Three midgets are standing around talking.
Were the three plainest midgets around. Theres nothing special about us at all!
So the 1st midget goes, Hey, I have an idea! Im gonna go to the Guiness Book of World Records & see if Im the shortest man in the world! He goes and gets measured. He comes back happy & goes Im the shortest man!
Then tha 2nd midget says That gives me an idea! Im gonna see if I have the shortest legs. So he goes and gets his legs measured. He comes back happy & goes I have the shortest legs in the world!
The 3rd midget looks at himself & goes Im gonna go see if I have the shortest penis in the world. So he goes and gets it measured. He comes back pissed off. The other midgets are like Whats the matter? And tha 3rd midget is like Who the hell is (blank)?!?!?! ***You are supposed to insert the name of the person you are telling the joke to in the blank. For example, if I was telling the joke to a guy named Bob, then the last line of the joke would be: And tha 3rd midget is like Who tha hell is Bob?!?!?! ****~This joke works very well on AIM profiles and away messages. Instead of leaving a blank where a name is supposed to go in the last line, you can use the %n so that it will insert the screenname of whoever is reading it.~*
New bumper sticker seen on a Florida car: Dont blame me, I voted for both of them.
What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, This is a tree. The chief looks at the tree and grunts, Tree. The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, This is a rock. Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, Rock. The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly says, Riding a bike.
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, My bike!
What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste!
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He says,What are you doing?
She answers, Im moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where hes going, he replies…
Im going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!
Whats the difference between a mans paycheck and his dick?
He can always find a girl to blow his paycheck!
An Irish bloke goes to the doctor: Dactor, its me ahrse. Id loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot.
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. Incredible. he says, There is a $20 note lodged up here.
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the mans bottom, and then a $10 note appears.
This is amazing exclaims the Doctor What do you want me to do?
Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man suggests the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another etc …
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dats moch batter, how moch is dare den?
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. $1990 exactly.
Ah, datd be roit. I knew I wasnt feeling two grand
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse: No change yet.
( From a T-shirt )
When god created man before he created woman, remember that artists
make models first before they make masterpieces.
[Ed: This and other jokes to come are prompted by a request I made for
sexist jokes that poke fun at men. ]