Old and New Jokes

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. I assume, she snarled, that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six oclock in the morning?

There is. he replied, Breakfast.

He who beats his sword into a plowshare usually ends up plowing for those who kept their swords.

The language spoken in Cuba.

If you cant convince them, confuse them.

This story is well known in this country. Some say that its true.

A very tolerant woman is finally widowed. She decides to have her
husband cremated. After the ceremony, she brings the ashes home with her, and
pours them into an egg-timer. Then she says, Now youll work, you bum!!

Peter OToole,
Trinity College Dublin.

What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
They both hope to be human someday.

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses they were protecting. Feeling the heat from the police, they decided to use a deaf person for the job. That way, should he get caught, he would be unable to communicate to the police what he was doing. During his first week on the job, the deaf collector picks up over $60,000. He quickly becomes greedy, decides to keep the money and hides it in a safe place. Realizing that their collection is late, the mafia sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf man and ask him where the money is. Since the deaf collector is unable to communicate with them, they drag him to an interpreter. The mafia hood tells the interpreter, Ask him where da money is. The interpreter signs Wheres the money? to the deaf man. The deaf man signs back, I dont know what youre talking about. The interpreter says to the hood, He says he doesnt know what youre talking about. The hood takes out a pistol, places it in the deaf collectors ear and says, NOW, ask him where da money is. Again the interpreter signs, Wheres the money? The deaf man signs, The $60,000 is in Central Park. Its hidden in the fifth tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate. The interpreter turns to the hood and says, He says he still doesnt know what youre talking about and doesnt think you have the guts to pull the trigger!

(I heard this from my stepson, who says that it was running rampant
in the barracks while he was in the Army…)

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.
He went though the standard training, completed
the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and
finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The
next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

So, did you jump? the father asked.

Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the
plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for
volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out
of the plane!

Is that when you jumped? asked the father.

Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other
men one at a time and throw them out the door.

Did you jump then? asked the father.

Im getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was
the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I
was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or
hed kick my butt.

So, did you jump?

Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed
onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over
the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about
six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, Boy, are you
gonna jump or not? I said, No, sir. Im too scared. So
the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out.
I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a
baseball bat! He said, Boy, either you jump out that door, or
Im sticking this little baby up your ass.

So, did you jump? asked the father.

Well, a little, at first.

Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse to pay while the others waited at the first tee. One of the guys says, “Im so proud of my son. He is a stock broker and hes made enought that he just gave away a huge portfolio.” The next guy said, “Im so proud of my son. Hes a car dealer and hes doing so well, he just gave away a Ferrari.” The third guy says, “Im so proud of my son. Hes got enough money that he just gave away a million-dollar home.”
Just as the third guy fininshes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks, “What are you guys talking about?
“Just about how good our sons are doing,” the three men replied. “Well, my son is doing very well,” says the fourth man, “Hes a male stripper and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a million-dollar home.”

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward. The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari. The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, “Why do you want one of those, son, youre not handicapped.” The boy replied, “I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved.”