Old and New Jokes

The new Mens Thesaurus – on sale now at your local book stores!:

IM GOING FISHING

Means: Im going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

ITS A GUY THING

Means: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?

Means: Why isnt it already on the table?

UH HUH, SURE, HONEY, OR YES, DEAR…

Means: Absolutely nothing. Its a conditioned response.

IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN

Means: I have no idea how it works.

I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. ITS JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.

Means: I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.

TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOURE WORKING TOO HARD.

Means: I cant hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

THATS INTERESTING, DEAR.

Means: Are you still talking?

YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.

Means: I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car Ive ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.

Means: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.

OH, DONT FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, ITS NO BIG DEAL.

Means: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that Im hurt.

HEY, IVE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT IM DOING.

Means: And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

I CANT FIND IT.

Means: It didnt fall into my outstretched hands, so Im completely

clueless.

WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?

Means: What did you catch me at?

I HEARD YOU.

I havent the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you dont spend the next 3 days yelling at me.

YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.

Means: I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.

YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.

Means: Please dont try on one more outfit, Im starving.

IM NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.

Means: No one will ever see us alive again.

WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.

Means: I make the messes, she cleans them up.

A habby baby.

Q: Why dont mexicans and blacks have children together?

A: Theyre afraid the kids will grow up too lazy to steal.

I read in UPI that Americas biggest plumbing maker is marketing a product that could save countless marriages. Its called the Peacekeeper – a toilet that wont flush unless the seat is down.

We saw it as an opportunity to solve a few disputes in the home, said Nancy Deptolla, spokeswoman for Kohler Co. of Kohler, Wis.

The women say, Whereve you been. Men laugh and say, My wife would appreciate that, said Carol Erwin, media director for Kohler.

My husband, my kids, and I were on vacation in a quaint resort town. There was a local there who gave carriage rides to sightseers. He had his horse parked outside the ice cream parlor as I was exiting with my husband and my four old daughter.

Now, I am embarrassed to say this, but this horse was experiencing an erection, and my daughter was fascinated.

As a bunch of tourists gathered around the horse, feeding and petting him, my daughter yelled out, Daddy! This horse has a penis – like you!

I was mortified until I noticed that the women in the crown seemed to be staring at me with envy.

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when youre out of the office?

I give it to them, replied the lawyer, and then I send them a bill.

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Why are politicians proof of reincarnation? You just cant get that screwed up in one lifetime.

You might be a redneck if you refuse to slide during a softball game because you dont want to crush your cigarettes!

There are two cows in a field. One says to the other, So what do you think of mad cow disease? The other replies, I dunno, Im a chicken.

Post a message asking how to post messages.Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly names like alt.my.butt.is.hairy.Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of Geek Code, 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP key, and your home phone in your signature.Post recipes on rec.pets.cats.Post a compendium of old articles from a thread that died months ago with a title such as ** HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES? **Post a 56-part binary MPG file of your dog throwing up to news.answers. Announce that you screwed it up and repeat.Ask readers of rec.music.misc to post their favorite Zeppelin tune for a poll.Reacquaint the readers of rec.humor with the two-strings-go-in-a-bar joke.Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesnt yet have its own sex group.Post your new War Heroes of India FAQ to soc.culture.pakistan.Start this weeks new AOL virus rumor.Post elaborate conspiracy theories to talk.politics.misc detailing how ATF agents under the control of Chelsea Clinton and Socks have implanted invisible micro chips in your genitals.Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your postmaster, and selflessly lead others to riches with a few MAKE MONEY FAST posts.Attempt to sell your sweaty underwear in alt.clothing.lingerie.Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the word imbecile in your followup flames.Ask readers of the Star Trek groups when they last had dates.Followup every post in a newsgroup ranking them on a scale from 1 to 10.Establish your own little Usenet niche by writing a Wink Martindale FAQ.Post your trig homework to sci.math and ask the readers to e-mail you the answers, since you dont read the group.Inform the readers of the sex groups that theyre going straight to hell, and then proceed to followup a variety of titillating posts.Post to alt.folklore.urban that this guy that a friend of your uncles ex-girlfri