Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.

A massive cold front swept across the nation this week, but its not
expected to affect the election. Says Hamilton, The Weather Channel said
the five-day forecast for Bob Dole is three days.

As you read the scroll, it vanishes…

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co- worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense.
Yo, Bob, I didnt know you were into earrings.
Oh, yeah, sure, says Bob sheepishly.
Really? How long have you been wearing one?
Ever since my wife found it in our bed.

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.The genie said, OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and Im getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about getting three. You only get one wish!The man sat and thought about it for a while. Finally, he said, Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii but Im scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?The genie laughed loudly and said, Thats impossible. Think of the monumental logistics! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of all the concrete! Think of all the steel! No, think of another wish.The man said OK, sat back down and tried to think of a really good wish.Finally, he said, Ive been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I dont care and that Im insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside. I want to know what theyre thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to know why theyre crying and know what they really want when they say nothing. Most of all, I want to know how to make them truly happy.The genie said, You want that bridge two lanes or four?

A farmer and his friend are talking, at some point in the conversation, the farmers three-legged pig walks by. The friend asks about the lame pig, and why the farmer hasnt killed it off.Well, the farmer says, that pig has helped us through a lot.. last month our house caught on fire, and he dragged me and my family to safety. Then a few days later, my boy was drowning in the lake and the pig helped him out.The farmers friend was still confused and asked, So how did the pig lose his leg?Well.. the farmer answered, a pig like that, you cant eat all at once.

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, Im tired, and its getting late. I think Ill go to bed.

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next days lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took a casserole out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowl on the table and prepared the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer.

She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.

She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.

Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails.

Hubby called, I thought you were going to bed.

Im on my way, she said. She put some water into the dogs dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.

About that time, the hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular Im going to bed. And he did.

Quoted a line from a Twin City-Valley Press story about the South Charleston Police Department receiving a grant to help it combat the DUI (Driving Under Influnece) problem:

Proceeds of the grant will be used for the purpose of placing an additional officer on the roadways while under the influence.

Q: What do a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?

A: Someone is going to lose a trailer.