There were three girls: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. They were running from the cops, when they ran to a farm and hid, the cops closely on their trail.
The brunette hid with the ducks. The redhead hid with the cows. And the blonde hid with potatoes.
The cops looked in the ducks pen and the brunette said, Quack, quack, quack…
The cops then looked into the cows area and the redhead said, Moooooo…
Finally, the cops looked in the the potato patch and the blonde said, Potatoooooo…
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
90. Trash the room when your roommates not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, Uh-oh, it looks like, they, were here again.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, youll be happy. If you get a bad one, youll become a philosopher. — Socrates
This guy is sitting in his living room surfing the channels on the television. All of a sudden, the door of the apartment whips open and his girlfriend storms through. She screams, You jerk! and she heads into the bedroom. Stunned, the man flips off the television and walks toward the bedroom, wondering, Now what have I done? Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her whats up. She responds with a hiss, My therapist says that I should leave you and that youre a pedophile! The man responds, Wow, youre pretty smart for a 12 year old.
A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the waiter brings
out the bowl he has his thumb stuck in the soup, but the customer decides to
let it go.
Would you like anything else? the waiter inquires. We have some very
good beef stew today.
Sounds good, says the customer. So the waiter goes off and comes
back with a plate of stew, and his thumb is in the stew. The customer is getting
angry now, but decides to hold his tongue.
How about some hot apple pie? asks the waiter.
Fine, says the customer. The waiter returns with his thumb stuck in
the pie. Now the customer is really getting furious.
Coffee? asks the waiter, and when the customer nods yes, he hurries
off. He returns with his thumb stuck in the cup of coffee. By now the customer
can no longer restrain himself.
What the hell do you think youre doing? Every time youve come to the
table youve had your thumb stuck in my food!
Ive got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a hot,
moist place.
Why dont you just stick it up your ass?
Where do you think I put it when Im in the kitchen?
On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her
what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, Get weighed.
So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses your weight. He
looked at Rose and said, One hundred and twenty pounds. Since Rose weighed
in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.
Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe
asked Rose what she wanted to do next. Get weighed, she said. So they went
back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Roses weight correctly.
Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After
they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. I want to get
weighed! she said again.
Now Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end
the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.
Roses roommate was waiting up for her return and asked how the
evening went.
Wousy! Rose replied.
– Steve DiPirro
Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?
The barman replies, Its a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night.Great! says the man, but what if I cant reach them? Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night, the barman answers.Do you want to try?No, but thanks anyway. Why not?, asks the barman.The steaks are too high.
An Orthodox Jewish couple are wondering what to get their son for his upcoming Barmitzvah. So when he gets home, they ask him:
So, David, what would you like for your Barmitzvah?
He replied, I would love a motorbike!
When David had left the room the Jewish couple talked about this amongst themselves. They had no idea what a motorbike was! So, they went down to their synagogue and told the Orthodox Rabbi that their son wanted a motorbike for his Barmitzvah but they didnt know what it was.
I have no idea! he said to the couples surprise. Youll have to ask the Reform Rabbi down the road.
So the couple walked down the road and asked the same question to the Reform Rabbi. But his reply was the same as the Orthodox Rabbi:
I dont know! Youll have to ask the ultra-mega Reform Rabbi further down the road.
So, the couple walked further down the road and found the ultra-mega Reform synagogue. They walked inside and said to the Rabbi there:
Our son wants a motorbike for his barmitzvah but we dont know what one is…can you help us?
And the ultra-mega Reform Rabbi replied, Woah, woah, woah, slow down a bit! First things first: whats a Barmitzvah?
There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says,I chewed up all my masters shoes, and thats why Im here.
The next dog said,I peed on my masters $1,000 rug.
The next dog then comes in and says,My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!.
And thats why youre here? asked the other dogs. No, Im getting my nails clipped.
He lost his bat, man.