Old and New Jokes

One, the rest just sit around and talk about how they did it first.

I have good news and bad news, a defense attorney told his client.

First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victims dress.



Oh, no – Im ruined! cried the client. Whats the good news?



Your cholesterol is down to 140!

There was a young man, who was known for his lack of study and the rabbi of the congregation, was not about to let this go unnoticed. He performed his Bar Mitzvah, and rose to the occasion as best he could, with the minimal lack of preparation.

When it came time to hand out the gifts, to the young lad, he received the usual Kiddush Cup, and Bible, from the congregation.

But then the rabbi, added a special gift. He said, You have received many gifts today, many treasures of Indiums in book form, that will enrich your life, and make it, holy, in the eyes of Hashem…and now for my own special gift to you, with that he pulled out an UMBRELLA, from behind the lecturn, and told the boy, who had become a man, in the previous half hour, I present you this umbrella, because, I want to give you a gift that at least I know you will open.

A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short
skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances
at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Id like some raisin bread, please,
the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the
very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with
an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male
customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.

Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb
up and down.

After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the
top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man
standing amongst the throng. Is yours raisin too? the clerk yells testily.
No, croaks the feeble old man, But its startin to twitch.

If your wife comes out of the kitchen and starts complaining, what

does that mean?

Her chain is to long!

A feeling common to most Canadians is that Americans, when met
individually, can be so likable, while the country as a whole is not. The
American I liked best in my travels about Europe was the young man I
encountered one day at the Acropolis as tourists scrambled to record that
crowning achievement high above smoggy Athens. He was standing outside the
Parthenon, offering to operate the cameras carried by an endless series of
puffing couples in pastels and pinks. He had grown so ashamed of the
gaucheness and vulgarity of his fellow Americans throughout Europe that he
decided the Parthenon–the site of the photograph of a lifetime for Madge and
Henry–was the spot for revenge. He took all their pictures for them–
while carefully cutting off their heads or including only their feet. He
cackled as he imagined all those tourists, safely back home in Iowa or
Louisiana, finding out when the drugstore returned their Kodak prints that a
saboteur with the same passport had betrayed them.

Allan Fotheringham,
in Capitol Offences: Dr. Foth meets Uncle Sam

Whats black and white and red all over?
An embarassed zebra!

You might be a redneck if…
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

…doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. I really should have mentioned this earlier, but Im actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex. The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the drivers seat looking out the window. Why arent we going anywhere? asked the girl. Well, I should have mentioned this before, but Im actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.

Q. What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?
A. Hose A and Hose B