There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “Youre beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “Youre cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
13
Jul
13
Jul
I need to whip it out by 5 oclock
Mind if I use your laptop?
Just stick it in my box
If I have to lick one more, Ill gag!
I want it on my desk, NOW!
HMMMMMMM … I think its out of fluid
My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish
Its any entry-level position
When you do think youll be getting off today?
And the #1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isnt …
Its not fair… I do all the work while he just sits there!
13
Jul
I dont know and I dont care!
13
Jul
There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender for a beer. He chugged it, looked into his pocket, asked for another beer. Which he chugged, then looked into his pocket, and asked for another beer. This went on for a while then the bartender finally asked, How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket? The man said, because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and Im gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough to go home.
13
Jul
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill. So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, I havent got it. The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill. The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he cant possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, I havent got it. The bartender cant believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, What, no drink for me this time? The drunk replies, You? No way! You get too violent when you drink.
12
Jul
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ooze!
Ooze who?
Ooze in charge round here!
12
Jul
Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
12
Jul
Q: If The Clintons were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents?
A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethros acquaintance in the 6th grade.
12
Jul
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. Its a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch….
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotists fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. Shit said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
12
Jul
Entra un mero macho mexicano a un bar y le ordena al barman:
¡CANTINERO, SIRVEME UN TEQUILA!
Después del trago se voltea y le dice a todos los que estaban en el bar: ¡ME CAGO EN TODOS USTEDES, MENOS EN EL ENANO ESTE QUE ESTà AQUÃ!
El enano se sorprende y no dice nada.
El tipo pide otro tequila y después de haberselo bebido repite: ¡ME CAGO EN TODOS USTEDES MENOS EN EL ENANO ESTE QUE ESTà AQUÃ!
El enano ya va poniendo cara de sobrado.
Después de 13 tequilas y el macho repitiendo la frase que venÃa diciendo, el enano estaba todo sobrado y tambén empezó a joder a la gente.
Una de las personas que se encontraba en el bar, molesto por la actitud del enano y del macho le pregúnta a éste:
¿Y POR QUÉ TE CAGAS EN TODOS NOSOTROS MENOS EN EL ENANO ÉSE?
Y responde el macho:
¡PORQUE CON EL ENANO ME LIMPIO EL CULO!