Old and New Jokes

An alien walked into a shop and told the owner that he came from Mars and wanted to buy a brain for research. How much is this one? he asked. Well that one is a monkey brain and its $20, he explained. How much is that one? he asked Well that one is a female brain and its $100. he explained.And how much is that one? he asked. That one is a males brain and it is $500 he explained. Why so expensive? the alien asked. Well it has hardly been used!

Did you know that last months (expletive) phone bill is over $450? my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child voice. Thats more than twice the monthly payment you make for that (expletive)computer! she continued as she escalated to screaming.

I confess! I confess! I sobbed. Im just an on-line junkie. Im addicted to my modem! I guess Ill just have to join Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company. As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our societys computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon theres even going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, All My Modems.

If you dont already own one of those evil instruments called a modem, take warning! Dont even think about buying one. Modem fever sets in very quietly; it sneaks up on you and then grabs you by the wallet, checkbook or, heaven forbid, credit cards.

Once you own a modem, you enter the insidious addictive trap by dialing up a friend who also has a modem. For some strange reason, typing messages to each other fascinates you. (Even if it is less than 10%of the speed that you can speak the same words over a normal voice phone link. )Of course, you make several attempts at hooking up before you finally figure out that at least one of you must be in the half-duplex mode; that discovery actually titillates you (sounds impossible, but its true).

Then your modem-buddy (friend is too good a term) sows another seed on the road to on-line addiction by giving you the number of a local RBBS (Remote Bulletin Board Service). Once you get an RBBS phone number, youve taken the first fatal step in a journey that can only end in on-line addiction.

After you take the next step by dialing up the RBBS your modem-buddy told you about, you find that its very easy to log-on. This weird form of conversation with an unattended computer is strangely exciting, much more so than just typing messages when youre on-line with your modem-buddy. The initial bulletins scroll by and inform you about the board, but youre too up to comprehend most of it. Then you read some of the messages in the message section and maybe, in a tentative manner, you enter one or two of your own.

Thats fun, but the excitement starts to wear off; youre calming down. Thinking that it might be worthwhile to go back and re-read the log-on bulletins, you return to the main RBBS menu.

Then it happens. The RBBS provides the bait that entices you all the way into the fiery hell of modem addiction. As you look at the RBBS main menu to learn how to return to the log-on bulletins, you find an item called FILES. By asking your host computer for FILES, you thread the bait onto the hook of corruption; the FILES SUBMENU sets the hook. You start running with the line when you LIST the files; you leap into the air with the sheer joy of the fight when all those public domain program title sand descriptions scroll by. Theyre FREE!!! All you have to do is tell the bulletin board to download (transmit) them to you. You download your first program and youre landed, in the creel, cleaned and ready for the cooking fires. In just 55 minutes after you logged-onto the board, youve downloaded six programs, one of them is Andrew Fleugelmans PC-Talk, version 3 (truly an instrument for evil).

BBS-LIST. DQC, which is also among the files you downloaded, contains a list of a great number of bulletin boards throughout the country. (Theres evil all around us, constantly tempting us!) You print the list and find about 60 RBBS phone numbers. (Have mercy on our souls!) The list also gives you the hours of operation, communications parameters and informs you about each boards specialty. You decide to try PC-Talk and use it to dial-up an RBBS about three states away. Since the line is busy, you pass the time entering all those RBBS phone numbers into PC-Talks voluminous dialing directory.

You try the number again — still busy. You think, Hey, theres one that specializes in Pascal programs. Maybe Ill try it. Its about half-way across the country, but its after 5pm and the phone rates have changed. It wont be too expensive.

The Pascal board answers. After 45 minutes youve downloaded another five programs. Then you call another board –only this ones completely across the country from California, in Florida. And so it goes on into the night . . . and the next night. . . and the next. . . . Some days it gets to you. You begin to feel the dirtiness of modem addiction, particularly when your wife makes you feel like a child by berating you for those astronomical phone bills — if she hasnt divorced you by then. Every time you sit down before your PC to do some work, you dial up another RBBS instead. If that ones busy, you call another, and another, until you connect. Then you feel OK, almost high. When you finally hang up, you still cant work; you can only dial up another RBBS.

Your downfall as an on-line addict is just another one of this societys terrible tragedies, such as polygamy or the compulsion to circle all the numbers on computer magazine bingo cards. Eventually your whole social life relies upon only the messages you find on electronic bulletin boards; your only happiness is the programs you have downloaded. (You never try any of them, you only collect them. )Hope exists, however. We, the dedicated but under-paid staff of Modems Anonymous, have done extensive research to find a cure for modem mania, which has been ruining hundreds of lives. And we have succeeded in our quest.

The cure is really quite simple, yet effective: Set up your own remote bulletin board service. Then all the other modem addicts will phone you, and their wives can nag at them about $450 phone bills, and you can find peace — at last.

These are alledged to be some actual maintenance complaints submitted
by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem #1: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution #1: #2 Propeller seepage normal.
Problem #2: #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem: The autopilot doesnt.
Signed off: IT DOES NOW.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: Thats what theyre there for.

Problem: Number three engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

[Ed: forwarded by the submitter, making the rounds in a very big way,
supposedly from a USAF public board]

The Female always makes THE RULES.
THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must
immediately change some of THE RULES.
The Female is never wrong.
If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant
misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for
causing the misunderstanding.
The Female can change her mind at any time.
The Male must never change his mind without the express written
consent of The Female.
The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to
be angry or upset.
The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she
wants him to be angry or upset.
The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not
what she said.
If the Male doesnt abide by THE RULES, it is because he cant
take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the
Male must cater to her every whim.
Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule
#5.

Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.

Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa.

Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

When someone says Have a good day!, tell them that you have other plans.

Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.

Make a list of things to do that youve already done.

Dance naked in front of your pets.

Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send him off to pre-school as if nothings wrong.

Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman Numerals.

Tattoo Out to Lunch on your forehead.

Tape pictures of your boss on watermellons and pumpkins and launch them from high places.

Leaf through a National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.

Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.

Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your boss significant other.

Pay your electric bill in pennies.

Drive to work in reverse.

Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of The Flintstones during that important finance meeting.

Refresh yourself: put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.

Tell your boss to blow it out his mule and let him figure it out.

Polish your car with ear wax.

Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to your.

Bill your doctor for the time spent in the waiting room.

Braid the hair in each nostril.

Write a short story, using Alphabet Soup.

Lie on your back eating celery … using your navel as a salt dipper.

Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend theyre in jail.

Make up a language and ask for directions.

A young Jewish man moves out to the city to live in a studio apartment. Before he left his mom gave him 2 dress shirts as a going away gift. One was blue and one was cream colored.

His mother was very nervous and wouldnt stop calling him to ask thim to move back home from the ghetto. The young man invited his mom over to dinner the next week in order to show her that the neighborhood was safe.

She arrived on time with dad and a shopping bag full of food (because she was sure he was starving).

When he opened the door his mom frowned. The young man was worried and asked, Mom, whats wrong?


She replied, Whats the matter, you didnt like the other shirt?

• Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
  

• You ski uphill.
  

• You get a speeding ticket even when youre parked.
  

• You speed walk in your sleep.
  

• You answer the door before people knock.
  

• You havent blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  

• You just completed another sweater and you dont know how to knit.
  

• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  

• Jai alai plays as slow as a seniors golf tournament to you.
  

• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
  

• You sleep with your eyes open.
  

• You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without
  using the timer.
  

• You listen to speed metal to relax.
  

• Youve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
  

• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  

• You chew on other peoples fingernails.
  

• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  

• Youre so jittery people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
  

• You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
  

• You can jump start your car without cables.
  

• Cocaine is a downer.
  

• You dont need a hammer to pound in nails.
  

• Your only source of nutrition comes from sweet & low.
  

• You buy milk by the barrel.
  

• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  

• You walk twenty miles on the treadmill before realizing its
  not plugged in.
  

• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  

• Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
  

• People get dizzy just watching you.
  

• The Tasters Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  

• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  

• Youve melted away your fillings.
  

• People can test their batteries in you ears.
  

• Your face is on a Colombian postage stamp.
  

• Your lifes goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
  

• Lightning strikes you and it gets perked up.
  

• Commodity traders use you to predict the world coffee market.
  

• Instant coffee takes too long.
  

• You channel surf faster without the remote.
  

• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
  

• You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
  

• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  

• You ride an exercise bike to work.
  

• You can outlast the energizer bunny.
  

• You short out motion detectors.
  

• You dont even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  

• You can play ping pong without a partner.
  

• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  

• Your blood type is c8-h10-n4-o2.
  

• You made provisions in your will for your coffee supply.
  

• You tear open bean bags just to make sure.
  

• You use coffee flavored mouthwash.
  

• You constantly speak like an auctioneer.
  

• Your children dont come near you until youve had your
  first cup.
  

• The stewardess hands you the whole pot.
  

• You have coffee stains on your fingers.
  

• You meditate while listening to your natural sounds of
  coffee brewing CD.
  

• The Betty Ford clinic opened a coffee ward just for you.
  

• You had to remove your car stereo to make room for your
  cup holder.
  

• You carry a spare mug in your trunk.
  

• You lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of
  iced coffee to get you in the mood.
  

• You help your dog chase its tail.
  

• You coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
  

• Without you, the US would not be the worlds leading coffee consumer.
  

• You think CPR stands for coffee provides resuscitation.
  

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beerhall.

One of them says, Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick.

How did you get it fixed?

Well I just dipped my finger in the cows vagina and rubbed it all over the bulls nose and he got right after her.

Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cows vagina and rubs it all around the bulls nose. The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.

That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and cant get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wifes vagina and feeling that its nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, Honey, look!

She rolls over, turns on the light and says, You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry". He has been around forever, so I wouldnt put it past him to come up with something like this.Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid-terms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didnt make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Bonk after the final and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didnt have a spare and couldnt get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated, relieved and very proud of their story. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page…WHICH TIRE? (95 points)

This is making the rounds here…

Duke University Medical Center is reporting an unusual occurrence in the
Obstetrics department: a child was born with both male and female organs.

A penis and a brain.