that (expletive)computer! she continued as she escalated to screaming.

I confess! I confess! I sobbed. Im just an on-line junkie. Im addicted to my modem! I guess Ill just have to join Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company. As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our societys computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon theres even going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, All My Modems.

If you dont already own one of those evil instruments called a modem, take warning! Dont even think about buying one. Modem fever sets in very quietly; it sneaks up on you and then grabs you by the wallet, checkbook or, heaven forbid, credit cards.

Once you own a modem, you enter the insidious addictive trap by dialing up a friend who also has a modem. For some strange reason, typing messages to each other fascinates you. (Even if it is less than 10%of the speed that you can speak the same words over a normal voice phone link. )Of course, you make several attempts at hooking up before you finally figure out that at least one of you must be in the half-duplex mode; that discovery actually titillates you (sounds impossible, but its true).

Then your modem-buddy (friend is too good a term) sows another seed on the road to on-line addiction by giving you the number of a local RBBS (Remote Bulletin Board Service). Once you get an RBBS phone number, youve taken the first fatal step in a journey that can only end in on-line addiction.

After you take the next step by dialing up the RBBS your modem-buddy told you about, you find that its very easy to log-on. This weird form of conversation with an unattended computer is strangely exciting, much more so than just typing messages when youre on-line with your modem-buddy. The initial bulletins scroll by and inform you about the board, but youre too up to comprehend most of it. Then you read some of the messages in the message section and maybe, in a tentative manner, you enter one or two of your own.

Thats fun, but the excitement starts to wear off; youre calming down. Thinking that it might be worthwhile to go back and re-read the log-on bulletins, you return to the main RBBS menu.

Then it happens. The RBBS provides the bait that entices you all the way into the fiery hell of modem addiction. As you look at the RBBS main menu to learn how to return to the log-on bulletins, you find an item called FILES. By asking your host computer for FILES, you thread the bait onto the hook of corruption; the FILES SUBMENU sets the hook. You start running with the line when you LIST the files; you leap into the air with the sheer joy of the fight when all those public domain program title sand descriptions scroll by. Theyre FREE!!! All you have to do is tell the bulletin board to download (transmit) them to you. You download your first program and youre landed, in the creel, cleaned and ready for the cooking fires. In just 55 minutes after you logged-onto the board, youve downloaded six programs, one of them is Andrew Fleugelmans PC-Talk, version 3 (truly an instrument for evil).

BBS-LIST. DQC, which is also among the files you downloaded, contains a list of a great number of bulletin boards throughout the country. (Theres evil all around us, constantly tempting us!) You print the list and find about 60 RBBS phone numbers. (Have mercy on our souls!) The list also gives you the hours of operation, communications parameters and informs you about each boards specialty. You decide to try PC-Talk and use it to dial-up an RBBS about three states away. Since the line is busy, you pass the time entering all those RBBS phone numbers into PC-Talks voluminous dialing directory.

You try the number again — still busy. You think, Hey, theres one that specializes in Pascal programs. Maybe Ill try it. Its about half-way across the country, but its after 5pm and the phone rates have changed. It wont be too expensive.

The Pascal board answers. After 45 minutes youve downloaded another five programs. Then you call another board –only this ones completely across the country from California, in Florida. And so it goes on into the night . . . and the next night. . . and the next. . . . Some days it gets to you. You begin to feel the dirtiness of modem addiction, particularly when your wife makes you feel like a child by berating you for those astronomical phone bills — if she hasnt divorced you by then. Every time you sit down before your PC to do some work, you dial up another RBBS instead. If that ones busy, you call another, and another, until you connect. Then you feel OK, almost high. When you finally hang up, you still cant work; you can only dial up another RBBS.

Your downfall as an on-line addict is just another one of this societys terrible tragedies, such as polygamy or the compulsion to circle all the numbers on computer magazine bingo cards. Eventually your whole social life relies upon only the messages you find on electronic bulletin boards; your only happiness is the programs you have downloaded. (You never try any of them, you only collect them. )Hope exists, however. We, the dedicated but under-paid staff of Modems Anonymous, have done extensive research to find a cure for modem mania, which has been ruining hundreds of lives. And we have succeeded in our quest.

The cure is really quite simple, yet effective: Set up your own remote bulletin board service. Then all the other modem addicts will phone you, and their wives can nag at them about $450 phone bills, and you can find peace — at last.

These are alledged to be some actual maintenance complaints submitted
by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem #1: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution #1: #2 Propeller seepage normal.
Problem #2: #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem: The autopilot doesnt.
Signed off: IT DOES NOW.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: Thats what theyre there for.

Problem: Number three engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

[Ed: forwarded by the submitter, making the rounds in a very big way,
supposedly from a USAF public board]

The Female always makes THE RULES.
THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must
immediately change some of THE RULES.
The Female is never wrong.
If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant
misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for
causing the misunderstanding.
The Female can change her mind at any time.
The Male must never change his mind without the express written
consent of The Female.
The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to
be angry or upset.
The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she
wants him to be angry or upset.
The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not
what she said.
If the Male doesnt abide by THE RULES, it is because he cant
take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the
Male must cater to her every whim.
Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule
#5.

Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.

Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa.

Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

When someone says Have a good day!, tell them that you have other plans.

Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.

Make a list of things to do that youve already done.

Dance naked in front of your pets.

Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send him off to pre-school as if nothings wrong.

Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman Numerals.

Tattoo Out to Lunch on your forehead.

Tape pictures of your boss on watermellons and pumpkins and launch them from high places.

Leaf through a National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.

Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.

Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your boss significant other.

Pay your electric bill in pennies.

Drive to work in reverse.

Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of The Flintstones during that important finance meeting.

Refresh yourself: put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.

Tell your boss to blow it out his mule and let him figure it out.

Polish your car with ear wax.

Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to your.

Bill your doctor for the time spent in the waiting room.

Braid the hair in each nostril.

Write a short story, using Alphabet Soup.

Lie on your back eating celery … using your navel as a salt dipper.

Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend theyre in jail.

Make up a language and ask for directions.