Old and New Jokes

A young Jewish man moves out to the city to live in a studio apartment. Before he left his mom gave him 2 dress shirts as a going away gift. One was blue and one was cream colored.

His mother was very nervous and wouldnt stop calling him to ask thim to move back home from the ghetto. The young man invited his mom over to dinner the next week in order to show her that the neighborhood was safe.

She arrived on time with dad and a shopping bag full of food (because she was sure he was starving).

When he opened the door his mom frowned. The young man was worried and asked, Mom, whats wrong?


She replied, Whats the matter, you didnt like the other shirt?

• Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
  

• You ski uphill.
  

• You get a speeding ticket even when youre parked.
  

• You speed walk in your sleep.
  

• You answer the door before people knock.
  

• You havent blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  

• You just completed another sweater and you dont know how to knit.
  

• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  

• Jai alai plays as slow as a seniors golf tournament to you.
  

• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
  

• You sleep with your eyes open.
  

• You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without
  using the timer.
  

• You listen to speed metal to relax.
  

• Youve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
  

• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  

• You chew on other peoples fingernails.
  

• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  

• Youre so jittery people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
  

• You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
  

• You can jump start your car without cables.
  

• Cocaine is a downer.
  

• You dont need a hammer to pound in nails.
  

• Your only source of nutrition comes from sweet & low.
  

• You buy milk by the barrel.
  

• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  

• You walk twenty miles on the treadmill before realizing its
  not plugged in.
  

• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  

• Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
  

• People get dizzy just watching you.
  

• The Tasters Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  

• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  

• Youve melted away your fillings.
  

• People can test their batteries in you ears.
  

• Your face is on a Colombian postage stamp.
  

• Your lifes goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
  

• Lightning strikes you and it gets perked up.
  

• Commodity traders use you to predict the world coffee market.
  

• Instant coffee takes too long.
  

• You channel surf faster without the remote.
  

• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
  

• You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
  

• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  

• You ride an exercise bike to work.
  

• You can outlast the energizer bunny.
  

• You short out motion detectors.
  

• You dont even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  

• You can play ping pong without a partner.
  

• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  

• Your blood type is c8-h10-n4-o2.
  

• You made provisions in your will for your coffee supply.
  

• You tear open bean bags just to make sure.
  

• You use coffee flavored mouthwash.
  

• You constantly speak like an auctioneer.
  

• Your children dont come near you until youve had your
  first cup.
  

• The stewardess hands you the whole pot.
  

• You have coffee stains on your fingers.
  

• You meditate while listening to your natural sounds of
  coffee brewing CD.
  

• The Betty Ford clinic opened a coffee ward just for you.
  

• You had to remove your car stereo to make room for your
  cup holder.
  

• You carry a spare mug in your trunk.
  

• You lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of
  iced coffee to get you in the mood.
  

• You help your dog chase its tail.
  

• You coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
  

• Without you, the US would not be the worlds leading coffee consumer.
  

• You think CPR stands for coffee provides resuscitation.
  

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beerhall.

One of them says, Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick.

How did you get it fixed?

Well I just dipped my finger in the cows vagina and rubbed it all over the bulls nose and he got right after her.

Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cows vagina and rubs it all around the bulls nose. The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.

That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and cant get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wifes vagina and feeling that its nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, Honey, look!

She rolls over, turns on the light and says, You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry". He has been around forever, so I wouldnt put it past him to come up with something like this.Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid-terms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didnt make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Bonk after the final and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didnt have a spare and couldnt get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated, relieved and very proud of their story. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page…WHICH TIRE? (95 points)

This is making the rounds here…

Duke University Medical Center is reporting an unusual occurrence in the
Obstetrics department: a child was born with both male and female organs.

A penis and a brain.

A young man in high school was falling behind in his classes, he was also getting into other trouble(fights, drugs, sex, etc). His family was rather religious so they asked thier local priest to talk to thier child. Thier conversation went something like this;Priest: Son, why are you falling behind in school?
Kid: I was just following the bible father.
Priest: …any paticular part?
Kid: The book of procrastination.
Priest: …I dont quite remember that one…
Kid: of course not, God never got around to putting it in.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. She tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.

Snow White relents and says, When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around.

Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the splash, they turn around and see Snow White naked.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?
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Scroll down for the answer.
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Keep scrolling down for the answer.
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Come on now, this should be easy for a person of your mental powers!
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Keep scrolling down.
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SEVEN UP!!!

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks –

Whats your problem, Soldier?

Chronic syphilis, Sir!

What treatment are you getting?

Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!

Whats your ambition?

To get back to the front lines, Sir!

Good man! says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.

Whats your problem, Soldier?

Chronic piles, Sir!

What treatment are you getting?

Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!

Whats your ambition?

To get back to the front lines, Sir!

Good man! says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.

Whats your problem, Soldier?

Chronic gum disease, Sir!

What treatment are you getting?

Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!

Whats your ambition?

To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two – Sir!

So this guy walks into a bar and says, “Gve me two beers.”

The bartender obliges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, “Give me two more beers.”

So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.

So the bartender asks, “Whats in your wallet that you keep looking at?”

So the man opens his wallet and says, “The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets.”

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB — $850/offer

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED…

ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

FREE PUPPIES:

PART COCKER SPANIEL –

PART SNEAKY NEIGHBORS DOG

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.

NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS.

20 YR. WARRANTY.

LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

BILLS SEPTIC CLEANING

WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.

LOOKS LIKE A RAT…

BEEN OUT AWHILE..

BETTER BE REWARD.

GEORGIA PEACHES

– CALIFORNIA GROWN –

89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

COMMUNITY HEADLINE:

ALZHEIMERS CENTER PREPARES

FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER!

GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.