What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, This is a tree. The chief looks at the tree and grunts, Tree. The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, This is a rock. Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, Rock. The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly says, Riding a bike.

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, My bike!

Yo mama so gross her pillow cries at night.

What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste!

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He says,What are you doing?

She answers, Im moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where hes going, he replies…

Im going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!

Whats the difference between a mans paycheck and his dick?

He can always find a girl to blow his paycheck!

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor: Dactor, its me ahrse. Id loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. Incredible. he says, There is a $20 note lodged up here.

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the mans bottom, and then a $10 note appears.

This is amazing exclaims the Doctor What do you want me to do?

Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man suggests the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another etc …

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dats moch batter, how moch is dare den?

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. $1990 exactly.

Ah, datd be roit. I knew I wasnt feeling two grand

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

Nurse: No change yet.

( From a T-shirt )

When god created man before he created woman, remember that artists
make models first before they make masterpieces.

[Ed: This and other jokes to come are prompted by a request I made for
sexist jokes that poke fun at men. ]

A couple of maintenance men are working around launch pad of the space shuttle
one day, when one of them notices some fuel leaking from one of the fuel
lines. They call mission control, who instructs them to try and contain the
fuel till they can figure out what to do about it.

They start collecting it into buckets, cans, jars, whatever they can find
around. After several hours (it takes mission control a long time to figure
out how to stop these things) one of them decides to take a taste of it.

Jim: Hey, Joe! Take a taste of this stuff. It aint half-bad.

Joe: Are you crazy?

Jim: No, really. Its kinda like vodka or something.

Joe: Youre right! This is pretty good!

Jim: Yea! And I think Im getting a good buzz off it too.

So Jim and Joe continue to drink their new-found drink and mop-up the rest of
the spilt fuel, though by now theyre not really minding the work. The next
morning, Jim gets a phone call.

Jim: Hello?

Joe: Hey Jim, how ya feeling?

Jim: Pretty good, actually. I dont have a hangover or nuthin!

Joe: Have you gone to the bathroom yet?

Jim: No, why?

Joe: Cuz Im calling you from Australia.