Old and New Jokes

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks its a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing!

. . . On the road again, just cant wait to get on the road again….

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. Look! he says, and pulls the cork out again, . . . On the road again . . .

The M.A. is totally unimpressed…So what? he says.

Isnt that the most amazing thing youve ever seen?, the guy asked. Are you kidding? says the M.A. Any asshole can sing country music!

Un borracho está tratando de abrir la puerta de su casa, cuando llega un policía quien le pregunta con voz enérgica:

¿Qué está Ud. haciendo?

El hombre voltea sobresaltado y balbucea:

Aquí, poli, tratando de abrir mi casa, hip.

Se acerca el agente con una lámpara e inquiere:

¿Con un supositorio?

Entonces, ¿qué le hice a la llave?, se espanta el borrachín.

Q: What are Mike Tysons favorite words?

A: Lets take a bite out of Crime!!

32. If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis

A device that permits
us to lose several keys at one time.

Yo mama so ugly she could scare Osama Bin Laden out of hiding.

One day, Jesus and the Devil were both working on their
computers. Jesus was typing away. The Devil was typing
away. Suddenly a huge blackout filled heaven and hell.
When the lights came back on, Jesus picked up right where
he left off, but the Devils screen was black. Satan says,
How could this happen? I did everything Jesus did!
Then one person in Hell says, No, Jesus Saves.

You might be a redneck if…
You own a homemade fur coat.

A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are

peeling and flaking off, and hes very concerned about grossing out

the other fans.

The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his

grotesque appearance wont disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man

in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.

The man answers, Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.

The leper sits down and adds, As you can see, I have leprosy. If

it disturbs you, I will move.

It doesnt bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game.

A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits.

Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, Thank you for allowing

me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused

you to get sick. I will find another place to sit.

Its NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.

So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the mans mouth and nose until is stomach is completely emptied.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, Thank you for allowing

me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused

you to get sick. I will find another place to sit.

Really, its NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.

So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave.

But the man insists, Really, its NOT you.

So the leper asks, Well if its not me that is making you so sick,

that what is it?

Its that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back.

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. They both go up to the barstool and sit down. The owner orders two beers.

The bartendar just frowns and says, Look buddy, we cant have any dogs sitting up at the bar.

The owner retorts, But this is no ordinary dog. The bartendar doesnt budge from his stance and tells the guy to leave.

The owner protests, Look, this is no ordinary dog. This is a talking dog.

The bartendar says, Yeah right buddy. Okay, why dont you and your talking dog leave the bar?

The owner says, Okay, Ill tell you what. Ill go into the bathroom and take a leak. You can talk to my dog while I go. If you still want us to leave when I get back, we will.

So the owner leaves. And the dog and the bartendar start talking it up like they are long lost friends. The bartendar starts to really like this dog. There talking about sports and beer and women.

So the bartendar comes up with an idea. He turns to the dog and says, Look, I have a friend who owns the bar across the street. If I give you $20 will you go into the bar and order a beer from him? The dog says, No problem, and gets up and leaves.

The owner comes back and ask where his dog is. The bartenday explains about the joke. So the owner leaves to get his dog.

Right out of the bar, the owner sees his dog humping another lady dog. And the owner says, Hey, get off of her. Why have I never seen you doing this before? To which the dog replies, Because I have never had $20 before.