yo mama is so fat she went on a elevator


she pressed up it went down

A guy met a girl at a nightclub and she invited him back to her place for the night. She still lived with her parents, but they were out of town, so this was the perfect opportunity.



They got back to her house and they went into her bedroom. When guy walked in the door, he noticed all sorts of fluffy toys. Theres hundreds of them; fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill – theres more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.



Later, after theyve had sex, the guy turned to her and asked, So, how was I ?



She replied, Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.

Catfish.

Herring aids

* If the enemy is in range, so are you

Incoming fire has the right of way

Dont look conspicuous; it draws fire

There is always a way

That way is always mined

Try to look uminportant; they might be low on ammo

What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank

Teamwork is essential; it gives them someone else to shoot at

If orders can be misunderstood they will be

The tank is a monument to the inaccuracy of indirect fire

Odd objects attract fire. You are odd

Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud

Mine fields are not neutral

If theyre shooting at you, its a high intensity conflict

The weight of your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it

The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack

If your attack is going well, its an ambush

Never draw fire, it irritates those around you

When you have secured an area, dont forget to tell the enemy

Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder

Friendly fire isnt

Never stand when you can sit

Never sit when you can lie down

Never stay awake when you can sleep

A grenade with a 7 second fuse will always burn in 4 seconds

The enemy never watches until you make a mistake

Whenever you are low on ammo, you can never hit anything

The more a weapon costs, the further you will have to send it to be repaired

Interchangeable parts are not

The item you need is always in short supply

The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of its operator

No combat ready group ever passes inspection

No inspection ready group ever survives combat

Peace is our profession, mass murder is just a hobby

All battles are fought at the junction of two or more maps

Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together

If you need an officer in a hurry take a nap

Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both

Tracers work both ways

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire

The effective killing radius is greater than the average soldier can throw it

Military intelligence is a contradiction of terms

A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 oclock news one evening. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump.

Ill take that bet, the blonde replied.

A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50.

No, a bets a bet, the blonde replies, I owe you $50 dollars.

The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies No, you dont understand, I saw the 3:00 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out.

Thats okay, the blonde replies, I saw it earlier too, but I didnt think hed do it again.

A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came upon this one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back Revelation 3:20 and stuck it on the back of the door. Revelation 3:20: Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.

Later in the week, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation Genesis 3:10.

Genesis 3:10: And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid myself.

Dos gañanes del barrio bravo de Tepito, en la Ciudad de México, se encuentran en la calle:

Chale mi Mai ¿por qué vienes todo madreado?

Ni te cuento, pinche Portugal, fíjate que ayer, como todas las mañanas, pos me salí a ver a quien me chingaba saliendo del cajero ¿no? En eso que veo un güerito que se notaba que acababa de sacar una feria en efe, y que le tiro una de mis famosas patadas voladoras y que la esquiva, y que le tiro un madrazo al cuello y que se agacha el muy méndigo.

Chale Portugal, ¿pos qué era karateka el güey?

¡Órale, pos yo creo que sí!

¿Pero y pos por qué estás todo madreado?

Pérate carnal, luego de esquivar mis golpes, que me agarra del brazo el muy jijo, y que me hace manita de puerco y que me pone una madriza de miedo; yo ni las manitas podía poner…

Boinas carnal ¿y luego?

Pos que me patea la cara, el cuerpo, ¡Todo! Y me puso como me ves maestro, y pa’ acabarla de chingar, ¡¡¡que me mete el pito en la boca!!!

Cámara Portugal ¡Ahí te lo hubieras chingado! ¡Se lo hubieras mordido, güey!

Chale Mai, no podía ¿sabes por qué?

¿Por qué carnal?

¡Pos porque era el mío!

* One Star Hangover



No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a huge steak and a side of gravy fries.



** Two Star Hangover No pain.



Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee/coca-cola you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a Bacon & Egg McMuffin combo (with orange juice!!!).Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is surfing the internet and writing junk e-mails.



*** Three Star Hangover Slight headache.



Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86d you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. Youve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Vs and a litre of diet coke – yet you havent peed once!



**** Four Star Hangover Life sucks.



Your head is throbbing and you cant speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that cant hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars) your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High 76.



***** Five Star Hangover AKA Dantes 4th Circle of Hell.



You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cubical Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pour and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners on your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Youd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesnt even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog/cat has just died because you look so pathetic.



You should have called in sick because, lets face it, all you can manage to do is bitch about your state -which is a mystery to you because you definitely dont remember who you were with, where you were, or what you drank. The only thing you can do is pass out. Its when you wake up a few hours later with a lesser star hangover that you eat a large pizza,an order of KFC, a ham and cheese toastie and a batch of rice krispie treats.

From Reuters News Service:

Canadas Ottawa Citizen newspaper recently printed a recipe for Chanterelle Lemon Pasta in its food section, calling for one cup of Chanterelle mushrooms. They even provided a helpful photograph so amateur mushroom hounds could find their own growing in the wild. Unfortunately, the photograph instead showed Destroying Angels, which are deadly when eaten.