Old and New Jokes

An 80-year-old man walks into a church and goes straight into the
confessional. There he hears a voice, Yes my son? Tell me your sins.

Well, Father, says the old man. I had sexual relations with a 17-year-old
girl.

Hmmm, says the Priest. Well, given todays lifestyles, and the fact that
people are having sex at a younger age these days, Im not too surprised.

But Father, Im 80 years old, says the man.

80 years old! And she is 17?! My goodness, well I guess things really have
changed these days. Just say 3 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers, and your sins
will be forgiven, replies the Priest.

I cant do that, Father, you see, Im Jewish!

Youre Jewish? Then why did you come in here to tell me this? asks the
Priest.

Because Father, Im telling everybody!

*** ON TESCOS TIRAMISU DESERT – Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)*** ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING – Product will be hot after heating*** ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON – Do not iron clothes on body*** ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE – Do not drive car or operate machinery*** ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) – Warning: may cause drowsiness*** ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE – Warning keep out of children*** ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS – For indoor or outdoor use only.*** ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR – Not to be used for the other use*** ON SAINSBURYS PEANUTS – Warning: contains nuts*** ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS – Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.*** ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW – Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands*** ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS – Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?

GUY: The word of the day is legs. Lets go back to my place so we can spread the word.

GUY: Your daddy must be a baker, because you got a nice set of buns.

GUY: Your daddy is a thief, he took the twinkle out of the stars and put it in your eyes.

A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group.


Having read the story, she gave the children a work sheet to do.


While they were working she heard a little girl say very softly damn!


The teacher leaned over and said quietly, We dont say that in school.


The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, Really? Not even when things are all f***ed up?

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.

He continued, Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

How much for a season pass?

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (Im a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car usingmy knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!

WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Three Englishmen were getting soused in a pub, when they spotted an Irishman sitting off in the corner. To have a little fun, one of them approached him.
"Did yknow that St. Patrick was a sissy?"
"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."
The man returned to his friends, complaining that it hadnt worked. The second decided to try.
"Did yknow that St. Patrick was a transvestite?"
"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."
The second man returned to his friends, amazed that it hadnt worked. The third man knew he had the solution.
"Did yknow that St. Patrick was an Englishman?"
"Oh, no. But thats what yr friends hae been trying to tell me."

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, Whats your IQ? The man replied, 130. So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, This is really cool. Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, Whats your IQ? The man responded, 120. So the robot started talking about the super bowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, Wow, this is really cool. A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, Whats your IQ? The man replied, 80. The robot then said, So, how are things in Alabama these days?

You got your tater gun hangin over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.

Youve ever entered yourself in a Howdy Doody Look-alike Contest.

Your lips move while reading a stop sign.

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

Sure, GOD says, Go right ahead.

OK, the man says. Why did you make women so pretty?

GOD says, So you would like them.

OK, the guy says. But how come you made them so beautiful?

So you would LOVE them, GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, But why did you make them such airheads?

GOD says, So they would love you!