An older couple lay in bed, and the man, as he has done for the past 40 years, farts loudly.

The woman turns over and looks at him and says, One day you are going to fart your guts out. He nonchalantly responds, Nah.

Thanksgiving morning, only a few days later, the woman gets up early to start the dinner for that evenings festivities.

As she cleans the turkey a thought pops into her head. Still holding the turkey giblets she runs into their bedroom where her husband is still sleeping.

She gently pushes the contents of her hand into the back of her husbands underwear, then returns back to the kitchen to finish the preparations.

A few moments later she hears the usual morning fart, then a loud thump, footsteps running down the hall, and the bathroom door slamming.

She does nothing but smile knowingly, and waits for her husband to come into the kitchen.

Not long after he enters, he looks at his wife and says, Honey, you were right, I farted my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got em shoved back up in there.

What is black, blue, red, and brown?

A Brewnette that has told to many Blonde Joke.

What does a brewnette always miss at a great party?

The invitation.

Why are blonde jokes so short?

So that brewnettes can understand them.

What is a fine lookin man with a brewnette?

A hostage.

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The boy is wearing a fire fighters helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

That sure is a nice fire truck, the fire fighter says with admiration.

Thanks mister,the boy says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dogs collar and to the cats testicles.

Little partner, the fire fighter says, I dont want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cats collar, I think you could go faster.

The little boy says, Youre probably right, mister, but then I wouldnt have a siren.

A dwarf walks into a bar and he slips over a piece of shit on the floor, he walks off thinking nothing of it.

A few minutes later a huge man walks in a falls over the same piece of shit, the little dwarf shouts out

I just did that!

So the big man thumps him.

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?

The crow answered: Sure, why not.

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate him.

Management Lesson:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, sighed the turkey, but I havent got the energy.

Well, why dont you nibble on some of my droppings? replied the bull. Theyre packed with nutrients.

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, I should be Boss because I control the whole bodys responses and functions.

The feet said, We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.

The
hands said, We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet witched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson:

You dont need brains to be a Boss – any asshole will do.

Lesson Number Four

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons:

Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
And when youre in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

Youre growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and well get back you-know-when.

Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and well have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.

Im only here in spirit at the moment, but if youll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as Im here in person.

HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then were probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and cant come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably arent at home and its safe to leave us a message.

I cant come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, Im at the phone NOW, recording this message, but Im doing this NOW, while youre listening to it LATER, except for you I guess its NOW, like, when youre listening to it…I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

Hi, Im sorry I cant answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi, Im not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, We arent in, leave a message. Thats why Ive decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me…

You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in as-is condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we dont return your call, it means the machine did not work.

Hi! Jans answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and Ill stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and dont need their picture taken. If youre still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, Ill be right with you.

I cant come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I dont remember. Id appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I cant come to the phone right now because Im down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone.

Hi. Im probably home, Im just avoiding someone I dont like. Leave me a message, and if I dont call back, its you.

Hi. Im home right now, Im just screening my calls. So start talking and if youre someone I want to speak with Ill pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

This is Dan Cassidys answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after Ive doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Hello, this is Susan. I dont live here, so if you were trying to call me, youve dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I dont guarantee that one of them will call you back — only that I wont.

Hi, This is Mike. Please leave a message as soon as possible and Ill get back to you at the sound of the tone.

Were sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

I dont exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, Ill call you back when I am…

HI! Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to… I mean, do FOR you.

Q. What do the Pope and 7-UP have in common?

A. Never had it, never will.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered White House lawn and sees the words President Clinton sucks written in pee in the snow. Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesnt care what it takes but he wants to know who did this.

The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news. OK, says Clinton, give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news.

The Chief says: The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is.

Clinton nods and the Chief continues: The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore.

This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news.

The Chief of Security swallows and says, Its in Hilarys hand writing.

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.

–Bobcat Goldthwait