Una pareja llega al cielo, y encuentra con un letrero en la entrada que decía: Hoy sólo se aceptan varones subidos en una cabra. Nota: se ingresa desnudo.

El marido tratando de ingresar a toda costa, le dice a su esposa: no creo que aquí conozcan bien a las cabras. Me montaré sobre ti y entraremos.

Así lo hacen, y tocan en la puerta celestial. San Pedro contrariado exclama: ¿pero que es esto?

El esposo responde: pues mira, vengo montado en una cabra como dice el letrero.

San Pedro replica: Por Dios, hasta ahora veo una cabra con las tetas adelante y la chiva atrás.

Un hombre blanco de complexión diminuta entra a un elevador. Adentro está un corpulento negro. El negro dice:

Dos metros 10 centímetros, 160 kilos, miembro de 60 centímetros, testículo izquierdo de 1 kilo 500 gramos, testículo derecho de 1 kilo 250 gramos. Me llamo Dante Voltta.

El blanco cae desmayado al piso. El negro se alarma y se agacha a levantarlo. Trata de reanimarlo, lo agita y finalmente recobra la conciencia.

¿Qué te pasó?

¿Qué me dijiste cuando entré?

El negro repite:

Dos metros 10 centímetros, 160 kilos, miembro de 60 centímetros, testículo izquierdo de 1 kilo 500 gramos, testículo derecho de 1 kilo 250 gramos. Me llamo Dante Voltta.

El hombre blanco dice:

¡Gracias al cielo!, pensé que habías dicho ¡DATE VUELTA!

You Are Different and Thats Bad

Dads New Wife Timothy



Pop! Goes The Hamster . . . And Other Great Microwave Games



Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets



The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad



Babar Meets the Taxidermist



Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence



The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables



Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Moms Purse



The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy



Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will



The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead



Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear

The wife says: Im not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question Whats wrong?

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: Its just that youre an idiot.

The wife says: I dont want to talk about it.
The wife means: Im still building up steam.

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

Im sorry sir, the first trooper told the driver, but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, Tacks evasion.

The old farmer was talking to his neighbor after Sunday school
and said:

I didnt realize how bored God is with baseball.
After all the preacher said, In the Big Inning,
God created the heavens and the earth…

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi
leans over and asks, So how high can you advance in your organization?
The Priest says If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop.
Well, could you get any higher than that? asks the Rabbi.
I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
might be made an Arch Bishop said the Priest a bit cautiously.
Is there any way that you might go higher than that?
If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal,
said the priest.
Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal? probed the Rabbi.
Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said I supose that I could
be elected Pope, but…
So the Rabbi says And could you be anything higher than that?, is
there any way to go up from being the Pope?
What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!
The Rabbi leaned back and said One of our boys made it.
From dpn@panda.UUCP (Rambo) Wed Aug 28 12:40:51 1985
Newsgroups: net.jokes

When I take a long time

I am slow

When my boss takes a long time

He is thorough

———————————-

When I dont do it

I am lazy

When my boss doesnt do it

He is too busy

———————————-

When I do something without being told

I am trying to be smart

When my boss does the same

That is initiative

———————————-

When I please my boss

Im ass-kissing

When my boss pleases his boss

Hes co-operating

———————————-

When I do good

My boss never remembers

When I do wrong

He never forgets

———————————-

A carpet installer was laying new living room carpeting in a large mansion.
After laboriously pulling, stretching, and tacking the carpet, he finally
finished, and gratefully sat back to enjoy a cigarette.

Reaching into his shirt pocket, however, he found that his cigarettes were gone,
and looking toward the center of the room, he saw a bulge the size of a
cigarette pack under the new carpeting. He of course had no intention of
pulling up the carpet, so instead he took a large mallet, and he pounded the
lump flat, so it could not be seen.

He then hopped in his truck and headed back to the office. On the way, he found
his cigarettes in the glove compartment.

Just then his cellular telephone rang. When he answered it, he discovered it was
the dispatcher from his office. The dispatcher said that the homeowner had just
called them in a terrible panic.

It seems their sons favorite pet hamster was missing. Had the carpet layer seen
the hamster while he was in the house?

One particular Christmas season, long ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip … but everything seemed to be going wrong. Four of his elves got sick and had to be replace with trainee elves, which slowed down the production line — so Santa was beginning to feel pressured and behind schedule early on. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to spend the holidays with them again, and that stressed out Santa even more.
It only got worse when he began to prepare for his trip. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that one of them was about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where, which meant that more elves had to be pulled off the toy line to go find them. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards came loose and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering toys everywhere. He picked them up and then spent ten minutes looking around the shop for the right size nail for the damn board, and of course he whacked himself on the thumb while pounding it into the board.
Deeply frustrated at this point, Santa figured hed better have a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey before heading out. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had drank all the liquor, whihc made Santa so angry that he slammed the coffee pot down on the table — and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mhis mother-in-law had taken it somehwere.
Just then the doorbell rang, and Santa went to answer it, cursing yet another interruption. He opened the door and there was a little angel with golden ringlets and a sparkly robe carrying a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas Santa. Isnt it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isnt it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?” Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.