Old and New Jokes

A twinkie.

One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Dont fear anything.

After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpses anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same.

After hesitating, they all did it.

Next, the professor said, you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.

BIT – A word used to describe computers, as in Our daughters computer cost quite a bit.

BOOT – What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill.

BUG – What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list.

CHIPS – The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

COPY – What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time playing games on your computer and not enough time studying.

CURSOR – What you turn into when you cant get your computer to perform, as in You %@& computer!

DISK – What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.

DUMP – The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install games on your computer.

ERROR – What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom just to look.

EXPANSION UNIT – The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.

FILE – What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her days work in 30 minutes.

FLOPPY – The condition of a constant computer users stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see CHIPS).

HARDWARE – Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you havent laid a finger on since getting your computer.

IBM – The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so youll pay attention to them again.

MENU – What youll never see again after buying a computer because youll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.

PROGRAMS – Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up.

RETURN – What lots of people do to their computers after they receive their first billing from their internet service provider.

TAB – What your friends pick up when they meet you for lunch because you spent all your money on new software.

TERMINAL – A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.

WINDOW – What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?

A: To cover up the valve stem.

Here is a sign I saw when driving into a school parking lot one day: Slow Children Playing

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most–his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, Im going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin.

The physician then said, Well, since were confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didnt put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldnt afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.

The lawyer then said, Im ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.

A blonde and a redhead were sitting together having drinks, when the blonde noticed a man walking towards them with an arm full of long stem red roses. The blonde says to the redhead, isnt that your husband coming carrying all those roses?

The redhead says, yes it is. The blonde responds by saying, Oh you are so lucky. The redhead says, No Im not. All that means is that I have to spend the whole week-end flat on my back, with my legs in the air and spread apart.

The blonde says, Oh my, dont you have a vase to put them in?

Two sailors and a nun are stranded on a desert island.After spending one one month on the island with the sailors the nun is so disgusted with their behaviour she commits suicide, after another month the sailors are so disgusted with their behaviour they bury her, after another month the sailors are so disgusted with their behaviour they dig her back up again.

Una pareja llega al cielo, y encuentra con un letrero en la entrada que decía: Hoy sólo se aceptan varones subidos en una cabra. Nota: se ingresa desnudo.

El marido tratando de ingresar a toda costa, le dice a su esposa: no creo que aquí conozcan bien a las cabras. Me montaré sobre ti y entraremos.

Así lo hacen, y tocan en la puerta celestial. San Pedro contrariado exclama: ¿pero que es esto?

El esposo responde: pues mira, vengo montado en una cabra como dice el letrero.

San Pedro replica: Por Dios, hasta ahora veo una cabra con las tetas adelante y la chiva atrás.

Un hombre blanco de complexión diminuta entra a un elevador. Adentro está un corpulento negro. El negro dice:

Dos metros 10 centímetros, 160 kilos, miembro de 60 centímetros, testículo izquierdo de 1 kilo 500 gramos, testículo derecho de 1 kilo 250 gramos. Me llamo Dante Voltta.

El blanco cae desmayado al piso. El negro se alarma y se agacha a levantarlo. Trata de reanimarlo, lo agita y finalmente recobra la conciencia.

¿Qué te pasó?

¿Qué me dijiste cuando entré?

El negro repite:

Dos metros 10 centímetros, 160 kilos, miembro de 60 centímetros, testículo izquierdo de 1 kilo 500 gramos, testículo derecho de 1 kilo 250 gramos. Me llamo Dante Voltta.

El hombre blanco dice:

¡Gracias al cielo!, pensé que habías dicho ¡DATE VUELTA!