Dear Heavenly Father,

I think youd be proud of me! So far today Ive done all right. I havent gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, havent been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. Praise Your Name! Im grateful for Your grace…

But Lord, a few minutes from now, Im getting out of bed… From then on Im going to need a lot MORE of Your help!

What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards?

She gets her ass chewed out.

I have this acquaintance who is a linguist and works with computers he recently sent me the following.

Subject: ViaVoice

From: Ted Caldwell

Her recently installed over some of IBMs ViaVoice of wear.

(I recently installed a demo version of IBMs ViaVoice software.)

Fire from. It amusing so far, sort of it possible so of its were sure others say it boat.

(I have found it quite amusing so far, so I thought Id pass on a sample of its output – or should I say input.)

With text youre reading was produced by the program from white dictation; below what is that correct version of waters for a vote

(The text you are reading was produced by the program from my dictation; below is the typed version of what I spoke.)

to be fair, IBM chose the window that you meet the right kind of microphone of the more you dream the system on your own speech, the better it will perform.

(To be fair, IBM does point out that you need the right kind of microphone, and the more you train the system on your own speech, the better it will perform.)

I have no unfulfilled. Either of these criteria. .

(I have not fulfilled either of these criteria. I doubt that I will buy the damn thing anyway.)

Her-leveraged Group of potential of support for dinner, however, given the phrases but it pulls over events which is really doing a lot of work trying to powers what you say in to willful sentence, and it often seems to fall back on a survey of new business freeze.

(I think it has great potential as a poetry generator, however, given the odd phrases that it pulls out of its lexicon. Its really doing a lot of work trying to parse what you say into a full sentence, and it often seems to fall back on certain popular business phrases.)

Better to of the most foreign firms are trying to give it to work. Words like for have a share, and meeting of the first from some of Blues for her roles driver what Hole

(Two of the most fun things are trying to get it to recognize words like fuck and shit, and reading it the first stanza of Lewis Carrolls Jabberwocky: )

the West Berlin and his lawyer the toll vehicular and Wimbledon week. All means you were to borrow it will, of mole rats of greed.

(Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

did gyre and gimble in the wabe.

All mimsy were the borogroves,

and the mome raths outgrabe.)

Have you heard about the latest sensation? Its called Rodeo Sex?

Thats when you mount your wife doggy style and in the middle of the sex act you bend over and whisper in her ear, Your sister has a tighter pussy than you, and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

A
young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the
worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high
prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming
very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, Maybe
Ill just go out and catch my own alligator so I
can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!

The shopkeeper said, By all means, be my guest. Maybe youll luck out and catch
yourself a big one!

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself
an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots
the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes
aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp
bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator
on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, Damn it, this one isnt wearing any
shoes either!

This is a very interesting psychological test. Have a pen and paper
handy before you read any further.

Read the following questions, imagining the scenes in your mind, and
write down the first thing that you visualize. Do not think
about the questions excessively. As soon as you read a question, write
the answer right away.

Make sure to answer questions 1-10 before moving on. Dont cheat, it
will take all the fun out of it.

Questions

You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. Who are you
walking with?

You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of
animal is it?

What interaction takes place between you and the animal?

You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you
is your dream house. Describe its size?

Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?

You enter the house. You walk to the dining area and see the
dining room table. Describe what you see on and around the
table.

You exit the house through the back door. Lying in the grass is a
cup. What material is the cup made of?

What do you do with the cup?

You walk to the edge of the property, where you find yourself
standing at the edge of a body of water. What type of body of water is
it?

How will you cross the water?

Analysis

This has been a relational psychology test. The answers given to the
questions have been shown to have a relevance to values and ideals
that we hold in our personal lives. The analysis follows.

The person who you are walking with is the most important person
in your life.

The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the
size of your problems.

The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is
representative of how you deal with your problems
(passive/aggressive).

The size of your dream house is representative of the size of your
ambition to resolve your problems.

No fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome
at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality.
Youd prefer people not to drop by unannounced.

If your answer did not include food, people, or flowers, then you
are generally unhappy.

The durability of the material with which the cup is made of is
representative of the perceived durability of your relationship with
the person named in number 1. For example, styrafoam, plastic, and
paper are all disposable, styrofoam, paper and glass are not durable,
and metal and plastic are durable.

Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude
towards the person in number 1.

The size of the body of water is representative of the size of
your sexual desire.

How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the
relative importance of your sex life.

The
Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was
going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer,
the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold
and that the members of the village were to collect
wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone
booth and called the National Weather Service and
asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This winter
was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief
went back to speed up his people to collect even more
wood to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service
again, "Is it going to be a VERY cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "its going
to be a very cold winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them
to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.
Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service
again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter
is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely" the man replies, "the
Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother:

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart,just like the doctor would. Except hes not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch.

This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick…. a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST!

Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go… I guess it bit her back.

Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel…

I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway.

He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasnt dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats…. they have nine lives or something.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw siss boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Mother fainted.

A: She fell out of the tree.

Yo mama in a wheelchair and says, You aint gonna puch me round no more.