A man is on his way home from work during rush hour. Suddenly, his phone rings. Its his wife.
Honey, I want you to be careful driving home from work tonight, they said on the news that theres some maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway. She says, to which the man replies, One? Theres like 500 of em out here!

A short history of medicine: I have an ear ache.

2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. – That root is heathen, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

A cowboy rode into strange town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?

No one answered.

All right, Im gonna have another beer, and if my horse aint back outside by the time I finish, Im gonna have to do what I dun in Texas! And I dont like to have to do what I dun in Texas!

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy, true to his word, had another drink, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, Say partner, before you go: what happened in Texas?

The cowboy turned back and said, I had to walk home.

Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?

A: So they know when to stop having sex!

You might be a redneck if you have to take your hat off so your wife can fit into the truck with you.

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO….. She forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cockpit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts BE SILENT! There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, OEING! OEING! OEING! OE….

This could go in true stories: An 85 year old who had never been to a doctor
before, as he proudly announced, came to the office for a check-up. He thought
it was about time. The doctor (thats me) said,
What did you do to live so long and
stay so healthy? He said, Well, whatever it was, it wasnt listening to the
likes of you!!

Another one: During my residency, we offered a free Pap smear clinic. Well, a
nurse brought in her elderly mother to have a Pap smear because she had never
had one, or an internal exam for that matter. She had her kids at home
without benefit of medical attention. She was maybe 80. (The daughter was 60
or so.) Well, the daughter held her hand and talked her through the ordeal of
her first pelvic exam just as a mother might with a teenage girl. After it
was over, I said something to lighten things up like, Now that wasnt so bad
was it? The old lady said, No, it wasnt, but I have one question to ask
you. I said, Shoot. She said, Does your mother know what you do for a
living?

What would happen if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and women could not?

The answer is clear: menstruation would become an enviable, boast-worthy, masculine event …

Men would brag about how long and how much.

Boys would mark the onset of menses, that longed-for proof of manhood, with religious ritual and stag parties.

Congress would fund a National Institute of Dysmenorrhea to help stamp out monthly discomforts.

Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. (Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of commercial brands such as John Wayne Tampons, Muhammed Alis Rope-a-dope Pads, Joe Namath Jock Shields – For Those Light Bachelor Days, and Robert Baretta Blake Maxi-Pads.)

Military men, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists would cite menstruation (MENstruation) as proof that only men could serve in the army (you have to give blood to take blood), occupy political office (can women be aggressive without that steadfast cycle governed by the planet Mars?), be priests and ministers (how could a woman give her blood for our sins), or rabbis (without the monthly loss of impurities, women remain unclean).

Male radicals, left-wing politicians, and mystics, however, would insist that women are equal, just different; and that any woman could enter their ranks if only she were willing to self-inflict a major wound every month (you MUST give blood for the revolution), recognize the preeminence of menstrual issues, or subordinate her selfness to all men in their Cycle of Enlightenment.

Street guys would brag (Im a three-pad man) or answer praise from a buddy (Man, you are lookin good) by high-fiving and saying, Yeah, man, Im on the rag!

TV shows would treat the subject at length. (Happy Days: Richie and Potsie try to convince Fonzie that he is still The Fonz, though he has missed two periods in a row.) So would newspapers. (SHARK SCARE THREATENS MENSTRUATING MEN. JUDGE CITES MONTHLY STRESS IN PARDONING RAPIST.) And movies. (Newman and Redford in Blood Brothers!)

Men would try to convince women that intercourse was more pleasurable at that time of the month.

Lesbians would be said to fear blood and therefore life itself – though probably only because they needed a good menstruating man.

Of course, male intellectuals would offer the most moral and logical arguments. How could a woman master any discipline that demanded a sense of time, space, mathematics, or measurement, for instance, without that in-built gift for measuring the cycles of the moon and planets – and thus for measuring anything at all? In the rarefied fields of philosophy and religion, could women compensate for missing the rhythm of the universe? Or for their lack of symbolic death-and-resurrection every month?

Liberal males in every field would be kind to women: the fact that these people have no gift for measuring life or connecting the universe, the liberals would explain, that should be punishment enough.

… via RIBTICKLERS

In Lappland Ante was caught stealing reindeer.

The owner was so mad that he undressed Ante and tied him to a birch tree. He was to stand there during the night as a suitable punishment.

The next morning the owner came to untie Ante:

I hope the mosquitos were really bad this night!

Oh, the mosquitos were nothing compared to that weaning reindeer calf which could not find its mother!

Q: What is the difference between a brain surgeon and God? A: God doesnt think hes a brain surgeon!