On the eve of his wedding night, a confused young man calls his father to ask him about his upcoming performance.
Dad, says the son, what do I do tonight? Im very nervous.
Dont worry, comforts the father. Its all very simple. Remember that thing you used to play with as a teenager? Well, you just take that and stick it where your wife pees.
So that night, the now-confident young man takes his G.I. Joe and throws it in the toilet!
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Candidate Bill Clinton: Cut taxes for middle class
President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise them
Candidate Bill Clinton: Vowed not to tamper with Social Security
President Bill Clinton: Wants to tax more SS benefits
Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed energy tax cuts
President Bill Clinton: Wants energy tax increases
Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed he had the ability to raise $45 billion by making foreign corporations pay their fair share of U.S. taxes
President Bill Clinton: Modified and lowered his figure to only $11 billion
Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed Medicare payment cut of only $4.4 billion and ran ads attacking Bush for recommending more cuts
President Bill Clinton: Wants at least $34 billion in Medicare cuts
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
A cowboy rides his horse to a saloon and kisses his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.
The bartender serves him and asks him why he did that.
I have chapped lips.
Does manure help them heal?
No, but it keeps me from licking them.
Un buen dÃa, un mexicano y un gringo estaban divirtiéndose con el Bungee-jumping. De pronto, al yanqui se le ocurre una brillante idea y le propone al mexicano:
You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico.
(Sabes, podrÃamos hacer mucho dinero con el negocio de Bungee Jumping en México).
Al mexicano no le parece mala la idea, asà que ambos sacan sus ahorros del banco y compran todo lo necesario para iniciar su business: las cuerdas elásticas, seguros, etc. Y comienzan a buscar lugares para iniciar la construcción de la torre de Bungee Jumping.
Cuando recién empiezan la construcción, obviamente, la curiosidad llama a una multitud de vecinos. Poco a poco llega más y más gente mientras ellos siguen con su trabajo. Al terminar, deciden hacer una demostración para la congregación de curiosos.
El estadounidense pide saltar primero. La cuerda se estira al máximo y regresa. El mexicano observa al norteamericano con unos ligeros cortes sobre su rostro y algunos rasguños. La algarabÃa crece entre la multitud y hasta se escucha que han organizado canciones. El mexicano intenta detener al gringo, pero falla y éste vuelve a caer. Nuevamente la cuerda se estira a su máximo y vuelve a subir. Esta vez el mexicano, asombrado, nota que el pobre yanqui tiene magulladuras y está sangrando. Con poca fortuna, esa vez tampoco lo puede detener arriba, asà que el tipo vuelve a caer. La siguiente vez, el pobre hombre regresa hecho un desastre: la ropa toda rota, sangre por todos lados, huesos rotos y semiconsciente. Sin embargo, la algarabÃa crecÃa en la base de la torre. Afortunadamente, en esa ocasión el mexicano si logra detenerlo y le pregunta desesperado:
What happened? Was the cord too long?
(¿Qué pasó? ¿La cuerda estaba muy larga?
No, no, the cord was fine. But WHAT THE HELL IS LA PIÑATA?
(No, no, la cuerda está bien, pero ¿qué diablos es la piñata?)
Greens Law of Debate: Anything is possible if you dont know what youre talking about.
NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue blocked Patriots coach Bill Parcells form
switching to the New York Jets without the permission of the Patriots.
The Jets cant win, says Jay Leno. Even their coaches get intercepted.
Patient: Doctor, Doctor everyone ignores me! Doctor: Next please.
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are
seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under
way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin
walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as
he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have
their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of
practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and
the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer
and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and
more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a
sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and
at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
the pilot: You know, one of these days the passengers arent going to
scream, and were gonna get killed!