*** NOTE: This joke may be offensive to some.

STOP HERE if you are offended by religious jokes. ***

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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.



He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, Where is Jesus today?



Steven raised his hand and said, Hes in heaven.

Mary was called on and answered, Hes in my heart.



Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out –

I know! I know! Hes in our bathroom!!!



The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.



And Little Johnny said, Well…every morning, my father gets up,

bangs on the bathroom door, and yells –

Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?!

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and its a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priests collar and says, So youre a priest. Im a rabbi. Just look at our cars. Theres nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.

The priest replies, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.



The rabbi continues, And look at this. Heres another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didnt break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then he hands the bottle to the priest.



The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, Arent you having any?



The rabbi replies, No…I think Ill wait for the police.

Knock Knock



Whos there





See





See who





I See you pee!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Maxwell!
Maxwell who?
Maxwell call later if your not going to answer!

Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but whips and chains excite me.

A couple agreed that whoever died first would come back and inform the other about the after life. The womans biggest fear was that there was no heaven.

The husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. Mary… Mary…

Is that you Fred?

Yes, I have come back like we agreed.

Well, what is it like?

Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime.  And, then, I start all over again the next day.

Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven.

Hell no, Mary, Im a rabbit in Kansas.

Lutheran humorist the Rev. Paul Linterns Top 10 pick-up lines for a Christian:

Hi, this pew taken?
My prayers are answered.
Whats a charismatic like you doing in a mainline place like this?
How about we go over to my place for a little devotional?
Hi, angel!
Dont worry, Im attracted to you purely in a spiritual way.
Im Episcopalian. Whats YOUR sign?
I think youre sitting on my Bible.
Read any good Bible passages lately?
So, worship here often?

Taken from clari.news.religion

Copyright: 1994 by The Associated Press

Everywhere this lady went, nobody wanted to talk to her, no one ever asked her to go out. Guys came up to her and turned away. She wondered why this would happen.

So she went to her doctor and told him what was going on. She thought that maybe there was a problem with her.

The doctor told her he would give her a complete exam. He told her to undress and get up on the table, so she did.

He told her to open her mouth and he checked it. Then he asked her to get down from the table and bend over. He then said to the lady, I know what your problem is, you have zactly.

The lady then asked, What is zactly? The doctor said, Lady your mouth smells zactly like your butt!

as submitted to www.Dilbert.com

The company stock suddenly is worth something, then trading is halted before you can cash in.
Your management has just emphatically denied that any merger is currently being contemplated.
Your paycheck comes with the competitors logo.
The guy you used to yell at during trade shows is introduced as your new boss.
The address on your new business cards does not correspond to the location of the office you go to every day.
I work for the government, so merging with a competitor would probably mean storm troopers marching through the streets.
The customer service folks are told to stop telling customers that company X will cheat them on service contracts. Now theyre our service.
The owners daughter sends you an invitation to her wedding with the competitors son.
The product which your salespeople described not a long time ago as being a dangerous health hazard is now one of the leading products in your sales literature.
I got a very big raise. This makes me very paranoid. Two weeks ago, we had no money and way too much work to do. Last week, I am offered huge raise effective next month. I smell a data merge coming on.
Our URL links to their web site.
401k rollover papers on your desk Monday morning.
When someone quits to go work for a competitor, the company doesnt immediately escort him out of the building.
The resume I sent to our top competitor showed up at my present employer.
You hear about it on the morning news!

Dilbert © 1999 United Feature Syndicate, Inc.

1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife(husband).

3. I resolve to work with neglected children – my own.

4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

6. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily … well, once a week … okay, monthly then … or maybe …

7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since Im not a clock watcher.

8. When I hear Where do you want to go today? I will not reply MS Tech Support.

9. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, LOL … LOL!

10. I will read the manual … just as soon as I can find it.

11. I will think of a password other than password.

12. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning … 4:30 is much more practical.

13. I resolve … I resolve to … I resolve to, uh … I resolve to, uh, get my, er … I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!