Old and New Jokes

An old man and his daughter go to the doctor for his monthly checkup. During examination, the doctor asks how his nightly incontinence is. "Its fine," says the old man. "I just get up and go to the bathroom, and God turns on the light for me."The doctor finishes up the examination, and then calls in the daughter to tell her about the God-light thing."Oh, my God!" says the daughter. "Hes been using the fridge again!"

Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However,
recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs dont
emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers.

The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the
existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark
is faster than light. The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs
suck dark. Take for example the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is
less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark
sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot
have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things,
dark suckers dont last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer
suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a
primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after
the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been
sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle,
the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the
candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.

There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these cant handle all of the
dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark
storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable
dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass
generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles
present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of
through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very
dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If you
swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you
reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is
because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light
floats to the top.

The immense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage. We can collect the
dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which
generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it may be safely
stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the
rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem, and tried to
solve it. When on a river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow
of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when
they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push
the dark along its way.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in
an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the
closed door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark
is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much
easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that it is indeed
a dark sucker.

A Cork radio station (in Ireland) was running a competition – words that werent in the Dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: 96FM, whats your name?

Caller: Hi, me names Dave.

DJ: Dave, what is your word?

Caller: Goan spelt G O A N, pronounced go-an

DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct, Dave, Goan is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?

Caller: Goan fuck yourself!

At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show. After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following caller:

DJ: 96FM, whats your name?

Caller: Hi, me names Jeff.

DJ: Jeff, what is your word?

Caller: Smee spelt S M E E, pronounced smee.

DJ: We are checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff, Smee is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?

Caller: Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her
and asks, tentatively, Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a
while?

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, No, I wont sleep with
you tonight! Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks
back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles
at him and says, Im sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, Im a graduate
student in psychology and Im studying how people respond to embarrassing
situations.

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, What do you mean $200?

My friend asked me what a paradigm is and I said, Its a model. He said, That means Kathy ireland is my favorite paradigm.

Reading the Living section of the newspaper, I have discovered there is a new definition for the word urban. It now means black.

My high school was so tough that everyone thought an outline was what you draw around a dead body.

Any womans ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. Once cooking and the other cleaning.

The Atlanta zoo should name their Pandas Bill and Monica. That might encourage them to breed.

Lost Dog: Notch in left ear, left rear leg missing, tail bobbed, blind in right eye. Has been castrated. Answers to the name of Lucky.

Preachers are not put out to pasture. They have a retirement plan that is out of this world.

Oh yea, now the Boulder police think the teddy bear did it.

Theres a new cat food commercial that says if you have a cat, you live longer. Im here to tell you, it just seems longer.

Someone please remind me to never again wear a wrap skirt on a windy day.

To those women too beautiful to get a date: Im forming a support group at my place.

My boss is an idiot.

My friend was driving to the aiport and saw the sign, Airport Left. He turned around and went home.

The Republicans, drunk with power for several years, have started to sober up and are now wondering if the voters will respect them in the morning.

To the most beautiful woman: Men wont ask me out because Im fat and ugly. But at least Im not obnoxious.

Middle age: When work is a lot less fun, and fun a lot more work.

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after hed gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, Do you have a hammer?

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer.

The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, Do you have a chisel?

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, What are you doing to my wife?

Not a thing, replied old doc Carver. I cant get my instrument bag open.

If you want to know why they are called the opposite sex, express an opinion!

In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.-Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

MEGA MORON AWARDS

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, Yes Officer..thats her. Thats the lady I stole the purse from.

Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change the bulb, and 5 to take the credit when it explodes.