Old and New Jokes

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. Where the hell do you think youre going? he demands. Im going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. Where do you think you going? the wife asks. Im coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!

Ever notice that when you drop a buttered piece of bread, it drops butter side down? And what about cats? Cats always land on their feet, right? So, the question is, what would happen if you took a piece of buttered bread, strapped it on the back of a cat (butter side up) and dropped the cat from any local precipice? The results are obvious! The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall. Thats right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cats limbs, allowing descent. Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some
time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the
physician called the fellow into his office and said, Well, Im not
exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but weve found a cure
for them: youll have to be castrated. The man, needless to say, was
taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear
the pain.

But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the
poor fellow was driven back to the doctor. All right, I guess Ill
have the operation, he said. When it was all over, the man was
understandably depressed, and his physician told him, I recommend you
begin life anew–start over from this point.

So the man decided to take the advice and went to a mens shop for a
new set of clothes. The proprietor said, Starting with the suit,
looks like you take about a 38-regular. Thats right, exclaimed the
man, howd you know? Well, when youve been in the business
as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up,
replied the salesman. Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long.
Right again, the man said. The proprietor suggested, And for
undershorts, Id say a size 36. Theres your first mistake, the
man said, Ive worn 34s for years. No, youre a size 36 if Ive
ever seen one, said the owner. The man replied, I ought to know
what size undershorts I wear, and Ill take 34. The owner replied
Well all right, if you insist, but theyre going to pinch your balls
and give you headaches!

Charlie Neil (chn@lanl.gov)
Los Alamos National Laboratory

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A paralegal, an associate and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, I usually only grant three wishes, so Ill give each of you just one.

Me first! Me first! says the paralegal. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Brad Pitt.

Poof! Shes gone.

Me next! Me next! says the associate. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other.

Poof! Hes gone.

Youre next, the Genie says to the partner.

The partner says, I want those two back in the office after lunch.

Llega un tipo al consultorio médico:

Doctor, doctor, vengo a que me examine el tobillo porque tengo un desgarre y me duele mucho.

Muy bien, quítese la ropa.

A mí me duele el tobillo, ¿por qué tengo que desvestirme?

¿Quién es el médico, usted o yo?

Usted, doctor, le contesta quitándose la ropa.

Ahora, quítese los calzoncillos.

Pero, doctor.

¿Quién es el médico, usted o yo?

Quitándose los calzoncillos:

Usted, doctor.

El galeno le pide al paciente:

Ahora, inclínese.

El enfermo se inclina y el facultativo le mete tremenda pija; el paciente pega tremendo grito y el profesional lo reprende:

Eso que acaba de sentir es un desgarre. Lo que usted tiene en el tobillo es un esguince.

Q: What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?

A: Dam

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

The effects are fleeting and lingering… – Overheard in a hallway

In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted. – CBS reporter during the solar eclipse

A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across. – Announcer on KZOK radio

He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and thats a mouthful! – CBS baseball announcer

An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement. – Irish Politician on RTE radio

This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation. – BBC world service.

We have two incredibly credible witnesses here. – Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)

Hes going to step down til hes back on his feet. – Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggarts latest sex scandal

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ping Pong!
Ping Pong who?
Ping Pong the witch is dead….!

Larkinsons Law: All laws are basically false.