Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, Son, do you have a last request? To which the man replied, Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?

Certainly, replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?

Please, said the condemned man, kill me first.

Once upon a time NASA decided to send three astronauts to space for two years.

One was American, One was Russian and the other was English.

NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.

The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, and the Russian decided to take along cigarettes.

Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.

First came the American and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms.

Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause.

Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked Has anyone got a match?

Good evening ladies, Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.

Do you know them? Dr. Watson asked. No, Holmes replied, Ive never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed.

Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?

Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces.

The prostitute, he continued, grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth.

Amazing! Watson exclaimed. But how did you know the third was a newlywed?

Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other.

Una señora tenía ganas orinar y, como no se aguantaba más, se pone tras una esquina a hacerlo. En eso, un hombre que pasa por allí, al ver a la mujer en sus quehaceres, para no interrumpirla espera a que ésta termine para pasar, cuando oye que se tira un pedo y le reclama:

¡Señora, pero que guarra es usted!

¿Vosotros cuando meáis, no os la sacudís? Pues yo me la soplo.

Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And were here to help…



Hah Tu Spek Suthun:



BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive to borrow.

Usage: My brother bard my pickup truck.



JAWJUH – noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.

Usage: My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.



MUNTS – noun. A calendar division.

Usage: My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts.



ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.

Usage: I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.



FAR – noun. A conflagration.

Usage: If my brother from Jawjuh doesnt change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.



BAHS – noun. A supervisor.

Usage: If you dont stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!



TAR – noun. A rubber wheel.

Usage: Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesnt git a flat tar in my pickup truck.



TIRE – noun. A tall monument.

Usage: Lord willing and the creeks dont rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.



RETARD – Verb. To stop working.

Usage: My granpaw retard at age 65.



RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege.

Usage: We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.



FARN – adjective. Not local.

Usage: I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.



JU-HERE – a question.

Usage: Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?



HAZE – a contraction.

Usage: Is Bubba smart? Nah … haze ignert.



VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun.

Usage: I aint never seed New York City … view?



GUMMIT – Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.

Usage: Great … ANOTHER gummit shutdown!

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,

interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a



woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large



metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your



instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will



find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!





The man said, You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife.



The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job.





The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went



into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with



tears in his eyes. I tried, but I cant kill my wife.



The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.





Finally, it was the womans turn. She was given the same instructions to



kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,



one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and



banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and



there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said,



This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.

A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist, Gimme a chap stick.

The pharmacist asks the duck, Will that be cash or charge?
The duck replies, Just put it on my bill.

The next day, the duck goes back to the drugstore and says to the clerk, Give me a box of condoms.

The clerk says, Do you want me to also put them on your bill?
The duck says, Hell no, Im not that kind of duck!

A mathematician, applied mathematician and a statistician all apply for the same job. At the interview they are asked the question, what is 1+1. The mathematician replies, I can prove that it exists but not that it is unique. The applied mathematician after some thought replies, the answer is approximately 1.99 with an error in the region of 0.01. The statistician steps outside the room, mulls it over for several minutes, and eventually in desparation returns and inquires, so what do you want it to be?

There were 3 men: 1 white man, 1 black man, 1 mexican. They all came up to a magical bridge. There was a sign and it said jump of and wish for anything and you will turn into it. The Mexican went first and jumped of and wished for money, and he turned into a bag of money. The black man went second and jumped of and wished for a car and he turned into a car. The white man decided he didnt need anything so he walked across and tripped over a loose board fell off and said crap!

Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.