Will the real dummy stand up!

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

I give all of these people a DUH! – DOH! – & Woo-hoo!

HANDS-DOWN WINNER OF THE IDIOT CORPORATION AWARD! AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. (Let that be a lesson to him!)

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up. (No one ever said you had to be smart to be a cop.)

NOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS PLANNED OUT WELL…NOT! An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account. (Maybe he should have pretended to have a brain!)

WHEN YOU THINK YOURE HAVING A BAD DAY…READ THIS Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month – a short in the homeowners newly installed fire prevention alarm system. This is even worse than last year, said the distraught homeowner, when someone broke in and stole my new security system… (…hmmm, could this be the Illinois guy?)

NOW THIS IS WHAT I CONSIDER A DEDICATED CROOK! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. (Wonder if he paid himself time and 1/2 for the overtime?)

I WANNA BE A BRAIN SURGEON WHEN I GROW UP! In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. (After his hospital stay, he was immediately enrolled in law school!)

FOOT IN MOUTH…UP TO THE KNEE! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldnt control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, Give me all your money or Ill shoot, the man shouted, Thats not what I said! (Turns out, the witness was Blonde and didnt pick him!)

NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Banks should keep Monopoly money on hand for these bright crooks.)

How NOT to raise livestock (mature)

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the familys only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her. How could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, Ive seen all and know the reason for your despair. However, if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the cow to you.

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it up again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right.

And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.

The young son replied, Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?

And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, Why not THIRTY times in a row?

Finally, she said, Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.

Then the young son asked, Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row wont kill you like it did the cow?

Kids… Coach talking to one of his young players

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?

The little boy nodded yes.

So, the coach continued, when a strike is called, or youre out at first, you dont argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?

Again the little boy nodded.

Good, said the coach. Now go over there and explain it to your mother.

(via Aiken Drum, Rodney & Cathy, HorridScopes)

Men & Women Of Chemistry

Poza publicata in [ Naughty ]

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)Physical properties: Solid at roomtemperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable toconduct electricity as easily as young samples.Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WOany chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomesexplosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.Usage: None known. Possibly good methanesource. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.Caution: In the absence of WO, this elementrapidly decomposes and begins to smell.Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (dont even go there!)Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremelygood catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducingagent known.Caution: Highly explosive in inexperiencedhands.

Why does the easter bunny hide the eggs?

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

Because he doesnt want anyone to know hes screwing chickens.

Politically Correct TV Shows

Poza publicata in [ Foul Language ]

Heres the last installment of politically correct TV shows coming up in the fall TV season, complete with ratings supplied by Big Brother (offensive to the politically correct, the Clintons, AIDS, Branch Davidians, etc.):

Saturday nights shows:

Robert Reichs Money World (formerly Adam Smiths Money World): Top-down income distribution programs that really work.

Ratings: S/MU, WW, ALG.

[Robert Reich is President Clintons liberal Secretary of Labor.]

Sunday Night at the Movies:

The Program: In this new version of the 1993 Disney release, a down-on-his-luck coach (James Caan) gets the best effort possible from his talented-but-cocky players in a charity badminton match to benefit pediatric AIDS. Edited for TV.

Ratings: S/MU, RPSE.

Saturday Nite Lite:

Host: Reformed comedian Andrew Nice Clay.

Skits include humorous look at rehab clinics, an adolescent Nice Clay being picked on by the school bully, Branch Davidians as victims of second-hand smoke.

Musical guest: Recovering addict Roger Clinton.

Ratings: S/MU, PCMM.

Ratings key:

S/MU: spiritual or moral uplift;

ISS: implied safe sex;

WW: win-win solution to intractable social disease or problem;

ALG: ameliorated liberal guilt;

VATCOT: violence avoided through court-ordered therapy;

PCMM: potentially contradictory moral message;

RPSE: reinforcement of positive self-esteem.

From the April 1994 issue of Reason magazine. Copyright 1994 by the Reason Foundation, 3415 S.Sepulveda Blvd., Suite 400, Los Angeles,CA 90034.

Presidential flavor

Poza publicata in [ Political ]

Top ten names for Ben & Jerrys new Presidential ice cream:

10. Impeach-Mint
9. Candy Pants
8. Hyperactive Nuts
7. Chilly Hillbilly Vanilla
6. Pantsachio
5. Subpoena Colada
4. Horny Bubba Crunch
3. Peppermint Fattie
2. Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl

And the #1 name for the new Presidential flavor…

1. Captain Cream

Terminal Lawyer

Poza publicata in [ Lawyer ]

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, You cant take it with you.

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with
him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them
directly above his bed.

His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyers wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.

Oh, that old fool, she exclaimed. I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.

Screwed to death?

Poza publicata in [ Love and marriage ]

Screwed to death?
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, What are those for?

The elderly groom replied, There are two things I cant stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber.

bunch of Insults

Poza publicata in [ Insults ]

How do you kill all the mexicans in the world?

Bomb a swap meet.
*****************************
Why do all the mexicans go to a funeral?

For the free food.
*****************************
What do you call a bunch of black people running down a hill?

A mudslide.
*****************************
Why are black people afraid of motocycles?

Because they sound like theyre saying, Run niga niga niga, run niga niga niga…
*****************************
what do you call a bunch of white people in the middle of a larger group of black people?

A Ho-Ho.
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What do you call a bunch of white people in a yellow bus?

A twinkie.
*****************************
How do white people get away with breaking the law?

They say Sorry officer. I didnt know I couldnt do that.