Why did the chicken run onto the football field?
Because the umpire called a foul.
15
Apr
15
Apr
A new two year degree is being offered at Life University…
Becoming a Real Man!
Thats right, in just six terms, you too can be a real man.
Please take a moment to look over the program outline:
FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule
MEN 101…Combating Stupidity
MEN 102…You too can do housework
MEN 103…PMS – Learn when to keep your mouth shut
MEN 104…We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas
Winter Schedule
MEN 110…Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111…Understanding the female responses to getting in at 4 a.m.
MEN 112…Parenting: It doesnt end with conception
MEN 113…Get a life, learn to cook
Spring Schedule
MEN 120…How NOT to act like an asshole when youre wrong
MEN 121…Understanding your incompetence
MEN 122…You, the weaker sex
MEN 123…Reasons to give flowers
SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule
SEX 101…You CAN fall asleep without it
SEX 102…Morning Dilemma: If its awake, take a shower
MEN 201…How to stay awake after sex
MEN 202…How to put the toilet seat down
Winter Schedule
MEN 210…The remote control: Overcoming your dependencies
MEN 211…How NOT to act younger that your children
MEN 212…You too can be a designated driver
MEN 213…Honest – You dont look like Russel Wong – Especially naked
Spring Schedule
MEN 220…Omitting @#%! from your vocabulary
MEN 221…Fluffing the blanket after farting in not necessary
MEN 222…Real men ask for directions
MEN 223…Thirty minutes of begging is not considered foreplay
14
Apr
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords
Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.
Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.
14
Apr
Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional and employ faulty reasoning.
14
Apr
Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority deserves.
14
Apr
A young beautiful brunett French girl goes into a bar and she is
wearing this low cut black sleeveless dress.
She sits down and waves her arm at the bartenter and says Oh
bartender May I have a scotch and soda please?! (well we all know
French girls dont shave)
The regular drunk at the end of the counter says Put the pretty
ballerinas drink on my tab so the bartender does.
A little bit later The pretty girl waves her arm and says Oh
Bartender May I have another scotch and soda please
Again the regular drunk at the end of the counter says Put the pretty
ballerinas drink on my tab
and the bartender does.
Well…this goes on a few more times and then the bartender goes over
to the drunk and says
why are you buying this girl all these drinks and how do you know
shes a ballerina?
The regular drunk says well, I think shes a pretty girl, and
anybody that can
raise their leg that high has got to be a ballerina.
14
Apr
What do you call an [ethnic] guy on a bike?
– Theif.
What do you call two [ethnics] on a bike?
– Organized Crime
14
Apr
Yo mamas so hairy…
– Yo mamas so hairy, they filmed Gorillas in the Mist in her shower.
– Yo mamas so hairy, Bigfoot took a picture of her.
– Yo mamas so hairy, her armpits look like she has Don King in a head lock.
– Yo mamas so hairy, she looks like a Chia pet with a sweater on.
– Yo mamas so hairy, she has afros on her nipples.
– Yo mamas so hairy, you almost died of rug burn at birth.
– Yo mamas so hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker.
– Yo mamas so hairy, she got a trim and lost 10 pounds.
– Yo mamas so hairy, when she spreads her legs ,the first thing that comes to my mind is Were going to Bush Gardens.
14
Apr
If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven? I asked the children in my Sunday school class. NO! the children all answered. If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven? Again the answer was, NO!Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven? I asked them again. Once more they all answered, NO! Well, I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, then how can I get into heaven? A five-year-old boy shouted out, You gotta be dead!
14
Apr
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided
to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, Is this
a union house?
No, Im sorry it isnt.
Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?
The house gets $80 and the girls get $20.
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped
off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued as long as you want to draw things out,
until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, Why yes,
this is a union house.
And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?
The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.
Thats more like it! the man said. He looked around the
room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. Id like her
for the night.
Im sure you would, sir, said the madame, gesturing to a
fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, but Ethel here has seniority.