Old and New Jokes

Your momma so fat when she wears high heels she strikes oil!

What do you call a midget clairvoyant on the run?
A small medium at large!

After Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils to write an essay about how they spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following:

We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on three-wheeled tricycles and they all wear name tags, because they dont know who they are.

They go to a big building called a wrecked hall, but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it is alright now. They play games and do exercises there, but they dont do them very good. There is a swimming pool there. They go in it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they dont know how to swim.

As you go into their park, there is a doll house with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they cant get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells that they think are dollars.

My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night – early birds. Some of the people are so retarded they dont know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it Pot Luck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the doll house wont let them out.

I ran across this one in one of the local tabloids yesterday:

A 56 year old gentleman was arrested near White River Junction, VT in April after trying to break through a police rolling roadblock on I-89. Shaw, who was charged with DUI and other offenses, sa, I saw it so many times in the movies I had to try it.

(I wonder if he ever watched Son of Flubber and tried to fly as well?)

Male responses to A penny for your thoughts

1. Anger

2. Silence

3. What thoughts?

Merlin, Inc. technical support. How can I help you?

Yesterday Ive bought your sword …

Congratulations, sir, youve made the right choice!

It doesnt work.

What does it mean – doesnt work?

It doesnt cut the dragons head.

Have you read the manual, sir?

A noble knight have not to know how to read! But my armour-bearer has read it for me aloud twice.

Well, sir. Have you taken the sword out of the sheath?

Yes.

Is that really so? Check it again, please.

Ive done it, I say to you!

Okay, sir. Now check the edge sharpness.

Ough!

You shouldnt do it with your finger, sir.

What thinger? Ive done it with my phongue! I always check a sharp flavour of my dishes like that.

You see, sir, a sword has a bit different construction than your dinner dishes. The term sharp means here …

Im not obliged to know you technical terms! Im a user, not a hardware specialist. Youd better answer why doesnt it work!

Did it work before?

I dont know, Ive bought it only yesterday!

Okay, sir. Have you done anything with it?

No!

Are you sure?

Well, I only took it out of the sheath.

Did you try to grind it yourself?

What for?

You know better, sir. Maybe you tried to install new spells on it?

No, I use the default ones, which are supplied with the sword!

Maybe its the spoiling, sir? How long ago have you updated your holy water?

Ive downloaded the fresh version only two days ago!

I see, sir. Then look if there are unscreened sources of black magic nearby. They may create hindrances for the sword.

What sources?! Im in the desert!

Dont be so nervous, sir.

Im not nervous!

Then why do you pant?

Because the dragon is chasing me!

Oh, so the dragon is near you?

Yes, genius, he is already QUITE near!

Excellent, sir! Give him the receiver.

And what if he bites my arm off?

Sorry, sir, but medical issues are beyond our competence.

Next time Ill buy a sword of Morgana, Ltd.!

Well … okay, sir. Describe at least how the dragon looks.

Well, he is such … yellow … with a red moustache …

Its clear now. You should begin with it. Its a non-licensed dragon, a Chinese counterfeit.

And?

Read the license agreement, sir. Merlin, Inc. doesnt guarantee any compatibility with non-certified devices.

And what shall I do?

Dont use cheap no-name dragons anymore, sir.

Looks like HE is going to use me right now! Aaagh! No! Aaaaarrrgghhh!!!! …

Sir? Sir, are you okay? … Well, in any case, Merlin, Inc. thanks you for your business.

Dentist to Patient: Would you help me out? Id like you to give a few of your loudest screams?Patient: Why, Doc? It isnt all that bad this time.Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I dont want to miss the 5 oclock baseball game.

A new lecturer (also a Bihari professor) was unable to control the class. The guys were just talking without giving any attention to him. So he wanted to send a guy who was creating most of the problem out. But he doesnt know how to put it in English. He went near the guy. Shouted, follow me .The guy followed him till he went out of the class. Now the lecturer turned back and again shouted, Dont follow me and went inside the class……….

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:

$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customers table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, –

You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know thats the first time in ten years weve been out of rye bread!

Patient: Doctor, youve got to help me, some mornings I wake up and think Im Donald Duck, other mornings I think Im Mickey Mouse.
Doctor: Hmmmmmmm, and how long have you been having these disney spells?