Old and New Jokes

A man goes to the Doctor and says, Doctor I think my wifes been dead for two weeks!

Dead for two weeks? What makes you think that?

Well, the sex is the same but the washing is starting to build up!

She is so blonde, she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Leona!
Leona who?
Leonaly way to go!

Un marica llega a la casa de su amigo y le pide prestado el baño. Un rato después, se escucha un grito en tono de queja:

¡Ah, ah, ah!

El dueño de la casa le grita al que se está bañando:

¿Está fría el agua?

No, el tubo.

A lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods.

Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with poop, crossed her path.



Oh, my, exclaimed the lady, Come on, Ill clean you!

She took a Kleenex from her purse and cleaned the little critter.



She walked a little farther and another duck, with poop all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little bird.



Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem.

And for the third time, she acted like a Florence Nightingale.



She walked on still farther and she heard a voice from the bushes calling… Pssssst…Hey, lady!



Yes? she responded.

Do you have a Kleenex? asked the voice from the bushes.



No, not anymore, she answered.

Damn! Have ya seen any Ducks?

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.



So, he said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.



Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.



You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.



The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon, and stated Now then, Im returning $5,000, and were going to decide this case strictly on its merits.

Typical macho man marries a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, lays down the following rules:



Ill be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I dont expect any hassle from you!



I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. Ill go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and dont you give me a hard time about it! Those are my rules…any comments?



His new bride matter of factly says, No, thats fine with me.

Just understand one thing… there will be sex here at seven oclock every night – whether youre HOME or not!

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldnt control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, Give me all your money or Ill shoot, the man shouted, Thats not what I said!

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, Honey, I know weve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce. The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, I dont want you to try to talk me out of it, because Ive been having an affair with your best friend, and hes a better lover than you. Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, I want the house. Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, I want the kids too. The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until hes up to 80 mph. She says, I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too. The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, Is there anything you want? The husband says, No, Ive got everything I need right here. She asks, Whats that? The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, Ive got the airbag!

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, Where have you been?

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds. Look, Michael, look what Ive made. Archangel Michael
looked puzzled and said, What is it?

Its a planet, replied God, and Ive put Life on it. Im going to call
it Earth and its going to be a great place of balance.

Balance?, inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. For example, northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern
Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hotspot.

Over there Ive placed a continent of white people and over there is a
continent of black people, God continued, pointing to different Ê
continents.

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold
and covered in ice.

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass
and said, Whats that?

Ah, said God. Thats Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There
are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and climate. The people from Florida
are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be
found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and
high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats
and carriers of peace.

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, What about
balance, God? You said there would be balance!

God replied wisely, Wait until you see the idiots Im sending them from
the North every winter!