Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, I want you to help me get a divorce.
The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.
My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.
What do you mean? asked the attorney. Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?
No, replied the woman, and neither does the little queer.
A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to a private Catholic school to rectify the situation.
Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boys grades were straight As, even in math!
Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school.
Oh, its all right, I guess, he replies.
They must be teaching you some new tricks!
Not really.
Then what do you think is making the difference in your math grades?
Well, he says, as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!
Venancio le dice a Manolo en tono solemne:
Manolo, tu mujer te engaña con otro.
¡Con otro! ¿Y cómo es él?, pregunta sorprendido.
Es moreno, alto, de barba…
Ah, es el mismo, yo pensé que en realidad me engañaba con otro, interrumpe Manolo quitándole importancia.
Two guys are walking through the forest when one of the guys trips. The other guy calls 911, the operator picks up and asks what his emergancy is. He explains his friend tripped walking through the woods and he doesnt know what to do. The operator tells him to make sure he is dead. The guy says ok and sets the phone down. he walks over to his friend and cocks his gun then shoots. he runs back to the phone and askes what do i do now?
How does a redneck mother know if her daughter has a yeast infection?
Her sons dick tastes funny.
i souport publik edekasion
The Lesson:
The Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them
around him, he taught them saying:
Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are they that mourn.
Blessed are the merciful.
Blessed are they who thirst justice.
Blessed are you when persecuted.
Blessed are you when you suffer.
Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven…
Then Simon Peter said, Do we have to write this down?
And Andrew said, Are we supposed to know this?
And James said, Will we have a test on it?
And Phillip said, What if we dont know it?
And Bartholomew said, Do we have to turn this in?
And John said, The other disciples didnt have to learn this.
And Matthew said, When do we get out of here?
And Judas said, What does this have to do with the real life?
Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus Lesson plans and
inquired of Jesus his terminal objectives in the cognitive domain…
and Jesus wept.
(Copied off one of our Bulletin Boards here at Dekalb College)
Signed (actually typed)
Joseph Murphy (aka murphyjo@dekalb)
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, And what are those?
The Aussie, fed up with the Texans bragging replies with an incredulous look,
What, dont you have any grasshoppers in Texas?
New IRS Tax Policy
GOVERNMENT NOTICE
January 1, 1995
To: All Male Taxpayers
From: IRS
RE: Notice of Increase in Tax Payment Form 1040P
The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.
Accordingly, starting January 1, 1995 your penis will be taxed according to its size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard 1040 form.
*12-10 inches –Luxury Tax –$50.00
10-8 inches –Pole Tax –$30.00
8-6 inches –Privilege Tax –$15.00
6-4 inches –Nuisance Tax –$5.00
Please Note:
-Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a full refund.
– * Males exceeding 12 inches must file for Capital Gains.
Please do not request an extension
Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Services