Old and New Jokes

Q: What if you have *two* dead bulbs?
A: They replace your fuse box.

Todos los animales de la selva son convocados a una reunión especial para tratar el punto de la sequía en la tierra, que los estaba azotando muy fuertemente.

Queridos amigos animales, tenemos que comisionar a uno de nosotros para que hable con el Creador y le pida que nos envíe la lluvia lo antes posible. El calor es insoportable y muchos de nuestros hermanos se han enfermado por esta causa. Por favor, que levante la mano el aguerrido hermano que esté capacitado para cumplir con esta misión.

El silencio se apoderó del lugar y ninguno levantaba la mano. Entonces, la tortuga sacó la cabeza del caparazón y dijo, muy pausadamente:

Compañeros, yo iré y hablaré con el Creador.

Todos aplaudieron, y la tortuga partió a realizar su misión. Luego de tres meses, ni llovía ni la tortuga regresaba; los animales, muy preocupados, deciden reunirse nuevamente.

Queridos compañeros, tenemos que comisionar a otro de nosotros para investigar que pasó con la tortuga, ya que ha pasado mucho tiempo, y no llegan ni la lluvia ni el invierno y la tortuga tampoco regresa. En ese momento, se escucha un ruido entre los matorrales y todos se ponen atentos; de repente, muy tranquilamente, sale la tortuga diciendo:

Si siguen hablando de mí no voy.

Se está muriendo la suegra. Toda la familia se encuentra reunida alrededor de su lecho. La viejita mirando hacia la ventana:

¡Qué lindo atardecer!

El yerno dirigiéndose a la suegra:

¡No se distraiga, mamá! ¡No se distraiga!

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldnt. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, Hurry up! Its starting to rain and the top is down.

In school one day the teacher decided in science class she would teach about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said, Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?

Little Richie raised his hand and said I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche.



The teacher nodded and called on little Susie Marie.



Little Susie said I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette.



The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, I would want silicone.



The teacher said, Why Johnny?



He responded by saying, because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!

If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?

A fur coat!

How is a tornado like a redneck divorce?

– Either way youre gonna loose the trailor.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I think youd be proud of me! So far today Ive done all right. I havent gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, havent been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. Praise Your Name! Im grateful for Your grace…

But Lord, a few minutes from now, Im getting out of bed… From then on Im going to need a lot MORE of Your help!

What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards?

She gets her ass chewed out.

I have this acquaintance who is a linguist and works with computers he recently sent me the following.

Subject: ViaVoice

From: Ted Caldwell

Her recently installed over some of IBMs ViaVoice of wear.

(I recently installed a demo version of IBMs ViaVoice software.)

Fire from. It amusing so far, sort of it possible so of its were sure others say it boat.

(I have found it quite amusing so far, so I thought Id pass on a sample of its output – or should I say input.)

With text youre reading was produced by the program from white dictation; below what is that correct version of waters for a vote

(The text you are reading was produced by the program from my dictation; below is the typed version of what I spoke.)

to be fair, IBM chose the window that you meet the right kind of microphone of the more you dream the system on your own speech, the better it will perform.

(To be fair, IBM does point out that you need the right kind of microphone, and the more you train the system on your own speech, the better it will perform.)

I have no unfulfilled. Either of these criteria. .

(I have not fulfilled either of these criteria. I doubt that I will buy the damn thing anyway.)

Her-leveraged Group of potential of support for dinner, however, given the phrases but it pulls over events which is really doing a lot of work trying to powers what you say in to willful sentence, and it often seems to fall back on a survey of new business freeze.

(I think it has great potential as a poetry generator, however, given the odd phrases that it pulls out of its lexicon. Its really doing a lot of work trying to parse what you say into a full sentence, and it often seems to fall back on certain popular business phrases.)

Better to of the most foreign firms are trying to give it to work. Words like for have a share, and meeting of the first from some of Blues for her roles driver what Hole

(Two of the most fun things are trying to get it to recognize words like fuck and shit, and reading it the first stanza of Lewis Carrolls Jabberwocky: )

the West Berlin and his lawyer the toll vehicular and Wimbledon week. All means you were to borrow it will, of mole rats of greed.

(Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

did gyre and gimble in the wabe.

All mimsy were the borogroves,

and the mome raths outgrabe.)