Old and New Jokes

Below are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.

(Source: Outside Magazine)

Grand Canyon National Park…

Was this man-made?

Do you light it up at night?

I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom — where is it?

So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park…

Are the alligators real?

Are the baby alligators for sale?

Where are all the rides?

What time does the two oclock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska)…

What time do you feed the bears?

Can you show me where the yeti lives?

How often do you mow the tundra?

How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park…

Did people build this, or did Indians?

Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?

What did they worship in the kivas — their own made-up religion?

Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?

Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park…

How much of the cave is underground?

So whats in the unexplored part of the cave?

Does it ever rain in here?

How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?

So what is this — just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park…

Where are the cages for the animals?

What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?

Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park…

Does Old Faithful erupt at night?

How do you turn it on?

When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?

We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

Make them into a tire and call it a Goodyear.

Yo moma amd dady so fat in high school the teacher told them to take 3 seats because of they fatness they so fat they set next to everybody.

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

JESUS came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death. Jesus said: Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone.

An old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The young lady collapsed dead.

Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: Do you know, mother, sometimes you really p*** me off.

A very wealthy man who has three beautiful girlfriends, does not know which one
to marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000.00 and see how each of them
spends it.

The first girl goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new
clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, I
spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.

The second girl went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television,
and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, I bought these gifts for you
with the money because I love you so much.

The third girl takes the $5,000.00 and invests it in the stock market, doubles
her investment, returns the $5,000.00 to the man and reinvests the rest. She
says, I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so
much.

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women used the money he gave
to them.

Finally, he decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.

The Chemistry Teachers Coming to Town

You better not weigh
You better not heat
You better not react
Im telling you now
The Chemistry Teachers coming to town.

Hes collecting data
Hes checking it twice
Hes gonna find out
The heat of melting ice
The Chemistry Teachers coming to town.

He sees you when youre decanting
He knows when you titrate
He knows when you are safe or not
So wear goggles for goodness sake.

Oh, you better not filter
And drink your filtrate
You better not be careless and spill your precipitate.
The Chemistry Teachers coming to town.

If Cray ran Christmas…
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.

Entra un médico a la habitación del paciente y le dice a sus familiares:

Por favor, salgan de la habitación porque le vamos a introducir un supositorio al paciente.

Como a los 5 minutos sale el doctor, y uno de sus familiares le pregunta:

¿Está todo bien?

Pues sí.

¿Y ese supositorio que tiene usted en la oreja?

¡Ay, el lapicero!

En el salón de Pepito realizaron un experimento tras el cual tenían que exponer ellos sus conclusiones. Se dispuso que cuatro lombrices solitarias fueran colocadas de la siguiente manera:

La primer lombriz en un frasco con alcohol.

La segunda lombriz en un frasco con humo de cigarrillo.

La tercer lombriz en un frasco con esperma.

La cuarta lombriz en un frasco con tierra fértil.

Después de transcurrido un día, éstos fueron los resultados:

La primer lombriz: Muerta.

La segunda lombriz: Muerta.

La tercera lombriz: Muerta.

La cuarta lombriz: Viva.

Cuando la maestra les preguntó a qué conclusiones habían llegado, Pepito levanta la mano y responde:

Yo llego a la conclusión que mientras tomes, fumes y tengas sexo… ¡No tendrás lombrices!