28
Nov

Golf For Sex

A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to

find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a

cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.

A magic potion she replies.

Well what does it for he asks. This potion will make anyone an

excellent golfer.

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is

agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his

sex life.

After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion.

He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of

golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He

spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every

course he manage to get to and having a wonderful time of it. After

a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the

witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk

to her.

Well, she asks, How has your game been? Great! This has been

the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and

never lost a game.

And how about your sex life? Oh, not bad.

Really? This stuff can really ruin a guys sex life. Say, how many

times did you have sex last year? Hmmmm, it was three, no, four

times.

And you call that not bad? Not for a priest with a small parish.

28
Nov

Short jokes for women who hate men

Q: What is the title of the thinnest book in the world?

A: What men know about women

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One… a man will screw anything

Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?

A: He eats beans for dinner

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

A: Because they dont have balls to scratch

Q: What is a mans idea of foreplay?

A: 30 minutes of begging

Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?

A: If hes breathing

Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?

A: Bonds mature

Q: What do men and beer bottles have in common?

A: They are both empty from the neck up

Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?

A: Who cares

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A: We dont know… Its never been done

Q: How are men and parking spaces alike?

A: The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped

Q: What is a mans idea of helping with the housework?

A: Lifting his feet so you can vacuum

Q: What is the difference between a man and E.T.?

A: E.T. phoned home

Q: What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?

A: A hot dog and a six pack of beer

28
Nov

Bill Clinton Top10…

From David Letterman and the Late Show…

Top Ten Signs Bill Clinton Doesnt Give A Damn

10. Called Russia asking if they need a new spy

9. When people whisper, Your fly is open, he says, Yeah, I know

8. Shoplifts at will, gives finger to security camera

7. If you asked what he had for breakfast and he actually had waffles, hell say pancakes just for the fun of lying

6. Hes no longer just fat — hes now Hugh Rodham fat

5. Tubby is selling a copy of the Declaration of Indepence on eBay

4. Doesnt even bother to buy high-quality cigars anymore

3. Recently introduced Playboy playmate as my lovely wife

2. Refers to Chappaqua mansion as the house that dirty pardon money built

1. Sits in the back of Al Gores journalism class screaming, Loser!

28
Nov

Cucumber&pickle

A cucumber and a pickle were having a conversation.

The pickle said to the cucumber, I got it bad man, everytime I get big, fat and juicy I get seasoned and put in a jar.

The cucumber said to the pickle, Well everytime I get big, fat and juicy I get chopped up and out over salad.

The penis walks by and overhears them and says, I got it worse than you both. When I get big, fat and juicy I get put in a dark, smelly room and they make me do push-ups till I throw up.

28
Nov

A blind guy

One morning a blind guy was walking down the street.

As he was walking he passed by a fish market, took a whiff, and said Good morning ladies!

28
Nov

Cure for …

The other day I was sitting in the doctors office when a nun came running out of the exam room screaming and yelling. She was so upset, she didnt even pay her bill, just slammed the door and left.

About a minute later the doctor came out and the nurse asked him, Doctor, what on earth happened in there?

The doctor replied, Well, I examined her. Then I told her she was pregnant.

Pregnant? A nun? Thats impossible!, said the nurse.

I know it. But it sure cured her hiccups.

28
Nov

Blondes and Brunettes

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep cant bring beer from the fridge. Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.

28
Nov

Golfing in the Woods

Q: These days, what do you need to shoot to win a professional golf tournament? A: Tiger Woods.

28
Nov

What does the zero say to the the eight?

Nice belt!

28
Nov

Redneck Jokes joke #10997

There were 2 rednecks that lived on opposite sides of the river. One was named Clearance and the other Billy.

They would always threaten to beat the crap out of each other, but said they couldnt because the river was keeping them from getting to each other.

They swore that if there was ever a bridge made that they would go across and fight.

Well a few years went by and they began to build a bridge. When it was done, Billys wife told him to go fight Clearance since there was a bridge now. So he decided to head that way.

In the middle of the bridge, there was a sign that said Clearance 11ft 3in.

All of a sudden Billys wife heard a banging on the door. There was her husband, out of breath.

She asked Well did you fight him?

He said No.

Well why not? she asked.

Because Clearance didnt look eleven feet three inches from across the river.