Newly assigned officers at Norfolk Naval Air Station here in Virginia are quite often adopted by a family. One such young officer, a Lt. Commander, became an Uncle to the familys little 5 year old daughter.

One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. Aware of his rank and standing in the service, she beamed and said, We learned all about the ten commanders, Uncle Joe. Theyre always broke!

A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark. On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands. Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Then said the preacher, You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark.

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place….

The man says Whats the problem officer?

Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80.

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: Im also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didnt know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, youve known about that tail light for weeks.

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: Im also going to give you a citation for not wearing your

seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man turns to his wife and yells: Shut your damn mouth!

Officer turns to the woman and asks, Maam, does your husband talk to you like this all the time?

Wife says: No, only when hes drunk!

A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist, Gimme a chap stick.

The pharmacist asks the duck, Will that be cash or charge? The duck replies, Just put it on my bill.

The next day, the duck goes back to the drugstore and says to the clerk, Give me a box of condoms.

The clerk says, Do you want me to also put them on your bill? The duck says, Hell no, Im not that kind of duck!

Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your
apartment in the middle of the day.
You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly
like you) on a leash in your living room.
Ice floating in toilet water.
Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep.
Friends swear theyve seen your car at the local meat-processing
plant.
You can never find the leftovers.
The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The
Nature Channel.
The dog doesnt lick itself anymore… now its the cats job.
Mensa mailings addressed to Rover.
Your apartment keys no longer work.

On the lighter side of religion, here are some actual sentences found in church bulletins and newsletters:

Dont let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
Thursday night – potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and dont know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing Put Me In My Little Bed accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mother, please see the minister in his private study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with Little Drops Of Water. One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be What is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The associate minister unveiled the churchs new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.

There was an elderly couple who went to McDonalds. They ordered one cheeseburger, one large fry, one large drink, and an extra large soda. When the old couple sat down, the man sitting next to them watched the old man cut the burger in half, taking half of the fries and giving his wife half, and pouring the soda in the extra cup he ordered. The man at the next table was confused, so he went over there and told the couple that if they couldnt afford a meal for each of them, he would be happy to pay for it. The old man shook his head and told him that there was no need because he and his wife had shared everything for the last 40 years. The man went back to his seat and then he saw the old man eating while the old woman just sat there doing nothing. He went over to them again and asked the old lady why she wasnt eating.
She said, Well, its his turn to use the teeth.

There was a crew that was working in the desert. And the main guy the head honcho was like, man I need to get laid. Well the crew told them that when they need to they use the camel. The honcho thought about that and thought wow, thats not a bad idea. So nights pass and the crew kept hearing weird noises. So one night they hear the noises again and go check it out. They see the honcho on a ladder screwing the camel. The crew told the honcho we ment we use the camel to ride into town.

Whats the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?

In a casino, you really mean it!

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One has a cross in front of him. The other one the Star of David. Many people go


by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: My poor fellow, dont you understand? This is a Catholic country. People arent going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when youre sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: Moishe, look whos trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing.