Old and New Jokes

A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.

Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!

Operator: Okay, sir, youre an ambulance!

Q: How many Indiana University notes users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Have you ever wondered why its so dark in Bloomington?

There was this young pirate, and he walks in to this bar, and he has a steering wheel on his crotch. The bartender looks at him and says, Hey whats that?

and the pirate says, I dunno, but Arrrrr! Its driving me nuts!

Three men crash their hot air baloon into a tree in the middle of nowhere.



After being stuck there for hours unable to get down a man walks past underneith



One of the men in the tree shouts down to the man

Ummmm….. excuse me……. where are we?



The man below replys Your in a tree

and then leaves



One man in the tree says to the other you can tell he is a lawyer.



How?



Exactly on the point but no use to anyone what so ever!

A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.

One of his buddies said, That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I cant believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects.



Well, he said,… We were married for 25 years.

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.

Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army, the general said. Nothing to it-youll catch on again fast.



Next morning promptly at eight oclock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-generals bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employers wife on her bottom and said, OK, sweetheart, its back to the village for you.

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, Keith, were in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?

Keith replied, No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?

Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!

Better save that. Well need it for the autopsy.



Someone call the janitor – were going to need a mop.



Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then whats that?



Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie.



Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?



Rats, there go the lights again…



Ya know, theres big money in kidneys. Heck, the guys got two of em.



Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!



Could you stop that thing from beating? Its throwing my concentration off!



Whats this doing here?



Thats cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!



I wish I hadnt forgotten my glasses.



Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.



Sterile, shcmeril. The floors clean, right?



Anyone see where I left that scalpel?



OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.



Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?



Dont worry. I think it is sharp enough.



Shes gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!



Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!



FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out

The bus driver said, DAMN! Thats the ugliest baby Ive EVER seen!
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. The bus driver insulted me! she fumed. The man sympathized and said, Hey! Hes a public servant and he shouldnt say things to insult the passengers. Youre right! she said. I think Ill go back up there and give him a piece of my mind. Thats a good idea, the man said. Here, let me hold your monkey.