A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time.

The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.



All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you…

A blond decides that she needs to go shopping


As she buys 8 bottles of hair spray the man behind her asks Why buy that much hair spray


She said Your right it will go bad, but I hear it stays good for a week after it goes bad.

Your mama is so old she still ows Jesus 10 bucks

Q: What do elves learn in school?

A: The Elf-abet!

Ever wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?

If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?

Being rich and it dont mean so much . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why dont they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. Wouldnt a good response be to write . . . A Good Doctor!

The archbishop was sitting in his study, figuring a crossword puzzle.
His colleague asked, How are you doing?

Well, answered the archbishop, Ive almost finished it, but Im
stuck with just one word. Whats a four-letter word meaning a
female and ending in u-n-t?

Why, came the answer, the word is aunt.

Oh yes, thats right! replied the archbishop, Lend me your eraser.

Yo mama so fat she got her own magnetic poles.

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

This is a very smart dog, the man commented.

Not so smart, said one of the players. Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.

Three blondes died and are up talking to St.Peter. He says, “I have one question and if you get it I will let you into heaven.” He asks the first blonde, “What is Easter?”She answers, “Oh, thats that one time of the year when our whole family gets together and we eat turkey.” St. Peter just shakes his head and says to the next blonde, “What is Easter?”She answers, “Oh, that is the time of year when our family gets together and we all open presents and the fat jolly guy comes down the chimney.”Again St.Peter just shakes his head. He asks the third blonde, “What is Easter?”She says, “Oh thats when Christ died and they put him in a tomb and rolled a rock in front of it.”St. Peter smiles and urges, “Yes… go on…” The blonde continues, “Then once a year we roll the stone away and he comes out and if he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter.”

A man, selling human brains, has the rates displayed on board : Indian Brain : $100 /LB Chinese Brain : $200 /LB American Brain : $400/LB Sardar Brain : $800 /LB

A puzzled passer asks him : How come the Surd brain is so expensive and Indian brain so cheap ? The man replies : Its simple, we need to kill one Indian for one pound of brain, 8 sardars for the same amount and so on…