Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so short she models for trophys.

Bush got a coded message from Saddam.
It read: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was stumped and sent for the CIA. The CIA was stumped too, so it went to the NSA.

The NSA couldnt solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton.

He suggested turning the message upside down …

Venancio va a enviarle un radiomensaje a Manolo:

¿Me indica su PIN?

Claro… ahora lo recuerdo… mmmm, pues… ah, sí, 12345678.

¿Cuál es el mensaje?

Manolo, pasa por mi casa, que has olvidao tu pager.

Un día en la escuela la profesora estaba pasando lista:

¿Lola Lopez?

Presente.

¿Miguel Soles?

Presente.

Y así sigue, hasta que llega hasta Pepito, que era el mas vulgar.

Pepito Angulo.

Me pica el culo.

La profesora sale enojada del salón de clase y se va donde la directora, esta le dice que diga el nombre al revés y punto.

Al día siguiente pasa lista muy confiada:

Reyes Adrián.

Presente.

Hasta que llegó donde Pepito, pensando te jodi, Pepito.

Angulo Pepito.

¡Me pica igualito!

Yo mama was fired from the sperm bank because she got caught drinking on the job!

Problem: World Hunger



Solution: Chop up some of the hungry people and feed them to other hungry people until no one is hungry anymore.



Problem: World Peace



Solution: Remove all the humans from the planet.



Problem: Poverty



Solution: Give the poor people the job of chopping up the hungry people and pay them.



Problem: People Leaching Welfare (CANADA)



Solution: Chop them up with the hungry people.



Problem: War



Solution: Create a new law so that for every person you kill, you loose a limb. Bullets and firearms will be sold to you, but at the price of a limb. When you die, your firearms will be cremated with you.



Problem: Injustice



Solution: This will never be solved, because no matter how fair something may be, some damn whiner will bitch about it and come up with some lame excuse as to why it is unfair.



Problem: Over Population



Solution: Sterilize the population.



Problem: Nuclear Weapons



Solution: Dismantle them and send them into space. If we ever need them to blow up an asteroid, then put them together again.



Problem: Aliens Stealing DNA Samples



Solution: Start shooting DNA into space to save the aliens the trip… and us the probing.



Problem: Washing Machine & Dryer Stealing Socks



Solution: Take them into the fields and shoot them along with the designers.



Problem: Stupid People



Solution: Kill them. Only I get to decide who lives.



Problem: Bad Parents



Solution: Parents must pass a test administered by me. If they fail, they get sterilized until they pass the test. If you fail twice, you stay sterilized for 5 years.



Problem: Animal Abuse



Solution: Kill the person doing it. I get to kill them.



Problem: Space Junk Floating AroundSolution: Make a giant pool skimmer and clean the place up! How can we possibly have company over when the place is a mess?



Problem: Stupid Teenage Female Puppet Singers (Like Brittany Spears)



Solution: Pump up their fake boobs until they explode or fuck them up the ass real hard until they bleed to death. Tape it as well so I can piss myself laughing.



Problem: Dumbass All Boy Bands Who All Sound The Same



Solution: Force them to do their little dance routines for months, or until they collapse. If that doesnt work, then fuck them up the ass real hard until they bleed to death. Then shoot them and tape it for me.

It was stuck to the chickens foot!

When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?

The blonde said, I want 15 gallons. Im going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath to make me more attractive.

The milkman replied, Oh, OK. Pasteurized?

The blonde looked at the milkman with a confused look on her face and said…
No. Just up to my boobs.

A bride and groom who had never had sex before were on their honeymoon. The groom, not wanting to upset his wife, warned her by saying, Honey, just so you know, Im hung like an infant. Oh sweetie, thats okay, she answered, I married you because I love you, not because of stuff like that.So the groom opens his robe. The brides face goes white, and she lets out a scream of fright.But honey, I warned you! the groom says, Like an infant…eight pounds, 21 inches!

There are three guys who are good friends. One is an American, one

is Polish, and one is Italian.

They are driving together one day when they get into a car accident. They all die and float up towards the gates of Heaven.

When they get there, an angel who tells them they are all on the border of Heaven and Hell. As a result, they have the choice to either ask a question of the angel or be asked a question. If they answer correctly, or if the angel answers incorrectly on their question, they will pass into Heaven.

The Italian guy goes first. He tells the angel to ask him a question. The angel says, How many grains of sand are there in the world? The Italian guy says, Um, four trillion? and falls straight to Hell.

The polish guy goes next and wants the angel toe ask a question. The angel says, How many drops of water are there in all of the worlds oceans? He says, Uh, ninety-eight billion? and also falls straight to Hell.

Finally, its the Americans turn. He tells the angel he will ask the

question, but he needs a pencil and paper. The angel snaps his fingers and it magically appears. The American proceeds to take the paper, makes hundreds of holes in it with the pencil and farts through it. He then asks the angel, Which hole did my fart go through? The angel replies, Thats easy, and points to a hole.

The American says…

No, it came out of this one! and points to his butt, and then goes to Heaven.