Old and New Jokes

What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?

Ruff!

Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father areflying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I couldthrow a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: Whats the difference between an african lion and OJ Simpson?

A: An african lion is an african lion, OJ Simpson is a lyin african!

McDonnell Douglas

AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES

Important! Important!

Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. Name
Mr.
Mrs.
Ms.
Miss
Lt.
Gen.
Comrade
Classified
Other

First Name

Initial

Last Name

Latitude

Longitude

Altitude

Password, Code Name, Etc.

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

F-14 Tomcat
F-15 Eagle
F-16 Falcon
F-19A Stealth
Classified

3. Date of purchase
Month Day Year

4. Serial Number

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

Received as Gift/Aid Package

Catalog Showroom

Sleazy Arms Broker

Mail Order

Discount Store

Government Surplus

Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you
have just purchased:

Heard loud noise, looked up

Store Display

Espionage

Recommended by friend/relative/ally

Political lobbying by Manufacturer

Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

Style/Appearance

Kickback/Bribe

Recommended by salesperson

Speed/Maneuverability

Comfort/Convenience

McDonnell Douglas Reputation

Advanced Weapons Systems

Price/Value

Back-Room Politics

Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

North America

Central/South America

Aircraft Carrier

Europe

Middle East

Africa

Asia/Far East

Misc. Third-World Countries

Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to
purchase in the near future:

ProductOwnIntend to purchase
Color TV
VCR
ICBM
Killer Satellite
CD Player
Air-to-Air Missiles
Space Shuttle
Home Computer
Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all
that apply:

Communist/Socialist

Terrorist

Crazed (Islamic)

Crazed (Other)

Neutral

Democratic

Dictatorship

Corrupt (Latin American)

Corrupt (Other)

Primitive/Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

Cash

Suitcases of Cocaine

Oil Revenues

Deficit Spending

Personal Check

Credit Card

Ransom Money

Travelers Check

12. What is your occupation?

Occupation You Your spouse
Homemaker
Sales/Marketing
Revolutionary
Clerical
Mercenary
Tyrant
Middle Management
Eccentric Billionaire
Defense Minister/General
Retired
Student

13. To help us understand our Customers lifestyles, please indicate
the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:

Activity/Interest You Your Spouse
Golf
Boating/Sailing
Sabotage
Running/Jogging
Propaganda/Disinformation
Destabilizing/Overthrow
Default on Loans
Gardening
Crafts
Black Market/Smuggling
Collectibles/Collections
Watching Sports on TV
Wines
Interrogation/Torture
Household Pets
Crushing Rebellions
Espionage/Reconnaissance
Fashion Clothing
Border Disputes
Mutually Assured Destruction

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future — as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION

Marketing Department

Military Aerospace Division

Q: What nationality are you if youre going to the bathroom?

A: European

Q: And what nationality are you if someones knocking on the door while youre going?

A: Youre a Russian.

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says Sorry, you know the law, youve got to go back across the border right now.

The Mexican man pleads with them, No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, Im going to make it hard for him and says Ok, Ill let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence.

The Mexican, of course, agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, The 3 words are Green, Pink and Yellow … Now use all them in 1 sentence.

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, Hmmm, Ok … The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?

The party of the first part (herein referred to as she/her) being of sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as he/him).

1. FULL DISCLOSURE

At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the first date or match up), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further each party agrees to make known any deep-seated mother/father/brother/sister complexes and fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.

2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS

Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the matchmaker) blameless in the event the fix-up turns out to be a real loser or psycho bitch. (For definition of real loser, see John DeLorean: My Story, available at most bookstores; George Hamilton at one of Imelda Marcos parties; or any picture of Bob Guccione in Penthouse. For definition of psycho bitch, see Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, or Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.)

3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP

Should said relationship proceed past the first fix-up both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said dating: For the first thirty (30) days both parties consent to say they are going out. (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days said parties may say they are seeing somebody and may be referred to by third parties as an item. Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date either member may elect to use the terms girl/boyfriend or lover and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as a couple. Under no circumstances are the phrases my better half, the little woman, the old ball and chain, or my old man/lady acceptable. Further, if both members of the party consent, this timetable may be accelerated; however, if either party gets too serious and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of moving too fast and may once again be said to be on the market.

4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY

For the first thirty (30) days both parties agree not to ask questions about the others whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no rights or holds on the others time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be missing in action without explanation, the wounded party agrees to give up.

5. DATING ETIQUETTE

For the first thirty (30) days both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the others work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. A minimum of three (3) phone calls will be made between the two parties during the working day, and each party will attempt – with best efforts – to originate 50% of the phone calls.

Additionally, for the first two weeks all dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend, and both parties agree to strike the phrase but he/she needs me from their vocabulary.

Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt at least one spontaneous home cooked meal and will arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days both parties will return to their normal personalities.

6. TERMS OF PAYMENT

It is agreed that – respective gross income aside – he will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until:

He considers her suitably impressed,
we are broke, or
He says, this is ridiculous, you pay!.

Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.

The party of the first part (herein referred to as she/her) being of sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as he/him).

7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS

(occasionally known as the Why do I bother to keep my own apartment? codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more then five nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments.

Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Additionally, both will avoid having their mother call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to pick up after himself while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. (By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment a mess.) (Especially since we tend to excel in this area!)

8. THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD

For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like Lets move in together, Why dont we start a family? and — using archaic terminology — Lets get married. Additionally, each party agrees to love, cherish, honor, and defend the other partys right not to meet his parents.

9. THE L WORD

For the first sixty (60) days both parties agree not to use the phrase I love you. They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the G word … Gone.

10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION

Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:

Excessive use of chatty French phrases;
Ending any argument with the sentence My ex- used to do that same thing;
Suggesting, no matter how kindly, that the other member should seek help;
ending any argument with the phrase My analyst thinks you are; and
complaining more than twice about the contents of the other partys refrigerator (or lack thereof).

11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH

At the time of breakup each party reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all of the following phrases:

Youll never find anybody better;
Nobody could ever make you happy;
Ill find somebody who can really appreciate me; and
My analyst thinks you are … (Psychosis to be filled in at the proper time.)

12. MISCELLANEOUS

Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes notice before terminating said relationship;
both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the relationship appear to be on the rocks;
at the termination of said affair:

both parties agree to be mature and return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys, personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial intermediary;
each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging in sex with any of the others friends;
both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period of at least seven days (bedroom performance included), and further consent to use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup:

The timing wasnt right;
He/She wanted more than I could give;
He/She was too involved in his/her career;
He/She decided to go back with his/her

girl/boyfriend;
last lover;
hometown;
therapist.

13. ADDENDUM

After the initial breakup – no matter what – both parties agree to give the relationship one more shot.

• Barney gets a boner

   

• Barneys night with Madonna

   

• Barney, Beavis & Butthead

   

• Jurassic Barney

   

• Barney talks to the authorities about missing children

   

• Barney gets the lab results on those green spots

   

• Barney buys a rubber

   

• Barney barbeques the backyard gang

   

• Picking up the dino-doo

   

• Bopping baby bop

   

• Barneys favorite sailor songs

   

• Barney comes out of the closet

   

• Barney meets Godzilla

   

• Barney on a bender

   

• Barney has needs…

   

• Barney at Betty Ford

   

• Barney admits eating all the adults

   

• Barneys big purple one

   

• Barney buys a blow-up doll

NOTE: No one assumes responsibility for this drivel and were not even sure where it came from (rumors are that it was left on our doorstep by a large yellow bird, who ran away shouting something about that overstuffed purple bastard!).

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten. One to screw in the bulb and the other nine for crowd control.