Old and New Jokes

A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.

One of his buddies said, That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I cant believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects.



Well, he said,… We were married for 25 years.

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.

Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army, the general said. Nothing to it-youll catch on again fast.



Next morning promptly at eight oclock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-generals bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employers wife on her bottom and said, OK, sweetheart, its back to the village for you.

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, Keith, were in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?

Keith replied, No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?

Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!

Better save that. Well need it for the autopsy.



Someone call the janitor – were going to need a mop.



Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then whats that?



Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie.



Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?



Rats, there go the lights again…



Ya know, theres big money in kidneys. Heck, the guys got two of em.



Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!



Could you stop that thing from beating? Its throwing my concentration off!



Whats this doing here?



Thats cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!



I wish I hadnt forgotten my glasses.



Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.



Sterile, shcmeril. The floors clean, right?



Anyone see where I left that scalpel?



OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.



Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?



Dont worry. I think it is sharp enough.



Shes gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!



Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!



FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out

The bus driver said, DAMN! Thats the ugliest baby Ive EVER seen!
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. The bus driver insulted me! she fumed. The man sympathized and said, Hey! Hes a public servant and he shouldnt say things to insult the passengers. Youre right! she said. I think Ill go back up there and give him a piece of my mind. Thats a good idea, the man said. Here, let me hold your monkey.

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “Im going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along. They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and Ill come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldnt bag an elephant — much less a deer. But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire. Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay!You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

It is believed that the stock markets go up and down with the rise and fall of the hemlines in ladies skirts and dresses. Proof of this phenomenon is in the following historical facts:

Glamour stocks and mini skirts soared in 1993.

Conglomerates and hemlines went down in the spring of 1994.

Hot pants led the Dow Jones up in 1971. The advice to the investor then, is,

Dont sell until you see the heights of their thighs!

What do you have if there are 100 rabbits standing in a row and 99 take a step back?

A receding hare line.

Four nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for, whom they all felt was an arrogant jerk. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.

The first nurse said, I stuffed cotton in his stethoscope so he couldnt hear.

The second nurse said, I let the mercury out of his thermometers and painted them all to read 106 degrees.

The third nurse said, Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all of the condoms that he keeps in his desk drawer.

The fourth nurse fainted.

The President is meeting with Saddam Hussein regarding the recent crisis. They are meeting in Husseins Baghdad capital, and halfway through the meeting Hussein hits a button on his armrest. A fake arm flies out and hits Clinton in the face.
A little while later he hits another button and Clinton ducks, only to be kicked in the butt. A while later, this happens again. Clinton is angry, calls a break, and they decide to meet again later, in Washington.
When Hussein comes to DC, they sit in Clintons office. A few minutes into the discussions, Clinton hits a button, Hussein ducks, but nothing happens. A few minutes later, Clinton hits another button, Hussein ducks again, but still nothing happens. This happens a third time, and Hussein, by this point, is angry and paranoid.
He gets up and shouts Enough of this! Im going back to Baghdad!
Clinton looks up and displays a funny-looking smirk to the Iraqi leader. Then quite calmly replies, What Baghdad?