One of them says I think I left an electron outside.The other asked, Are you positive?
28
Nov
28
Nov
Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus.
The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain.
The second lady looks at that and says, Thats such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?
Its a condom, The first lady replies.
Well, where can you buy those?
the second lady asks.
Um… Most people buy them at pharmacies. the first lady replies.
So the second lady goes to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter.
Do you guys sell those condom things? she asks the pharmacist.
Why yes we do, the pharmacist says a little confused, Do you know what size you need?
So the lady says, Well its got to fit a Camel.
28
Nov
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, Hans Olaffsens Laundry.
Hans Olaffsen?, he muses. How the heck does that fit in here?
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsens Laundry?
The old man answers, Is name of owner.
The tourist asks, Well, who and where is the owner?
Me, is right here, replies the old man.
You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?
Is simple, says the old man. Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, What your name?
He say, Hans Olaffsen.
Then she look at me and go, What your name?
I say, Sem Ting.
28
Nov
Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it cant hear you.
Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
Q: Whats grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.
Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant? (Stup-pid, fuul, idyut!)
Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.
Q: How do you get an elephant into a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, and close the door.
Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the Beetle door, take the elephant out, close the Beetle door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.
Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.
Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.
Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Cant get the fridge door closed.
Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: Theres a Volkswagen Beetle parked outside it.
Q: How do you get 8 elephants in a fridge?
A: Put four in a Volkswagen Beetle, four in another Beetle, put the two Beetles in the fridge.
Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
A: Open door, get two Beetles out, put Tarzan in, close door.
Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You cant, silly. There is only one Tarzan!
Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isnt not large enough to hold them all.
Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.
Q: The Lion gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
A: They were stuck in the Volkswagen Beetle.
Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: None, the elephants are in there!
Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Dont be stupid, elephants cant change light bulbs.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: Look, therere 1,000 elephants coming over the hill.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with Sunglasses on, coming over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didnt recognize them.
Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work.
Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: Theyre all on the same team.
Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?
A: Getting two elephants into the back seat of your car!
Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts cant talk.
28
Nov
What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river?
Pollution.
What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge?
Solution.
28
Nov
Holy Man lives in a house close to the river. It rains for a couple days, the river comes up and starts to flood his house. A man in a 4-wheel drive pick-up truck stops to pick him up. The Holy Man wouldnt leave. He said God would save him. A couple hours later Holy Man is on the roof. The water is now half way up his house. A guy in a boat comes by to save him. But Holy Man wouldnt go, he said God would save him. A couple hours later, the water is now up to the roof. A guy flies up in a helicopter, but again Holy Man wouldnt go. He said said God would save him. Well Holy Man drowns, goes before God and asks Why didnt you save me? God said, I sent you a truck, a boat and a helicopter, what more do you want?
28
Nov
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write for sexual favors.
3. Specify that your drive-through order is TO-GO.
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions to keep them tuned up.
7. Reply to everything someone says with thats what you think.
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and cc them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words in accordance with prophesy.
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and accidentally flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you like it that way.
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
DO YOU HEAR THAT?
What?
Never mind, its gone now.
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce No, wait, I messed it up, and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesnt rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about psychological profiles.
28
Nov
Dear friends, Being retired and with the stock market going down, our monthly pension payment is quite small now, and dont reach as far as we would like. We now shop more conservatively and often visit Wal-Mart for bargains. I just wanted to share this new secret with my many friends. We may have started a new revolution! My old JC Penney underwear were starting to wear thin and so we came up with what we hope is a novel idea to
stretch our money. Please see the attached photo, which will explain
this new, no cost solution for underwear. If you find merit in this,
please forward to everyone you know to help them with any budget concerns they may have.Love, Pappy
28
Nov
GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
The Tallahassee Bugle
MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
The Anchorage Alaska Times
GOVERNORS PENIS BUSY [should be Pen Is]
The New Haven Connecticut Register
THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
The Arkansas Plainsman
CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORES HANDS
Bangor Maine News
STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
The Washington Times
CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
The Bosnia Bugle
LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILIS BLOW
Newsday
ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
San Antonio Rose
PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
Chicago Daily News
TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
The Miami Herald
MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
The New Haven Connecticut Register
GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
The Tallahassee Democrat
WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY!
The Houston Chronicle
28
Nov
Mr MacTavish was very sick. His wife sat at his bedside after the doctor had said no more could be done. The man said, I dont think Im going to make it thru the nite.
The wife replied, Ive got to finish my chores, but if you feel yourself slipping away before I return, please be sure to blow out the candle.