In Italy a poll was taken to determine why men get up at night. Here are the results:

10 % to raid the fridge
15 % to have a pee
75 % to go home

Saddam called President Clinton and said: Bill, I called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful and on top of every building, there was a flag.

Clinton said:Saddam, what was on the flag? Sadam said: Allah is God, God is Allah.

Clinton said: You know, Saddam, Im really glad you called because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was even more beautiful than before the war; it had been completely rebuilt. And on every building there was a flag.

Saddam said: Bill, what were on the flags?

Clinton replied: I really dont know. I cant read Hebrew!

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, One more remark like that and Ill smash your face in!

The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog.

Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.

A funny story I know comes from someones father-in-law who is a pharmacist. One of his customers complained that the capsules shed been given werent working.

Oh, he said, Youve been taking them the wrong way. You have to take them so that the green half goes in first. He said that she stopped by a week later to let him know that her medication was now working fine!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said Who owns the big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, I do… Why?

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, I just thought youd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.

Tonto said, Sure, Kemosabe and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, Who owns that big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, I do, whats wrong with him this time?

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,…. Nothin, but did you know you left your injun running?

The Lady of the manor lived on for many years after the old Lord had died. Indeed, she continued in the true blue-blooded ways to which the old Lord had always set the finest example, including maintaining their wide circle of august friends.

For this particular evening the old Lady had arranged a large dinner at the manor and of course the finest of aristocracy in the land had accepted invitations.

Unfortunately the old dear had developed a severe wind problem, shall we say. But being a pragmatist and CERTAINLY not prepared to even entertain the THOUGHT of cancelling the dinner, she summoned the butler before the first guests were due to arrive.

George, she said, You are of course aware of my WIND problem. No, no, do not hesitate, I KNOW you are! Just please do as I ask. Please see that you stand right behind me all evening, just in case I should need you.

Yes, Maam, said George.

That evening, halfway through the third course, it duly happened. The old Lady let loose with a real whopper – a roar! Immediately she turned around in her chair and said, George, will you STOP that!

And George promptly responded, Yes, Maam, if I can find out which way it went.

Youve slept with Geraldo Rivera.
Arsenio touches your knee.
Even Richard Dawson wont kiss you.
Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
Having two tampons in at the same time doesnt bother you.
The EPA comes looking for you.
You go through a Sealy ™ a week.
Frederic actually comes to your door himself … just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
When people say Ho, Ho, Ho and its July.
When you dont know Whats his name?
You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
You are the headquarters for the CDC.
Your baby looks familiar, but … like who?
When they change your # to 976.
Tetracycline is your best friend.
McDonalds calls you The Happy Meal.
It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
When youve got a Take a NUmber machine at your door.
When they call you Shazam and they dont mean the money machine!
When you get hemorrhoids on your shoulders.
When getting dresses is not part of your day.
Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.
When youre wearing more latex than spandex.
When your motto is 2 Days, 2 Pounds … $2.90.
When your ceiling mirrors fog.
When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
On the golf course, your afraid to yell Fore (four).
When the word Slalom gets you excited.
When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
When you have a neon sign saying open at night.
You want to have your name changed to Misty.
Madonna comes to you for pointers.
You start to think of yourself as Smurfette.
You havent seen your floor in a week.
When sunlight scares you.
When your favorite quote is next please.
You know all the people in Americas Most Wanted.
When Susan Sarandon envies you.
When Guinness Book starts calling.
When every song reminds you of someone … but who?
When everyone is refers to you as dear and honey.
When he doesnt even have to buy you a drink.
When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
When Holiday Inn is coming after you for their linen.
Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
The only place you havent had sex is on the moon.
When a mens prison becomes a vacation hot spot
The Big Dipper looks inviting.
When soft foods have become distasteful.
White sauce is a staple in your diet.
When the Red Cross turns their head at you.
When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
When other women begin to call you Mans Best Friend.
You and Prince have already made 3 records.
When the neighbors want you to install a drive up window.

How many Mormons Does it take to change a lightbulb?

Young Women: Only one but she has to say the theme first.

Relief Society: One to bring the doilies, ten to bring a salad or dessert, and one to change the lightbulb.

High Priests: One to change the lightbulb and one to hold the oxygen tank.

Anyone else: They change the light bulb while the ward clerk decides how much to refund them.

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to work twelve hours a day. – Robert Frost