Old and New Jokes

God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action
suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a
temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the
cease and desist order for the earthly part.

Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in
the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, Let there be light, and immediately the officials
demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip
mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would
come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to
make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire:
that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would
turn the light off half the time. God agreed and said he would call the
light Day and the darkness Night. Officials replied that they were
not interested in semantics.

God said, Let the earth bring forth green herb and bear much seed.
The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, Let
waters bring forth creeping creatures begetting life; and the fowl that
may fly over the earth. Officials pointed out this would require
approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly
Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was O.K. until God said he wanted to complete the project
in Six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the
application and impact statement. After that there would be a public
hearing. Then there would be a 10-12 month approval period before…

At this point God created Hell.

If the enemy is in range, so are you.Incoming fire has the right of way.Dont look conspicuous: it draws fire.Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.Professionals are predictable, its the amateurs that are dangerous.The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
1. When youre ready for them.
2. When youre not ready for them.Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.Dont draw fire, it irritates the people around you.The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.If its stupid but works, it isnt stupid.When in doubt empty the magazine.Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you cant get out.Mines are equal opportunity weapons.A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.Dont ever be the first, dont ever be the last and dont ever volunteer to do anything.Five second fuses only last three seconds.

The drunk stumbled into a podiatrists office, mistaking it for a whorehouse.

The nurse asked him his name, then told him to go behind the screen and stick it out. So, naturally, the drunk weaved over the screen, dropped his pants, and stuck his dick through the screen.

The nurse walked over, shrieked, and dropped her tray of instruments. Thats not a foot! she screamed.

The drunk replied, Sshorry, lady! I didnt know there was a minimum!

A man is driving down a country road when he spots a
farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He
pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that
the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking
at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the
farmer and asks him, Ah excuse me mister, but what
are you doing?

The farmer replies, Im trying to win a Nobel Prize.

How? asks the man, puzzled.

Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are
out standing in their field.

From RedneckHumor.com

Your momma so fat when she wears high heels she strikes oil!

What do you call a midget clairvoyant on the run?
A small medium at large!

After Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils to write an essay about how they spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following:

We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on three-wheeled tricycles and they all wear name tags, because they dont know who they are.

They go to a big building called a wrecked hall, but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it is alright now. They play games and do exercises there, but they dont do them very good. There is a swimming pool there. They go in it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they dont know how to swim.

As you go into their park, there is a doll house with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they cant get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells that they think are dollars.

My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night – early birds. Some of the people are so retarded they dont know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it Pot Luck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the doll house wont let them out.

I ran across this one in one of the local tabloids yesterday:

A 56 year old gentleman was arrested near White River Junction, VT in April after trying to break through a police rolling roadblock on I-89. Shaw, who was charged with DUI and other offenses, sa, I saw it so many times in the movies I had to try it.

(I wonder if he ever watched Son of Flubber and tried to fly as well?)

Male responses to A penny for your thoughts

1. Anger

2. Silence

3. What thoughts?

Merlin, Inc. technical support. How can I help you?

Yesterday Ive bought your sword …

Congratulations, sir, youve made the right choice!

It doesnt work.

What does it mean – doesnt work?

It doesnt cut the dragons head.

Have you read the manual, sir?

A noble knight have not to know how to read! But my armour-bearer has read it for me aloud twice.

Well, sir. Have you taken the sword out of the sheath?

Yes.

Is that really so? Check it again, please.

Ive done it, I say to you!

Okay, sir. Now check the edge sharpness.

Ough!

You shouldnt do it with your finger, sir.

What thinger? Ive done it with my phongue! I always check a sharp flavour of my dishes like that.

You see, sir, a sword has a bit different construction than your dinner dishes. The term sharp means here …

Im not obliged to know you technical terms! Im a user, not a hardware specialist. Youd better answer why doesnt it work!

Did it work before?

I dont know, Ive bought it only yesterday!

Okay, sir. Have you done anything with it?

No!

Are you sure?

Well, I only took it out of the sheath.

Did you try to grind it yourself?

What for?

You know better, sir. Maybe you tried to install new spells on it?

No, I use the default ones, which are supplied with the sword!

Maybe its the spoiling, sir? How long ago have you updated your holy water?

Ive downloaded the fresh version only two days ago!

I see, sir. Then look if there are unscreened sources of black magic nearby. They may create hindrances for the sword.

What sources?! Im in the desert!

Dont be so nervous, sir.

Im not nervous!

Then why do you pant?

Because the dragon is chasing me!

Oh, so the dragon is near you?

Yes, genius, he is already QUITE near!

Excellent, sir! Give him the receiver.

And what if he bites my arm off?

Sorry, sir, but medical issues are beyond our competence.

Next time Ill buy a sword of Morgana, Ltd.!

Well … okay, sir. Describe at least how the dragon looks.

Well, he is such … yellow … with a red moustache …

Its clear now. You should begin with it. Its a non-licensed dragon, a Chinese counterfeit.

And?

Read the license agreement, sir. Merlin, Inc. doesnt guarantee any compatibility with non-certified devices.

And what shall I do?

Dont use cheap no-name dragons anymore, sir.

Looks like HE is going to use me right now! Aaagh! No! Aaaaarrrgghhh!!!! …

Sir? Sir, are you okay? … Well, in any case, Merlin, Inc. thanks you for your business.