Old and New Jokes

There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the bathroom sink, and every night the mans wife would warn him that someday he would puke up his guts.

One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give him a scare. At about 3:00 a.m. the man came home and spewed in the same sink as always. About 30 minutes later, the man came out of the bathroom and said to his wife,You were right honey, I really did puke up my guts, but dont worry, with the help of this long wooden spoon, I managed to put them all back."

I just got back from a sailing holiday where I remembered this true tale
you might be interested in.

A friend was looking for a second hand boat (a Laser) to buy, when he
hit on a great idea…

At his sailing club (the Queen Mary in London) there was a large trailer
park and a smaller yard where the management put trailers and boats if
the owner didnt pay their membership for 12 months. The Queen Mary club
is very big and at the time there were three or four Lasers in this
yard that judging from their condition hadnt been sailed for at least
a year.

My friend took down the numbers of these boats and asked the club secretary
for the owners address so that he could make them an offer. The first chap
he rang said he wasnt interested in selling as he was going to sail it
himself one of these days.

He then rang the second owner who lived about 100 miles away. A woman
answered the phone and confirmed that they did still own the Laser. My
friend explained that he had seen it in the defaulters yard and that as it
clearly hadnt been sailed for a year – did she think her husband would be
interested in selling?

Oh no she said, there must be some mistake – come rain or shine my husband
spends one weekend a month in London sailing…

I bet he had some explaining to do when he got home!

There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.

She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.

She asked Dr. Chang, Doctor, please help me find out whats wrong with me!

So Dr. Chang said, Take off all yu cwothes. So she did. Then he said, Now, get on yu hands and knees and crawl weal fas away frum me, den craw weal fas back to me. So the young lady did.

Dr. Chang looked at her said, I know what wong with yu… Yu got weal bad case of Zachary disease!

The lady asked, What the heck is that?!

Dr. Chang replied, Dats wen yu face lok zachary like yur butt!

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, Ill display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what youve learned.

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford? His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, Dont tell your father, but, yes, I would.

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt? His sister looks up and says, Omigod! Definitely!

The kid goes back to his father and says, Dad, I think Ive figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores.

Never Judge a Book by its Author

—————————————————

Is O. J. Guilty?…………..Howard I. Know

Animal Illnesses…………. Ann Thrax

French Overpopulation………Francis Crowded

Fallen Underwear ………….Lucy Lastic

Downpour! ………………..Wayne Dwops

Cloning ………………….Ima Dubble

Irish Flooring ……………Lynn OLeum

I Lived in Detroit ………..Helen Earth

Inflammation, Please ………Arthur Itis

Handels Messiah ………….Ollie Luyah

House Construction ………..Bill Jerome Home

Unemployed ……………….Anita Job

Off to Market …………….Tobias A. Pigg

Holmes Does it Again ………Scott Linyard

Home Alone IV …………….Eddie Buddyhome

Lewis Carroll …………….Alison Wonderland

Leo Tolstoy ………………Warren Peace

The L. A. Lakers Breakfast …Kareem O Wheat

Neither a Borrower ………..Nora Lender Bee

The French Chef …………..Sue Flay

Tight Situation …………..Leah Tard

The Scent of a Man ………..Jim Nasium

Why Cars Stop …………….M. T. Tank

Wind in the Willows ……….Russell Ingleaves

Look Younger ……………..Fay Slift

Mountain Climbing …………Andover Hand

Its Springtime! ………….Theresa Green

No! ……………………..Kurt Reply

And Shut Up! ……………..Sid Downe

Have you ever tried to open a grilled cheese sandwich?

A former UM football player was having a hard time graduating from college after his glory years as a star defensive end. After 8 years as an undergrad, the alumni and faculty were becoming embarrased. How can we get him out of here?, they asked.

Finally, one professor came up with an idea. Lets put him in front of the student body and let them ask him one question. If he gets it right, well give him a diploma.

Everyone agreed, so they put the UM student in front of the entire student body. The student body opted to ask him the question: What is one plus one? He received his question and he thought…and thought…and finally, after 10-suspense filled seconds, he shouted Two!!.

AWWWWWW, cried the student body. Give him another chance!

Jay Leno says his automotive nightmare is to be stuck in a
toll booth line-up behind a Pinto and in front of an Audi.

Sign seen in London department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs

Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: Closed for official opening.

Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

Sign in a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Clauss sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve.

The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says, Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good Ill certify you to fly.

Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as hes starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap. Hey! Whats the shotgun for!? Santa yells.

The inspector says, Well, Santa, Im really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff.