What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river?
Pollution.
What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge?
Solution.

Holy Man lives in a house close to the river. It rains for a couple days, the river comes up and starts to flood his house. A man in a 4-wheel drive pick-up truck stops to pick him up. The Holy Man wouldnt leave. He said God would save him. A couple hours later Holy Man is on the roof. The water is now half way up his house. A guy in a boat comes by to save him. But Holy Man wouldnt go, he said God would save him. A couple hours later, the water is now up to the roof. A guy flies up in a helicopter, but again Holy Man wouldnt go. He said said God would save him. Well Holy Man drowns, goes before God and asks Why didnt you save me? God said, I sent you a truck, a boat and a helicopter, what more do you want?

In the early seventies, Ed Whitchurch ran his game, and one of the participants was Eric Sorenson. Eric plays something like a computer. When he games he methodically considers each possibility before choosing his preferred option. If given time, he will invariably pick the optimal solution. It has been known to take weeks. He is otherwise, in all respects, a superior gamer.
Eric was playing a Paladin in Eds game. He was on some lords lands when the following exchange occurred: ED: You see a well groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you see a gazebo.
ERIC: A gazebo? What color is it?
ED: (Pause) Its white, Eric.
ERIC: How far away is it?
ED: About 50 yards.
ERIC: How big is it?
ED: (Pause) Its about 30 ft across, 15 ft high, with a pointed top.
ERIC: I use my sword to detect good on it.
ED: Its not good, Eric. Its a gazebo.
ERIC: (Pause) I call out to it.
ED: It wont answer. Its a gazebo.
ERIC: (Pause) I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it respond in any way?
ED: No, Eric, its a gazebo!
ERIC: I shoot it with my bow (roll to hit). What happened?
ED: There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.
ERIC: (Pause) Wasnt it wounded?
ED: OF COURSE NOT, ERIC! ITS A GAZEBO!
ERIC: (Whimper) But that was a +3 arrow!
ED: Its a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO! If you really want to try to destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I dont know why anybody would even try. Its a @#$%!! gazebo!
ERIC: (Long pause. He has no axe or fire spells.) I run away.
ED: (Thoroughly frustrated) Its too late. Youve awakened the gazebo. It catches you and eats you.
ERIC: (Reaching for his dice) Maybe Ill roll up a fire-using mage so I can avenge my Paladin. At this point, the increasingly amused fellow party members restored a modicum of order by explaining to Eric what a gazebo is. Thus ends the tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo. It could have bee

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write for sexual favors.

3. Specify that your drive-through order is TO-GO.

4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions to keep them tuned up.

7. Reply to everything someone says with thats what you think.

8. Practice making fax and modem noises.

9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and cc them to your boss.

10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

11. Finish all your sentences with the words in accordance with prophesy.

12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.

13. Disassemble your pen and accidentally flip the ink cartridge across the room.

14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you like it that way.

16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.

17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.

18. Honk and wave to strangers.

19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.

20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

21. type only in lowercase.

22. dont use any punctuation either

23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.

DO YOU HEAR THAT?

What?

Never mind, its gone now.

25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce No, wait, I messed it up, and repeat.

27. Ask people what gender they are.

28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

30. Sing along at the opera.

31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesnt rhyme.

32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about psychological profiles.

Dear friends, Being retired and with the stock market going down, our monthly pension payment is quite small now, and dont reach as far as we would like. We now shop more conservatively and often visit Wal-Mart for bargains. I just wanted to share this new secret with my many friends. We may have started a new revolution! My old JC Penney underwear were starting to wear thin and so we came up with what we hope is a novel idea to
stretch our money. Please see the attached photo, which will explain
this new, no cost solution for underwear. If you find merit in this,
please forward to everyone you know to help them with any budget concerns they may have.Love, Pappy

GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT

The Tallahassee Bugle



MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS

The Anchorage Alaska Times



GOVERNORS PENIS BUSY [should be Pen Is]

The New Haven Connecticut Register



THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON

The Arkansas Plainsman



CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORES HANDS

Bangor Maine News



STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION

The Washington Times



CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL

The Bosnia Bugle



LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILIS BLOW

Newsday



ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX

San Antonio Rose



PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE

Chicago Daily News



TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS

The Miami Herald



MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING

The New Haven Connecticut Register



GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS

The Tallahassee Democrat



WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY!

The Houston Chronicle

A woman asks her husband if hed like some breakfast. Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?

He declines. Its this Viagra, he says, Its really taken the edge off my appetite.

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?

Again he declines. No, thanks. Its this Viagra, he says, Its really taken the edge off my appetite.

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? Thatll only take a couple of minutes.

Once more, he declines. Again, thanks, but its this Viagra. Its really taken the edge off my appetite.

Well, then, she says, Would you mind getting off me? Im STARVING!

Mr MacTavish was very sick. His wife sat at his bedside after the doctor had said no more could be done. The man said, I dont think Im going to make it thru the nite.

The wife replied, Ive got to finish my chores, but if you feel yourself slipping away before I return, please be sure to blow out the candle.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?

A: Its on. Its off. Its on. Its off. Its on. Its off.

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor…

I feel real good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum.

You mean you gave a bum five dollars? Thats a lot of money to give away like that. What did you husband say about it?

Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said, Thanks.