Estaban un francés, un alemán y un tontilandés reunidos tratando de ver cual de sus esposas era la más pendeja.

El francés:

Oui, mi esposa es la más pendeja. Ella mandó construir una alberca en la casa y ni siquiera sabe nadar.

El alemán:

No, la más pendeja es mi esposa; se compró un Mercedes y ni siquiera sabe manejar.

El de Tontilandia:

Joder, que la más pendeja es mi esposa, imagínense que se va a ir en un crucero al Caribe por una semana con 2 amigas y compró 3 cajas de condones… ¡Y ni siquiera tiene pito!

Q: What do you call two guys hanging on a wall by a window?

A: Kurt and Rod

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Possum!
Possum who?
Possum peace pipe!

No mans credit is as good as his money.

The FBI finally came back with the DNA results.

Clinton was a perfect match.

So was all of Arkansas.

A gay Jewish boy phones home, and tells his momma that he wants to go back into the closet. The reason being that he has met a wonderful girl and they are to be married.

He adds that he knows this will come as a huge relief to her, as his gay lifestyle had been a source of much distress for her.

Of course Momma is over the moon, and wants to start making wedding plans immediately!

Then after a pause, she ventures I suppose its too much to hope that the girl is also Jewish?

He replies, yes Momma, she is Jewish, and whats more, is from a very wealthy and respectable Beverly Hills family.

Momma is beside herself! And what is the name of this wonderful girl?

And the son replies,

Monica Lewinsky.

There is a looooong pause. Then Momma asks,

Whatever happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?

Seen on the back of a Japanese car:

Buy American
Fuck Quality and Price

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesmans job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.



Have you ever been a salesman before? the boss asked during his interview.



Yes, I was a salesman in Texas, the lad answered.



The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. Ill come and see how you made out after we close up, the boss said.



The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 oclock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. How many sales did you make today? the boss asked.



One, said the lad.



One? said the boss, obviously displeased. Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?



Exactly $101,334.53, said the young man.



How did you manage that? asked the boss, flabbergasted.



Well, said the lad, this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said hed probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldnt be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck.



You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook? the boss asked in astonishment.



He didnt come in to buy a fish hook, the Texas boy explained. He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, Your weekends shot. You might as well go fishing.

Two hippies were waiting at the bus stop along with a nun with her leg in
a cast. The first hippie asked Sister, how did you break you leg? I
slipped in the bathtub. The second hippie asked the first Whats a bathtub?
How should I know, Im not Catholic!

Bill Kennedy {cbosgd | ihnp4!petro | sun!texsun!rrm}!ssbn!bill

Lifes a test – and youre graded on a curve

At age 4, success is…not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is…having friends.
At age 16, success is…having a drivers license.
At age 20, success is…having sex.
At age 35, success is…having money.
At age 50, success is…having money.
At age 60, success is…having sex.
At age 70, success is…having a drivers license.
At age 75, success is…having friends.
At age 90, success is…not peeing in your pants.