Old and New Jokes

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What youd better have around de yard if youre going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Q: How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: (Cue typical indignant Saaaaf London accent) What ? Go all the way up there and come back empty ? You must be jokin mate !

Dos compadres terminan una kilométrica borrachera y, por miedo al enojo de sus mujeres, deciden rentar un cuarto de hotel para descansar hasta que se les baje la embriaguez. Sin embargo, solamente consiguen un cuarto con una cama donde deciden pasar la noche. A eso de las tres de la mañana le dice un compadre al otro:

Compadre, ¿no te duele la cabeza?

No, ¿por qué?

¡Porque ahí te va el resto!

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Sure, everyone wants to save the whales, but not one voice is raised

on behalf of the plankton!

-Richard Guindon

Why cant you tell blondes knock-knock jokes? Because they leave to answer the door.

Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse.

The dining room table with clutter was spread

With pedigree charts and with letters which said …

Too bad about the data for which you wrote

Sank in a storm on an ill fated boat.

Stacks of old copies of wills and the such

Were proof that my work had become much too much.

Our children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads.

And I at my table was ready to drop

From work on my album with photos to crop.

Christmas was here, and of such was my lot

That presents and goodies and toys I forgot.

Had I not been so busy with grandparents wills,

Id not have forgotten to shop for such thrills.

While others had bought gifts that would bring Christmas cheer;

Id spent time researching those birth dates and years.

While I was thus musing about my sad plight,

A strange noise on the lawn gave me such a great fright.

Away to the window I flew in a flash,

Tore open the drapes and I yanked up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear?

But an overstuffed sleigh and eight small reindeer.

Up to the housetop the reindeer they flew,

With a sleigh full of toys, and old Santa Claus too.

And then in a twinkle, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of thirty-two hoofs.

The TV antenna was no match for their horns,

And look at our roof with hoof-prints adorned.

As I drew in my head, and bumped it on the sash,

Down the cold chimney fell Santa – KER-RASH!

Dear Santa had come from the roof in a wreck,

And tracked soot on the carpet, (I could wring his short neck!)

Spotting my face, good old Santa could see

I had no Christmas spirit, youd have to agree.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work

And filled all the stockings, (I felt like a jerk).

Here was Santa, whod brought us such gladness and joy;

When Id been too busy for even one toy.

He spied my research on the table all spread

A genealogist! He cried! (My face was all red!)

Tonight Ive met many like you, Santa grinned.

As he pulled from his sack a large book he had penned.

I gazed with amazement – the cover it read

Genealogy Lines for Which You Have Plead.

I know what its like as a genealogy bug,

He said as he gave me a great Santa Hug.

While the elves make the sleighful of toys I now carry,

I do some research in the North Pole Library!

A special treat I am thus able to bring,

To genealogy folks who cant find a thing.

Now off you go to your bed for a rest,

Ill clean up the house from this genealogy mess.

As I climbed up the stairs full of gladness and glee,

I looked back at Santa whod brought much to me.

While settling in bed, I heard Santas clear whistle,

To his team which then rose like the down of a thistle

And I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight,

Family History is Fun! Merry Christmas! Goodnight!

[author unknown]

How to tell when you are spending too much time with your computer:

You start introducing yourself as lord at pacbell dot net

Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like

You check your mail. It says no new messages. So you check it again

Your phone bill is delivered in a box

You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom

All of your friends have an @ in their names

You tell the cab driver you live at http://

123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

You tell the kids they cant use the computer because Daddys got work to do and you dont have a job.

You get a tattoo that says This body best viewed with Netscape

3.01

You never have to deal with the busy signals because you never log off

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet

You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile 🙂

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer and install another phone line so that the two of you can chat

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the back button

Your computer goes down, you havent logged in for two hours. You start to tremble. You pick up the phone and dial your Internet access number. You try to mimic computer noise in order to connect.

Two gang members were hired to rub out an uncooperative union official. The pair checked his habits and learned that every evening before he dressed for the evening, he went to the neighborhood barber shop and took a shave. This occurred at exactly 6 Oclock every evening. Accordingly, the hoods decided to knock him off just before he took his shave.

The fateful night came. The pair strategically seated themselves in front of the barber shop at five-thirty and took up their vigil. At six, they put their hands on their pistols and watched the door watched the door anxiously. But the union boss didnt come.

Hell be here any minute. Be ready, said the experienced killer.

The thugs were beginning to worry, Do you think hell show? whispered the now nervous killer.

To which his anxious youthful associate answered, Gee, I hope nothing happened to him.