Old and New Jokes

Halloween Funnies:

What do Skeletons say before eating? Bone Appetite.

What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common? Both have blank expressions and are hollow inside.

Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank? He was caught drinking on the job.

Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? Women can see right through them.

Why are Vampires Democrats? They want Gore in

2000.

What kind of clothes do Zombies wear? Decay NY.

Why arent there any famous skeletons? Theyre a bunch of no bodies.

What kind of music do Mummies listen to? Wrap.

What do you call a guy turned on by a witch? Scared stiff.

A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat. They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat. He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

When it was the Cats turn to buy, he told them to Fuck off!

So the man went back to the bar and said Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat.

The Barman was curious about this and said I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasnt. Why is this?.

The man replied, I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish.

What did you wish for? said the Barman.

I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!

Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both ahave irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

Both are threatened by their own kind.

Both mark their territory.

The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Neither does any dishes.

Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.

both are suspicious of the postman.

Neither understands what you see in cats.

A blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, What is that?

The store clerk responds, Its a thermos.

The blond then asks, What does it do?

The clerk says It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. So she buys one.

The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, What is that shiny object?

She replies Its a thermos.

He asks, What does it do?

She says, It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.

He then asks, What do you have in there?

Two cups of coffee and an ice cream.

Passed on by a friend at work, origin unknown (but probably caused by a quantum fluctuation)

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the Uncertainty Principle, It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as Tunneling, This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbors Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a Gluing Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is TenDimensional. However, theConsumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are Rolled Up into Such a Small Area That They Cannot Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”

There were 3 roosters, a gay one, a retarted one, and a normal one. The normal one said cock a doodle doo The retarted one said doodle doodle cock. And the gay one said any cock will do!!!

A group of blondes walks into a bar, all excited and giggling. They order a round of drinks.

One of the blondes raises her glass and shouts excitedly, 51!! 51!! The other blondes echo. After they have finished their drinks, another round is ordered. Again, the blondes toast 51. This happens a few times.

Finally, the bartender speaks up. Excuse me, He says, But why do you ladies keep doing that? Well, Says one of the blondes, very bubbly, We got a puzzle, right? And it said 2-4 years on the box. We finished it in 51 days!!!!!

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what theyd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.Its a period, said the little boy.Well, I can see that, she said, but what is so exciting about a period?Damned if I know, said the little boy, but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.

What kind of house weighs the least?

A lighthouse.