Old and New Jokes

A: No blondes.

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How do you get the Keep off the Grass sign on the grass?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you know when youve run out of invisible ink?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it considered a ham-hock?

If a turtle lost his shell, is he homeless or naked?

If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why dont deaf people wear earmuffs?

If corn oil is made from corn, where do we get baby oil from?

If I save time, when do I get it back?

If rabbits feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?

If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?

In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth…

He was then faced with a class action lawsuit for failing to file an
environmental impact statement from HEPA (Heavenly Environmental
Protection Agency), an angelically staffed agency dedicated to keeping
the universe pollution free.

God was granted a temporary permit for the heavenly portion of the
project, but was issued a cease and desist order on the Earthly
portion of the project, pending further investigation by HEPA. Upon
completion of His construction permit and environmental impact
statement, God appeared before HEPA council to answer some questions.
When asked why He began these projects in the first place, He simply
replied that He liked to be creative. This was not considered an
adequate reason and He was required to substantiate this further.

HEPA was unable to see any practical use for Earth anyway, since The
Earth was void and empty and darkness was on the face of the deep.

Then God said, Let there be Light.

He should never have brought up this point, since one member of the
Council was active in the Sierrangel Club and immediately protested,
asking how the Light was to be made. Would there be strip mining? Air
Pollution? God explained that the Light would come from a huge ball of
fire.

Nobody on the council really understood this, but it was provisionally
accepted, assuming 1) that there would be no smog or smoke resulting
from the burning; 2) a separate burning permit would be required; and
3) since continuous light would be a waste of energy, it should be
dark half of the time. So God agreed to divide the Light and the
Darkness and He would call the Light Day and the Darkness Night. (The
Council expressed no interest in in-house semantics.)

When asked how the Earth would be covered, God said, Let there be
firmament made amidst the waters; and let it divide the waters from
the waters.

One ecologically radical Council member accused Him of double talk,
but the Council tabled action since God would have to first file for a
permit from the ABLM (Angelic Bureau of Land Management) and further
would be required to obtain water permits from the appropriate
agencies involved.

The council asked if there would only be water and firmament, and God
said, Let the Earth bring forth the green herb, and such as may seed,
and the fruit tree yielding after its own kind, which may have seen
itself upon the Earth. The Council agreed as long as native seed
would be used.

About future development God also said, Let the waters bring forth
the creeping creature having life, and the fowl that may fly over the
Earth. Here again, the Council took no formal action since this would
require approval of the Fish and Game Commission coordinated with the
Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audobonangelic Society.

It then appeared the everything was in order until God stated that He
wanted to complete the project in six days. At this time He was
advised by the Council that his timing was completely out of the
question… HEPA would require a minimum of 180 days to review the
application and environmental impact statement, and then there would
be public hearings. It would take 10 to 12 months before a permit
would be granted.

God said, To Hell with it!

In an effort to snag more long distance telephone calls (charged to a credit
card or a third number), AT&T reserved the toll-free number 1-800-OPERATOR.
Not to be outdone, and perhaps knowing the public better, MCI reserved the
number 1-800-OPERATER and has been scooping up calls intended for its
arch-rival.

Q: How are a vending machine and Monica Lewinsky alike?

A: Insert Bill here.

What does a blonde do when her computer freezes?

She sticks it in the microwave!

Dos homosexuales se casan y se van en viaje de luna de miel en un avión en vuelo nocturno.

Al anochecer, la azafata les entrega a los pasajeros mantas y almohadas, les desea buenas noches y apaga la luz. En la oscuridad, uno de los maricones se empieza a calentar y le sugiere a su pareja hacer el amor. El otro se niega porque cree que los pueden pillar.

El que estaba más caliente le propone levantarse y hablar en voz alta para asegurarse de que todos están durmiendo. Así es que se levante y dice en voz alta:

¡Alguien tiene fósforos…!

Tras repetir en tres ocasiones el pedido y como nadie contesta, los maricones empiezan a hacer el amor desaforadamente.

A la mañana siguiente, la azafata les da los buenos días y retira las mantas y almohadas. Un viejito la llama susurrando:

…señorita, ¿puede darme una coca-cola?

La azafata le pregunta el porqué habla tan bajito.

Resulta que anoche a alguien se le ocurrió pedir fósforos en voz alta ¡y se lo fornicaron toda la noche!

Cierto día, un borracho consuetudinario regresa de una fiesta de pueblo, de esas que demoran casi una semana. Como no traía ni un solo peso en el bolsillo, decide caminar hasta su casa. A medio camino le dan ganas de orinar, así que saca su miembro y empieza a mear; al mirar hacia abajo, ve que hay un hormiguero y dirige el chorro hacia el agujero. De pronto, ¡zas!, se aparece un genio diciendo:

¡Amo, por haberme sacado del hoyo tienes derecho a un deseo!

¿Un deseo, el que yo quiera? ¡Hummm, ya sé, quiero orinar whisky Old Parr!

¡Tu deseo será concedido!

Y desaparece.

Al cabo de un rato, el tipo orina sobre su mano que utiliza como receptáculo y prueba el líquido.

¡Guau, oriné Old Parr, esto hay que festejarlo!

Llega a su casa corriendo:

¡Mi amor, mi amor, te tengo una buena noticia: orino Old Parr!

La esposa prueba de la mano del borracho y exclama:

¡Es cierto, esto hay que festejarlo, voy a buscar dos vasos!

Mi amor, mi amor, trae un solo vaso, porque lo eres tú te lo metes a pico de botella.

Q. What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel balls?

A. Sparky!

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the



richest people in America. If Im not there, I go to work.