Aaaack (aak) interj. An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning – and you dont know where the spider is.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.



Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when youre right, but he just hasnt realized it yet.



Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit inquire.



Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but *he* made the dinner.



Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.



Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.



Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.



Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.



Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a basketball game.



Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.



Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.



Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See Magician.



Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space – if he goes in, he isnt coming out anytime soon.



Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say focus, breath push…



Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only trashy women would wear…!



Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, to go somewhere and neck. After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.



Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also tranquilizers.



Valentines Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.



Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.



Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself …anyway.

Theres these two guys out hunting in the woods and all of a sudden one of them just keels over and is lying motionless on the ground. So the other guy grabs his cell phone and dials 911. The emergency operator picks up and says, 911 emergency, please state your emergency, and the guy says, Hey, Im out here hunting with my buddie and he just keeled over, I think hes dead! Then the emergency operator says, Okay, jsut calm down. Now the first thing we need to know is if hes really dead. the guys says, Okay, hold on. the operater hears silence on the phone for a second and then she hears a loud BANG!

Then guy comes back and he says, Now what?

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant was planning a weeks vacation in Florida so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didnt quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldnt bring herself to write the word TOILET in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. Does the campground have its own B.C.? is what she actually wrote. The campground owner wasnt old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldnt figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldnt imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
"Dear Madam: I regret very much for the delay in answering your letter. I now take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. Theyre going to hold it in the basement of the B.C. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly but it is sure no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, Youre in terrific shape. Theres nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?

The 60 year old responded, Who said he was dead?

The doctor was surprised and asked, How old is he and is he very active?

The 60 year old responded, Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer.

The doctor couldnt believe it. Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?

The 60 year old responded again, Who said he was dead?

The doctor was astonished. He said, You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?

The 60 year old said, He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that, said the patient, my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again.

The doctor said, At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, Who said he wanted to?

Yo mama so old she knew Burger King when he was still a prince.

So God and Jesus are out golfing one day and they come to a particulary treacherous hole. Dog leg to the right with a lake in the middle.

Its Jesus turn to tee off and He grabs a sand wedge.

Just wait one minute, my son, God says, you cant make this hole with that club!.

Sure I can, dad, replies Jesus, I saw Arnold Palmer do this on TV the other day. This is exactly the club he used!

Ok, replied God, Go ahead and make an ass of yourself.

Well, Jesus tees off, and sure as heck it goes BLOINK, right in the water. Jesus is all embarrassed, picks up his robe, walks out across the water and reaches down to pick his ball up.

Meanwhile, theres two other golfers waiting to tee off and they saw the whole thing.

One of them walks up to God and asks, Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ or somebody?

No, replied God, He thinks hes Arnold Palmer.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main
Street.

But, officer, the man began. I can explain.

Just be quiet, snapped the officer. I am going to let you cool your heels in
jail until the chief gets back.

But, officer, I just wanted to say…

And I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, Lucky for you
the chief is at his daughters wedding. He will be in a good mood when he gets
back.

Dont count on it, answered the fellow in the cell. I am the groom.

Yo Mama is so fat that when she sleeps around the house, she sleeps AROUND the house.

Q: What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties?
A: Methylated Spirits!

Q: How many atoms in a guacamole?
A:Avocados number.

Q: What do chemists use to make guacomole?
A: Avogadros.

Free radicals have revolutionized chemistry.

These were printed on bumper stickers and given out at an American Chemical Society meeting 10 or 12 years ago: It takes alkynes to make a world.

Take plenty of the dark purple solution, Tom offered, managnimously.

This old pipe is rusty, said Tom, ironically.