7 things to do to when your ISP goes down



1. Dial 911 Immediately.

2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.

3. You mean theres something else to do?

4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.

5. Work.

6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.

7. Get that kidney transplant youve been putting off.

You might be a redneck if…
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

Father to son after exam: let me see your report card.

Son: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance:

1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didnt grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, Im glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations.

Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows


that Hebrews dont read from left to right, but from right to left. Now, look again, It now says: HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Gorky!
Gorky who!
Gorky will unlock the door!

Q: How many schizophreniacs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Well, he thinks its five but as we all now its only him, so…

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks hell have to replace the whole socket.

On the fourth day of their honeymoon, the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year old husband. Rather than endure yet another lovemaking session, she slipped out of the room while he was showering and went to the hotel coffee shop. The waitress, who had served the couple breakfast each day, was shocked at the womans appearance.

Honey, youre just a young thing, she remarked, but you look like hell. Whats up?

Ive been double-crossed, the miserable bride moaned. When he said hed been saving up for 50 years, I thought he meant CASH!

You might be a redneck if…

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

Your screen door has no screen.

Your biggest ambition in live is to git that big ole coon. The one what hangs round over yonder, backah Bubbas barn…

Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Your grandfather completely executes the pull my finger trick at the family reunion.

When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.

You have a house thats mobile and five cars that arent.

Your gene pool doesnt have a deep end.

En una de esas ocasiones en la que los soldados se reportan con sus superiores, el soldado Manolo informa:

Mi cabo, no cabo en la cama.

El cabo, enojado, le grita:

¡Estúpido, no se dice cabo se dice quepo!

Mi quepo, no cabo en la cama.