Whats the difference between a Train and Teacher?

A train says, Chew, Chew! and a Teacher says, Spit the gum out!

Sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies

Come and listen to my story of a man named John,

A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone.

It seems one night after gettin with his wife,

She lopped off his schlong with the swipe of a knife.

(Penis, that is)

(Clean cut, Missed his nuts)

Well, the next thing you know, theres a ginsu by his side,

And Lorenas in the car takin Willie for a ride.

She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,

And tossed him out the window as she came around the bend.

(Curve, that is)

(Pricker shrubs, Wheel hubs)

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,

And they called out the hounds just to get his weanie back.

They sniffed and they barked and they pointed Over There,

To John Waynes Henry that was waving in the air.

(Found, that is)

(By a fence, Evidence)

Now Peter and John couldnt stay apart too long,

So the Dick Doc said, Hey, I can fix your Dong!

A needle and a thread is all youre gonna need.

And the whole world waited til they heard that Johnny peed.

(Whizzed, that is)

(Even seam, Straight stream)

Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,

With a cock-eyed lawyer since his assets came up short.

They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,

And his pecker was the only one they didnt show on tape.

(Video, that is)

(Unexposed, Case closed)

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

Whats that ? she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

Tennis ball, came the breathless reply.

Oh, said the girl sympathetically, that must be painful…. I had tennis elbow once.

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 to 8 inches long.
The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes.
Is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action.
It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.
In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
Anyone found listening in will most surely recognise the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements.
When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.

What am I?

As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own – toothbrush!

When a guys printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printers manual and trying the job himself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, Does your boss know that you discourage business? Actually, it is my bosss idea, the employee replied sheepishly. We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.

(heard this joke on tv last night:)

When I told my family I wanted to be a comedian when I grew up,
they all laughed at me.

Well I showed them. Nobodys laughing now.

Jim Zeek
Pyramid Technology

Reported by the Associated Press

Summerville, SC

Police have only the barest of clues to investigate a convenience store
robbery aided by a scantily clad woman.

A woman wearing only panties was accompanied by two men who robbed the
U.S. 78 store of $60 worth of beer about 5:30 a.m. Sunday, police say.

The woman walked around the store, and while the 49-year-old clerk was
focused on her, the men hauled off four cases of beer, Detective Cpl. Al
Lapolla said.

The clerk told police he thinks the men were white, but he cannot say
for sure, Lapolla said.

He told police the woman was white but he is not sure about her height
or hair color.

The parts of her anatomy he concentrated on he was able to tell us a
great deal about, Lapolla said.

Asked if the store had cameras that might have photographed the trio,
Lapolla said, Its not one of those stores, darn it.

Q: What is the Information Superhighway?

A: Its just like the internet, except:

its a lot more expensive.
you cant post and theres no killfile.
theres no alt.sex.* or alt.drugs
rec.humor.funny has a laugh track.
theres a commercial break every 10 minutes.
everything is formatted to 40 columns for TVs.
the free software costs you $2.00/megabyte to ftp, more for long distance.

A: Its just like cable TV, except:

its a lot more expensive.
the picture isnt as good.
theres 500 channels of Pay-per-View and home-shopping.
you can watch any episode of Gilligans Island or any Al Gore speech for only $2.00.
no public access channels.
theres a commercial break every 10 minutes.

A: Its just like renting videos, except:

its a lot more expensive.
theres only 1/100th as many to choose from.
no porno.
theres no pause, fast-forward, or rewind, and it costs
you another $3.95 if you want to watch twice.
theres a commercial break every 10 minutes.

A: Its just like the telephone, except:

its a lot more expensive.
theres no one to talk to.
theres a commercial break every 10 minutes.
every number is a toll call.

Sometimes true life is more humorous than the jokes that are passed around and around. The following is an excerpt from an Associated Press article by David Sharp, that appeared in The Ithaca Journal yesterday, October 16, 1999.

Y2K turns cars into carriages.

PORTLAND, Maine – State government got its first Y2K surprise months early when owners of 2000 model cars and trucks received titles identifying their new vehicles as horseless carriages.

Despite millions of dollars spent to ensure state computers are ready for the year 2000, computers in the secretary of states office got confused over the 2000 model year designation.

As a result, some new vehicle owners or lien holders got titles to horseless carriages instead of cars or trucks in April. The case demonstrates the problems that can occur when computers misread the year 2000 as the year 1900, which is what happened in the secretary of states office.

Since the computer thought the model year was 1900, the titles were printed with the horseless carriage designation used for vintage vehicles produced before 1916, said Secretary of State Dan Gwadosky, whose office oversees licensing and registration of vehicles.

About 800 passenger car titles and about 1,200 tractor-trailer titles were issued with the error, Gwadosky said.

If I were ol Santa, you know what Id do
Id dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.

Id give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old colour that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.

Id bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
Id draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till youd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.

Id remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldnt spend hours rubbing grease on your skin
Youd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells
And you wouldnt hear noises like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes
No searching for spectacles when theyre right on your nose.
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny
From a doctor who thinks youre a nervous old granny.

Youd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles wont ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, youd never look stupid
Youd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.

Id give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! Im not Santa. Im simply just me
The matronest of matrons you ever did see.

I wish I could tell you all the symptoms Ive got
But Im due at my doctors for an estrogen shot.
Even though weve grown older this wish is sincere
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.