You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
— Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps theyre too old to do it.
— Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says. My wife and I are completely equal partners, is talking about either a law firm or a hand of
bridge. — Bill Cosby

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. Theyve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
— Rita Rudner

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
— Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

— Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
— Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when shes wrong.
— Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— George Burns

Whats the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds. — Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. Its a whole different way of thinking.
— Elaine Boosler

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There was water in the carburetor. I said, Wheres the car? She said, In the lake.
— Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
— Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
— Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
— Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
— Erma Bombeck

When Ole quit farming, he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his
new little town of all Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a
problem with his barbecuing beef every Friday. Since they couldnt eat meat
on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. Hoping they
could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over
to talk to Ole. Ole, they said, since you are the only Lutheran in this
whole town and theres not a Lutheran church for many miles, we think you
should join our church and become a Catholic.

Ole thought about it for a minute and decided they were probably right.
Ole talked to the priest, and they arranged it. The big day came and the
priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Oles head and said, Ole, you
were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now, he said as he
sprinkled some incense over Oles head, now you are a Catholic!

Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday
evening at suppertime, there was again the aroma of grilled beef coming
from Oles yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they
approached the fence, they heard Ole saying to the steak: You were born a
beef, you were raised a beef, and as he sprinkled salt over the meat he
said, and now you are a fish!

During one of his many trips to London, George Burns became friends with a very
wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb. On one visit,
Hy told George that because of his large donations to charities through the
years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down.

Thats a great honor, George said. Why would you turn it down?

Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin, he said.
And I dont wish to bother studying Latin just for that.

So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldnt know the difference.

Brilliant, Hy complimented me, but what should I say?

Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of
Passover? … Why is this night different from all other nights? Can
you say that in Hebrew?

Of course, he said. Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh. Thank you, old sport,
I shall become a knight.

At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees
went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before
Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other,
and motioned for Hy to speak.

Out came Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh.

The queen turned to her husband and said, Why is this knight different
from all other knights?

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8
and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went
wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it.
Their parents were at their wits end trying to control them.

Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother
suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the
boys. The father replied, Sure, do that before I kill them!

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed,
but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the
mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he
sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at
each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and
asked, Where is God?

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all
around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, Where is
God?

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in
a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and
put his forefinger almost to the boys nose, and asked, Where is
God?

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older
brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where
they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, We are in BIIIIG
trouble.

The older boy asked, What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?

His brother replied, God is missing… and they think we did it.

In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth — if you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror. The brunette goes first."I think Im the smartest woman on earth." "POOF!" She disappears. The redhead goes up to try.p>"I think Im the prettiest woman on earth.""POOF!" She disappears. The blonde goes up."I think–""POOF!"

A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Q: What did the apple say to the orange? A: I despise you for being different from me.

A man with stomach trouble wanted to try the newly introduced automated diagnosis machine at the shopping centre. He inserted his credit card an a urine sample as instructed, waited 30 seconds and then read the printout: You have a tennis elbow.

The man was impressed, but at the same time annoyed as his arms were perfectly alright. He decided really to put the machine to the test, so he went home and collected urine samples from his wife and his cat, and for good measure added the contents of a used condom.

He returned to the machine, inserted his credit card and the combined sample.

After 30 seconds the printout read: Your cat is going to have kittens, your wife is perfectly healthy, but you should quit masturbating when you have a tennis elbow.

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.

The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.

This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctors advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that shed indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?

There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimos igloo, where he said Watch this! and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor. Not bad said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimos igloo, and he said Watch this! and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.

Wow, thats colder than mine! said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.

So they ended up at the third Eskimos igloo. He said Watch this! and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.

When it heated up enough, it went FFFAAAARRRRTTT. He won!