Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Anthony!
Anthony who!
Anthony you want!

Michael Jackson and Arnold Schwarzenegger are in an airplane. There are lots of kids on the plane with them.

Suddenly an engine catches fire. The plane is going to crash. Realising this, Arnie and Michael grab the only two parachutes on the plane.



What about the kids? asks Michael



F**k the kids Arnie replies



Michael thinks for a moment and says



Do you think we have time?

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Zero. He only screws interns.

1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beachfront property
2. Amusing town names like Flin Flon and Winnipeg
3. All your local bands make it big and move to Toronto
4. The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal government
5. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes
6. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter
7. You dont need a car, just take the canoe to work
8. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood
9. Because of your license plate, you are still friendly even when you cut someone off
10. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day.

When he arrived, they didnt have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.

A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again.

The clerk asked, Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?

He said, Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But Ill be damned if that gynecologist didnt stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!

The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well

behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of

the club was a little leery of this. When the Recreational Director

said: If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let

them in? The General Director agreed.

The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director

shouted: Stand up, nuts! Everyone stood up. Sit down, nuts!

Everyone sat down. Look behind you, nuts! Everyone turned around.

Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the third

inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were running

helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that someone had

called out: Peanuts!

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I dont have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? –Age 15 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. –Age 13 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the presidents birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. –Age 8 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. –Age 10 Home is where the house is. –Age 6 I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. –Age 13 I often wonder how come John Tesh isnt as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember its because he sucks. –Age 15 For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. Thats what happens to cheese when you leave it out. –Age 6 My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth–that most of us go to hell and burn eternally –but I didnt want to upset him. –Age 10 I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over ones right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. –Age 15 When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. –Age 5 I once heard the voice of God. It said Vrrrrmmmmm. Unless it was just a lawn mower. –Age 11 I dont know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. –Age 13 I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that Ive found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure dont have a sense of humor. –Age 14 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, youll have a couple of days saved up. –Age 7 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. –Age 15 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. –Age 5 Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, thats five more than the biggest number you could come up with! –Age 6 The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe Dont you think it is about time you audited my return? or Isnt it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding? –Age 15 Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, its not like he really needed them, right? –Age 15 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. –Age 15

Q: What is the diffrence between a smart blonde and bigfoot?

A: Bigfoot has been seen.

10. No, please, Data, go on. I find your list of synonyms for extinct facinating…

9. Good work, Counsellor. If you hadnt told us those aliens had hostile intent, we would have been completely fooled by their plan.

8. Jean-Luc, since the ship is in no danger at all and were not about to die, I want to tell you…

7. The…doohickey…has gone all…funny, making that gizmo light up…the one that means the warp engines are…ya know…all messed up.

6. Captains Log, Stardate…damn. Whats the date? Number One, whats today? No, I know its Tuesday, whats the date? The STARdate!

5. Tea, Lemon Zinger, iced.

4. Klingons do NOT wear frilly underwear…at least not on duty.

3. Prime Directive? We dont need no steenkin Prime Directive!

2. The aliens are locking their weapons on us…firing…a miss. Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can laugh in their faces?

1. Ah, hell, Im bored. Screw the hailing frequencies, fire at will.

Q: What do lawyers use as a contraceptive?

A: Their personality.