Old and New Jokes

10. Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!
9. One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day…think about it
8. HONK if youve slept with Commander Riker!
7. Guns dont kill people…Class 2 Phasers do!
6. Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!
5. CAUTION…We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical.
4. If you can read this…dont you think youre a wee bit too close?
3. Have you hugged a Ferengi today?
2. We brake for cubes!
1. Wesley On Board!
Best Bumper sticker on Borg ship:
Blonde Borgs have the same fun.

Before Little Red Riding Hood went through the forest to see her granny, Mother warned her: There is a Wolf in the woods. Be careful and if you happen to meet him hide where you can.

So Little Red Riding Hood went through the forest. Suddenly she heard something move nearby. As she saw no place to hide she hid her face in her skirt.

As she wore no underpants, it was a magnificient view for a young hunter who appeared on the path. And he said to himself: Why not to make use of the opportunity that is offering to me?

And he began – you know what.

After a while Little Red Riding Hood dared to ask: Are you the Wolf? still hidding her face.

Of cource I am, answered the hunter.

And what are you doing? Are you eating me?

Yes, I am.

So go on, wolf. I like it very much.

What goes Vroom-screech, vroom-screech?

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

Doctor, she asks nervously, can you get pregnant from anal
intercourse?

Certainly, replies the doctor, Where do you think lawyers come
from?

-Pete Ahrens
San Francisco, California

If athletes get athletes foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbies so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why dont deaf people wear earmuffs?

Why is it that when youre driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!

The Election Is Over, The Results Are Known.

The Will Of The People Has Been Clearly Shown.

So Lets All Get Together And Let Bitterness Pass,

Ill Hug Your Elephant, And You Can Kiss My ASS!!!!!

Proof that truce is stronger than friction.

Percival Beauregard and Billy-Bob Brown were equally wealthy and were next-door neighbors. Percival was suave, sophisticated, aristocratic and Billy-Bob was common as dirt.

However, he was well aware of his shortcomings, kept a close eye on Percival and was determined not to be outdone in any way.

When he found out the name of Percivals tailor, he had his suits made there too. He soon became a member of Percivals exclusive country-club, installed an identical electronically controlled pool, bought the same type of Rolls-Royce Percival drove and had the same kind of car-phone installed.

After watching for several months, he was satisfied there wasnt anything Percival had that he didnt have too.

Cruising along in his Rolls, he spotted Percival driving in the lane ahead of him. Anxious to let Percival know he wasnt being outdone, Billy-Bob dialed his number and began chatting with him.

Suddenly, Percival interrupted him and said, Billy-Bob, would you mind holding on for a minute … my other phone is ringing.

One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt.

When the bus arrived, and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldnt get her foot high enough to reach the step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reaches back and unzipps her skirt a little.

She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reaches back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldnt reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reaches back and unzips her skirt all the way.

Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifts up her leg only to realize that she still couldnt reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrased the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus.

The girl turns around furiously and says, “How dare you touch my body that way, I dont even know you!”

Shocked, the man says, “Well, maam, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”