Old and New Jokes

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain or, having children will turn you into your parents.

Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Its as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

If you dont like the news, go out and make some.

I Brake For No Apparent Reason.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Sorry, I dont date outside my species.

I may be fat, but youre ugly – I can lose weight!

No Radio – Already Stolen

Few women admit their age, Few men act it!

I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, Reebok. She thinks thats a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement.

A bit later, his pants are off and she sees Puma tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word AIDS tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock..

Im not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!

He says, Its cool baby, in a minute its going to say ADIDAS.

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, Sweetheart, lets do the same thing we did here forty years ago.
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence and they made love like never before.
Back in the car, the guy says, Darling, you sure never moved like that forty years ago – or any time since that I can remember!
The woman says, Forty years ago that fence wasnt electrified!

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?



A: For throwing out the Ws.

Whiy is six afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine!

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
–Lorenzs Law of Mechanical Repair

Identical parts arent.
–Beachs Law

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
–Anthonys Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
— Tussmans Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
–Lowerys Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem.
–Peers Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
–Williams Law

Machines should work. People should think.
–IBMs Pollyanna Principle

The most ineffective workers shall be moved systematically to the place where they can do the least damage.
–The Dilbert Principle

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
–Ehrlichs Law

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
–Ralphs Observation

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
— Cannons Comment

The newer the carpet the greater the likelihood that the bread will land jelly side down.
— Law of inevitable consequences.

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
together.

They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were
about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed into each of
their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over
the beer and then started yelling Spit it out, spit it out, you
bastard!