Old and New Jokes

The Smarter Sex?

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; its a bad one. Both
of their cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, So youre a man.
Thats interesting. Im a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! Theres
nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the
rest of our days.

Flattered, the man replied, Oh yes, I agree with you completely!

This must be a sign from God! the woman continued, and look at this,
heres another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle
of wine didnt break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune.

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it
back to the man.

The man asks, Arent you having any?

The woman replies, No. I think Ill just wait for the police…

Había una vez un chinito que todos los días tenía que enfrentar un grave problema: cuando iba a su trabajo, debía pasar frente a una casona con un gran jardín y muchos perros, los cuales al ver pasar al chinito salían a la calle y comenzaban a perseguirlo enfurecidos.

El chinito había intentado en repetidas ocasiones plantearle la queja al amo de los perros, un comerciante muy conocido de la zona, de nombre Jorge Curro, no siendo atendido jamás. Por último y desesperado por la situación, tomó una espada de gran tamaño, de ésas que usaban los guerreros chinos, y salió decidido a darle su merecido a los perros de Curro.

Cuando los perros salieron a molestarlo, el chinito desenvainó su espada con un grito de guerra; pero Curro, el amo de los animales, que estaba en la casa, llamó a sus canes con un silbido: chuit… chuit… Y los perros se metieron a la casa.

Al no ver otra alternativa, el chinito se dirigió a la comisaría a plantear su queja:

Señol comisalio, vengo a hacel una denuncia.

Sí, adelante dígame…

Vengo polque los pelos del culo me molestan…

¿Y por qué no se los corta?

Polque cuano, chinito quelel coltal pelos, el culo hache: chuit, chuit… y los pelos che van pa adentlo.

En un estadio se está celebrando la final del concurso mundial de progenitores. El graderío está abarrotado con más de 100 mil personas. El árbitro presenta a los finalistas:

El primer finalista es: Mariano, con mil hijos en toda su vida.

Y todo el público aplaude y le anima:

¡Bien, bien! ¡Bravo!

Continúa:

El segundo finalista es: Patricio, con dos mil hijos en toda su vida.

El público:

¡Bravo, bravo! ¡Viva!

Y el último finalista es: Juan…

Y la multitud grita:

¡Papi, papi!

Q: What do members of a good basketball team have in common with a roomful of men and a blonde?



A: Everybody scores!

Read each line ALOUD:



This is this cat



This is is cat



This is how cat



This is to cat



This is keep cat



This is a cat



This is dumbass cat



This is busy cat



This is for cat



This is about cat



This is forty cat



This is seconds cat





Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.

Skydiving and scuba are similar, skydivers just run out of air faster.

Support Cannibalism — Eat Me!

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant Take another drink! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, Take another drink! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, That boy should have quit while he was a head.

A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

One night a lady pregnant with triplets was walking by and a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her in the stomach three times.

Her docter told her that he couldnt perform surgery because it would be too risky.

All was well for 16 years when one of the girls came running into the room crying.

Whats wrong? asked the mother.

I was taking a pee and a bullet came out.

Its ok said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the other girl came running into the room crying, I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out?

Yes replied the girl.

Its ok said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy came running in crying, I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out. No replied the boy, I was playing with myself and shot the dog!!!!!!!!