Old and New Jokes

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause were going down the tracks.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, We dont use that kind of language in this house!! Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.

She hears the little boy continue, For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.

As the mother began to smile, the child added, For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.

Heres a list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong.

I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

Gun wounds again?

Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

A normal person wouldnt steal pituitaries.

Damn, Ill burn you into a BBQ chicken!

Take my advice, or Ill spank you without pants.

Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

Quiet or Ill blow your throat up.

You always use violence. I shouldve ordered glutinous rice chicken.

Ill fire aimlessly if you dont come out!

You daring lousy guy.

Beat him out of recognizable shape!

I have been scared shitless too much lately.

I got knife scars more than the number of your legs hair!

Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

How can you use my intestines as a gift?

This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you
will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert
floor for your aunts to eat.

Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and
can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough
extermination.

Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up
together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on
some ass of the giant lizard person.

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of school, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that year.

Whats the difference between snowmen and snowladies?

Snowballs.

A bridegroom, the first night he was in bed with his bride, said, When I solicited your chastity, if you had granted, I would not have married you.

Faith, I thought as much, said the cunning lady, but as I had been cheated two or three times before, I was determined not to be foold again!

You might be a redneck if…

You have to duct tape your gloves on.

Youve ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.

Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.

You think that Marlboro is a cologne.

Your best coat is a black and red checkered.

You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.

You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.

You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.

You cant wait for the Saturday night square dance.

You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.

Youve ever been given a gun as a present.

Flannel is your favorite color.

You or one of your relatives is named Cletus.

Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.

The make, model, and license plate number of your truck are obscured by a layer of mud.

You have got more bumper stickers than children.

Your wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge thru the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pickup, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.

You have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a pickup, particularly if it belonged to one of the family, more particularly if it was yours.

You have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to wash the dump dirt from the back of your pickup so you can use it as a flower truck.

Your clawfoot bathtub has ever been unusable because your wife was using it as a brooder.

Estaba Pepito en el salón de clases cuando entra el inspector de la Secretaría de Educación y dice a la profesora que desea observar el desarrollo de la clase, y se sienta en una silla vacía, justo ATRAS de Pepito. La profesora continúa su clase:

A ver Juanito ¿a quién se le conoce como el Padre de la Patria, iniciador de la independencia de México?

A Miguel Hidalgo, profesora.

Asi continúa haciendo preguntas y el inspector nota que la profesora omite hacer preguntas a Pepito, por lo que discretamente se lo señala con el dedo para que lo haga participar. La profesora, un poco nerviosa porque no quiere que Pepito salga con una de sus vulgaridades, le prepara cuidadosamente una pregunta:

A ver, Pepito, recuerdas la clase de ayer en la que platicamos la historia del Himno Nacional.

Claro que me acuerdo profesora.

¿Recuerdas qué le dijo el Sr. Francisco Gonzalez Bocanegra a su esposa cuando esta le pidió que él escribiera el Himno Nacional?, eso lo comentamos ayer Pepito.

Sí profesora… lo tengo en la punta de la lengua…

Mientras la profesora esperaba la respuesta, nerviosamente jugaba con un lápiz que acabó por caérsele al suelo. Al inclinarse a recogerlo mostró todos sus lindos atributos físicos. Entonces Pepito continuó…

¡Ya me acordé! El tipo ese dijo: ¡Qué buenas nalgas tienes mamacita!

La profesora, molesta por la respuesta, le pide a Pepito que salga del salón.

Pepito, muy serio, recoge sus cuadernos y libros e indignado voltea hacia el inspector y le dice:

¡Ya vez pendejo, si no sabes para que soplas!

Dick Cheney gets a call from his boss, George W. Bush

Ive got a problem, says George.

Whats the matter? asks Cheney.

Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office so I got a jigsaw puzzle, but its too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I cant find any edges.

Whats it a picture of? asks Cheney.

A big rooster, replies George.

All right, sighs Cheney, Ill come over and have a look.

So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. G.W. points at the jigsaw on his desk.

Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to the president and says, Oh, for petes sake, George – put the corn flakes back in the box.

Three nuns die and go to heaven. They are met at the pearly gates by St.
Peter, who tells them they led such good lives they will be permitted to
return to earth as anyone they want.

The first nun thinks it over and says
Id like to return as Sophia Loren.

St. Peter says Fine, you can return as Sophia Loren.

The second nun thinks and says Id like to be Gina Lollabrigida.

St. Peter says No problem, you can return as Gina Lollabrigida.

The third nun says I think Id like to be Virginia Pipeline.

St. Peter says, Hmmm, I dont think I know of anyone named Virginia
Pipeline.

At which point the third nun shows him the headline from the morning
paper: Virginia Pipeline Laid by 25 Men

Q: What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?

A: Nothing. Theyve never met.