The distressed-looking man had downed several drinks in
rapid succession before the bartender asked him, You
trying to drown your sorrows, buddy?
You could say that, the guy replied.
It usually doesnt work, you know.
No shit, the man moaned. I cant even get My wife
anywhere near the water!
01
Aug
01
Aug
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable the food is terrible Its too hot, Its too cold and the accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney Stone, the guide said.
Unfortunately, its being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.
We cant be here tomorrow, the nasty woman shouted. We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we cant kiss the stupid stone.
Well now, the guide said, it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, youll have the same good fortune.
And I suppose youve kissed the stone, the woman scoffed.
No, maam, the irritated guide said, but Ive sat on it.
01
Aug
How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her face!
31
Jul
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, And what starting salary were you looking for?
The candidate said, In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.
The HR Person said, Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?
The Engineer sat up straight and said, Wow!!! Are you kidding?
And the HR Person said, Certainly, …but you started it.
31
Jul
Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.
31
Jul
Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, its a waste of time because the new bulb probably wont work either.
31
Jul
En aquel pueblo se acostumbraba pasear a la Virgen patrona durante la Semana Santa por todas las calles; pero existÃa una condición para aquella persona que la cargara: ésta deberÃa ser virgen.
El cura del pueblo tiene arremolinadas a todas las señoras con sus hijas, preguntándoles:
A ver, una señorita que pase al frente para que cargue a la virgen.
Todas las mujeres se dan de codazos.
Ãndale, mija, pásale, le dice una señora a su hija.
¡No, mamá, ya no soy…!, le responde compungida la chica.
Como entre aquel tumulto no habÃa ninguna señorita que pudiera cargar a la virgen comenzó a armarse un fuerte barullo. Entonces, el sacerdote se dirige a la multitud:
A ver, una señorita de allá de atrás (refiriéndose a las mujeres que se encontraban detrás del gentÃo).
En eso, sale una muchacha gritando:
¡Ah, sÃ, de atrás yo si soy virgen!
31
Jul
Un tÃo entra en una farmacia con un bebé de cinco meses en los brazos.
Buenos dÃas, ¿podrÃa darme una pomadita para el culito del bebe?
SÃ, claro. ¿Se la envuelvo?
No, no hace falta, ¡si me lo voy a follar ahà en la esquina!
31
Jul
A Newfie man goes out on the town, stops in at a bar. He spots a gorgeous looking blonde and trys to pick her up.
The blonde says sorry, Im not that way inclined and points to a gorgeous looking brunnette sitting across from her at the bar. The blonde goes on to tell the Newfie all the lovely sexual things she would like to do with the Brunette.
At this point the Newfie starts to cry and the blonde asks whats wrong with you?. The Newfie responds I think I just found out Im a Lesbian too!
31
Jul
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender if hed pay the guy $20 if he could show him the most amazing thing in his life. The bartender agrees, and the man pulls out a small white mouse and a tiny piano. The mouse starts to play old man river on the piano.
The bartender isnt quite amazed yet.
So, the man pulls out a bullfrog, who starts singing along to the mouses playing.
The bartender admits that that is the most amazing thing hes ever seen, and gives the guy his $20.
Another guy sitting next to the man sees the frog and says Wow, I will give you a thousand dollars right now for that frog!
The man agrees, and sells him the frog.
After the man who bought the frog leaves, the bartender sez, Man, you must be insane. That frog could have made you a fortune.
The man says, Not really, the mouse is a ventroliquist too.